The Promise

I had a really good run this morning.  The past two Friday mornings I have missed my 5:00 AM run.  Not today.

This was a validation of sorts for me.  I stepped out into a sultry spring morning.  The scent of pine and fragrant floras played on a gentle breeze that felt like a lover’s kiss.

Dawn was just breaking and the sky was littered with clouds of various sizes with a blue canvas in the background.  I love running on Friday mornings.  These are my spirit runs.  They are mine.  I’m not trying to break any records, nor am I concerned about my pace.  They are quite simply a celebration of movement and a commitment to growth and freedom.

I closed my eyes briefly as I headed down Royal Ave. to McBride and could see so clearly my beautiful spirit horse that always runs with me. Moving at a saucy canter with a mane that dances like waves through the air.

I know I am blessed.

As I turned up onto McBride Ave. I thought of this gift we call life.  How different it can be for each us.  What is it that we weave from the fabric that is offered to us?

There are those in this world who are born into hate and spend their lives looking to destroy all that they see as being wrong with this world, all that they find offensive.  This is something that has been ingrained into them, however, as they didn’t start off that way.  All children upon birth are unblemished.

What I understand now is that this world has everything and more than we can ever imagine to reach the goals we want for fulfillment and that they are different for each of us.  The human condition is such that it allows us to weave a story of our own choosing regardless if we are aware of this fact or not.  And we have choices.  We make them every day.  Sometimes without much thought.

There are those who choose to strap a bomb to their body and walk out into a busy market place and blow not just themselves up but take some additional lives with them.  I don’t understand this mindset.  In fact, I find it very sad.  Because I know, having been told now that I have a cancer in me, that I will do whatever it takes to continue to live.

I won’t take one day for granted.  And I have known this for a while now.  So feeling the air rush through and over me this morning felt very much like a promise.  As I listened to my heart beat and felt the blood move through my body and the pores opened and cleansed me once again.

This morning I had that intangible moment of feeling that everything will be okay and knew it to be true.  Indeed, I have been handed some rather daunting and disturbing things in my life but have always managed to learn from them and grow as a result.  And so too with this.

In a week I will meet with the doctor and find out the course of action that we will be taking to remove this from my physical body.  In the meantime the energy body is soaking up as much love that it can handle and so very  much as been directed toward me.  When someone offers up their prayers and wishes, wow, do I feel the power!

And I am understanding so many things.  I at one time equated prayer with religion.  Now I see it simply as a powerful tool to direct positive energy.  Prayer was born out of love and there in lies it strength.

I shall carry on as I have…this I promise.

 

Lessons

There is a calm in me now.  I will move through this experience as I have all the others in my life.  I will no doubt learn a thing or two during this challenge and will grow stronger and hopefully gain a measure of wisdom in the process.

During the drive in this morning a steel grey sky stood before me.  There were certain points, however, along the horizon where white clouds hung at their base making for a dramatic contrast and adding a certain dimension visually.  Very beautiful.

I listened on the radio as they discussed Angelina Jolie having a double mastectomy because her percentile of contracting breast cancer by reason of her genetic make-up was in the 85% range.  Interesting.  Yes, we all fear this thing called Cancer.  I think the aspect to this that renders such fear is that there is feeling of being helpless and unable to combat it.  I have been able to find a measure of the quiet mind I have been seeking.

I have had some interesting dreams as of late as well.  Some I am still not too certain how to interpret.  Last night the dreams were most definitely about control and/or the lack thereof.

I laid in bed this morning pondering this.  Some things I can’t control.  In fact there are many things I can’t control.  I can control how I respond to all of this though.

I could lose control completely and become a stressed out maniac, gnashing my teeth and wailing about the whole thing.

I smiled at the image produced by this option.  I would likely end up looking like that Persian Cat we’ve all seen on the internet…you know the one having the ‘bad hair day’.  Well, I would look like that, minus the hair.  That’s just nasty!

I could be the quiet worrier.  Sit all day rocking in my chair and moaning at an undefinable and incoherent level.  I smiled at this too.  I talk WAY TOO MUCH to ever be a quiet worrier.  Nope. If this girl is gonna worry, you’ll know about it.

In the end as I watched the shears on my window dance softly from the air passing through the open window, I decided I would just be.  Each day that I am afforded is a blessing.  This illness will pass and I will live a long, full life.

Whose to say why these things occur.  They just do.  I am going to carry on as per usual.  I am back in the gym and running again.  Once I have had surgery I will have to take it easy while the physical body heals…but my energy body is kicking it up a notch now to compensate.  I am going to sink into my heart centre and let the gentle tendrils of love spread its warmth throughout.

This year has been one of many challenges in many shapes and forms.  This is yet another.  What currently afflicts me will soon be gone.  And I will always look to see the beauty in something just as I did with the clouds this morning because it’s always there.  It is simply a matter of finding it.

Have a great day everyone.

The Naked Truth

Yesterday was a tearful one.  I really let myself own the fear that had closed around me.  I find this is the easiest way to deal with it.  Once its mine I can manage it.

If I deny it and try holding it out then it seemingly grows, becoming larger and more ominous. So I had my ‘why me’ moment yesterday.  And who knows, I may have a few more of them before I am through all of the this.

I sat in meditation trying to find the quiet mind.  As you might expect the mind was having none of that.  Quiet?  Nope.  More like insidiously loud with all these queries wanting an immediate answer.

And you know the funny thing too, is that as I have disclosed my condition to friends and family, I have observered their emotional response and I find myself consoling them.  Don’t be afraid for me.  I can do that very well for myself, thanks.  Just tell me you love me and send that postive energy my way.  That’s all that I need right now to get me through this.

Still I think everyone responds differently to this type of news and I know it is never easy when someone close to you is going through something like this.  For me it is strange to be the subject in question.  Not something I am accustomed to.  I don’t plan on getting too familiar with it either.

I will get through this.  I will be planning ahead for the two places I am currenlty employed.  I can make up alot of predated payroll, rent and tax info.  Once I know the length of recovery I can put all of this into play and see if a temp will be required at that time.   I formatted the book in its entirety yesterday and am doing the final read through.  My daughter is finishing up the cover.

I will then be sending this out for one last beta read and then we will laumch this baby.

So I will be busy over the next little while.  I will be back in the gym tomorrow and will resume running at least twice a week.  I know I will have to take a break from physical exercise for a brief amount of time after the surgery.

Indeed, I got online yesterday trying to better understand what’s going on with me.  And I don’t know why I do this to myself.  I know myself well enough to know that taking generalized information and turning it into a personal application is something of a specialty with me.  Considering my over active imagination and the fact that I am something of a neurotic at times.  And I say this with the broadest of smiles on my face.

Yet, I put myself through the wringer regardless of these well known facts about self.

It is Mother’s Day today.  And to all the mom’s out there I wish you a happy one.

My daughter will be by later to pamper me.  It’s part of the contract, you see.

Nah.  I got lucky with her.  Man!  From the day she was born she has been a blessing in my life.  No greater gift has been afforded me than this child of mine.  I muddled through parenting like a blind man walking down the middle of a busy highway.  Somehow everything turned out quite fabulous.

Now I can stand next to this extraordinary young woman and call her friend as well.

It is raining outside.  The April showers might well have brough May flowers…but May has for today at least decided on a monsoon.

Peace out everyone.  Thanks for stopping by.

When Life Throws You Lemons….

The old adage is that you make lemonade.  Personally I think lemons get a bit of a bad rap just because they’re sour.  I love the smell of fresh lemon.  And I love an ice-cold glass of lemonade.  Now that I have planted this in my head, I just may run down to the store and pick up a whole mess of lemons.

I think I got thrown a whole lot more than just lemons on Thursday.

I am trying to research this thing known as Uterine Cancer.  What I have been able to deduce is that during the menopausal process I was likely exposed to having too much of the female hormone estrogen running through my system.

I smiled at this analogy.  I was too much woman for my own good, was I?  :)

There are quite a few support groups out there.  My daughter offered one up and I checked it out but in all honesty the information is a bit overwhelming at the moment.  So I decided to just pull back a bit.  I am trying to determine if I have any symptoms and in a sense I don’t even want to look this up for fear my erstwhile imagination and neurotic sensibilities will kick in.

I agree with the first statement I read.  Cancer is the most feared word and disease on the planet.  So it would seem I have yet another fear to work through and defeat along with an illness.

It has only been two days since diagnosis but I am trying to get a handle on this emotionally.  I know and fully expect that I will have my moments of tearful breakdowns as I am currently.  That is to be expected.  Knowing that I am housing something that could potentially take the life I have fought so hard for seems like a cruel joke really.

I guess what I am trying to wrap my head around is to not take it personally.  I don’t know if this makes any sense, but I trying to just view this as a minor inconvenience.  I suppose I am doing this so the enormity of this doesn’t overwhelm.

What I can tell you is I want to live a long life, see my hair turn white, watch my skin get those age spots that really are a right of passage, yes?  They are beautiful…though our society as of late has declared otherwise.

Right now I am visualizing myself with white hair, hands with delicate age spots move through the air as I dance freely to Al Stewart’s ‘Year of the Cat.’

And I know that these things don’t pick and choose but at the moment I am having a ‘Why me?” moment.  And I suppose this is to be expected as well.  And this will pass.

I can tell you the run of emotions on this has been over the top.  I am trying to find a place of calm I can go to.  Get centered, you know?

Let’s just say this.  Cancer picked the wrong girl to mess with.  I don’t lay down and die.  I never have, I never will.

This is where I am today on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Best go make that lemonade with the lemons that got thrown at me….just not too sure what to do with rest of shit that came with it, but I am sure I will think of something.

 

 

A New Race to Consider…

I’ve been on this little high as of late since finishing the 1/2 Marathon on Sunday.  I was recovering well.  The aches and pains were dissipating as they should…perhaps even quicker than expected.

I got a call the other day from my doctor who is dealing with the reproductive issues that cropped up during my training.  Results were in from the biopsy.  And so I got to work early today.  Motored through trying to get all this work done in half the time.  I managed as I typically do.

The results were not what I expected.  And I wasn’t sure how to respond.  The good doctor, in a direct and abrupt way informed me that I’ve got Uterine Cancer.  The words didn’t quite filter in at first.  I just sat there looking at him.  He pulled out some diagrams of the reproductive system and explained  that another sample would be required today, however, it would not be as uncomfortable as previous exams.

And I sat there looking at him feeling that I had been pulled back into one of those bad dreams I used to have when I was younger.  The kind that frightened and haunted me.

Now, I could say this is not supposed to happen.  I could say ‘Why me?’

Guess what?  There is no pick and choose with these things…they just happen and we don’t know why.  I know this.

Still, it took about a good half hour to hit.  That slow sucker punch.  You don’t know you’ve been K.O.’d until you fall.

Then the tears came, in a rush.  Fear danced enticingly around me.  The mind begins to race.  Several scenarios are running through my head.  Oddly enough I am wondering if I will still be sexually responsive after all this.

Then as the doctor is sitting there discussing treatment I am wondering why the hell I am thinking about being sexually responsive.  From this I jumped into a brief visual of all that I would likely be undergoing in the next little while.  And the funny thing is…I am still just a few minutes into this so I really have no knowledge of what awaits me.

Anxiety now kicks in big time.  Talk of lymph nodes coming out along with a full on hysterectomy, hopefully the variety that doesn’t involve leaving a big incision on the stomach, followed up by radiation treatments….

Realization hits home.  This isn’t good.  I am numb. I don’t know what to feel.

I leave trying desperately to keep it together.  But the tears are starting.  I need a drink and make my way down to the Heritage Grill to digest what has just been imparted to me.  None of this seems real.

I called my daughter as I said I would.  Best to get it out.  There is no easy way to say this.

“Bad news, baby.  I’ve got cancer.”  Sounded very strange to say this.

Fuck.  That’s how I feel.

I’ll have my cry, feel sorry for myself for 10 minutes then get on with it.  But you know…I’m scared.

Once again I am feeling my mortality is being offered up.  I know one day I will day I will die.  Just not for another 40 or so odd years, you know?

I am sipping my beer letting this latest turn of events regarding my health sink in.

What to say?  What to think?  What to do?

There are no guarantees in this life.   The emotions that have been ripping through me in the last couple of hours have had the intensity of a freight train.  I know at the end of all of this I will have the resolve to just get on with it…but at the moment…

I’m just scared.

It’s the Thought that Counts?

While at work today I received an electronic flyer from an office supply company that we deal with from time to time.  The banner spanning the online ad announced that Mother’s Day was just around the corner and was offering ‘suggestions’.  Curious and mildly amused as to what an office supply company could offer ‘Mom’ I scrolled down.

The smile was immediate and then I laughed.  What does every Mom need?  According to this company we need daily planners and Post-It notes.  You heard correctly.  I forwarded the ad to my daughter.  She got quite the chuckle out of it as well and I insisted on the neon coloured ones.  I have my standards you know.

I wondered how a mother would respond should they happen to receive such a ‘gift’.

And then I got to thinking about the whole gift thing.  Apparently the most common gift given to good ole Mom are flowers.  Still, at times I think about the holidays we have created and their commercial importance these days.  And do you feel more loved when you receive a gift of evident value?

I know that I am making light of the offerings by the office supply store as they are simply trying to get in on the marketing bonanza that has become Mother’s Day.

Why is it that we feel the need to purchase gifts that seemingly become more extravagant as the years go by?  I heard a commercial on the radio on the drive in and it went something like this.

“We will make it easier than ever for you to purchase the car your Mom has always dreamed of.  Give her what she has always wanted…(financing available, easy credit approval)”

So do I want Post-It Notes or a car?  Hmmmm…..

The greatest gift for me is having my daughter’s love and respect.  Being able to enjoy her company and call her ‘friend’.  This has been the reward for me personally.

So what are some of my most secretly desired ‘wants’ from the material world?

We did an exercise at a workshop I attended last year.  The idea was to write down in detail for five minutes how we would look and what we would be doing and where we would be doing it if we were completely happy and content.  We were encouraged to even state our fashion style.

Now I am no fashionista, believe me, but in order to be in complete bliss I would be described as ‘Chic Bohemian’.  I will let you conjure what ever image these words inspire as it is often more fun that way.

I would be financial independent and able to make a sustainable living from writing full-time…(note I did not say rich….I am not about excess)

I would live is a condo (as I do now) close to the water (ocean preferably), though currently I live by the Fraser River which I am enjoying.

I would be healthy and active….(I am getting there)

I would be filled with love….(I am definitely there)

I would want to be part of the solutions in this world…(working on it)….there are many issues in this world that need to be addressed and how we find preventative measures.

I would want to be having a lot of sex…(working on this)…(insert sultry laugh and wicked smile).

I would want to travel a couple of times a year and get to know more people on this blue marble of ours…(working on this  too)

Now this list to date really has nothing of a material nature to it.  And it likely won’t as I don’t dream about owning a sports car or having a house on every continent.  I have never been one for jewelry and while diamonds might be best friends for some women, I definitely have more of an infinity toward the common rock…(little stones grace my window sill)

Oh I like cosmetics…to a point.  I love lotions and perfumes.  I love going for a massage or slipping into a sauna for a steam.  And I love getting a mani-pedi done.  These are things that I do to take care of myself though.  I don’t do them all the time as it can get expensive and I am not ‘financially independent’ at this point.

When I do go shopping I love to find a bargain.

Let me wander through the Art Gallery on a Saturday afternoon then curl up on a patio with pen, paper and a beer and I am one happy girl.

I enjoy live theatre and concerts immensely.  The creative process is a huge stimulant to me.

So I guess if you were going to buy me something….tickets to shows would be good, perfume, gift cards….

And you know that is typically what I tell people when they do ask what I want.

UPDATE:  My legs have recovered quite nicely from the 1/2 marathon on Sunday.  I ran on Tuesday evening, though I went with the walk / runs as the injured leg was still a little tight.  Here we are on Thursday morning and my legs are both feeling quite normal.  So I will go for a 5km run tomorrow morning then get back to my regular exercise routine next week.

Oh, and I read my time incorrectly on the results page for the 1/2 marathon.  I came in at 2:56:48!  Yay!

And to all the mom’s out there.  HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

 

Recovery

Well two days have past since the 1/2 marathon and my legs, particularly the one with the injury, are still quite stiff.  This is to be expected.  Still, you gotta keep moving.  If I don’t do anything then the muscles will seize up.  I was going to hit the gym this morning and just do some light cardio but I will be meeting with my run group tonight so I figured I would give the gym another day or two.  I want to get up on the stationery bike and just pedal nice and slow with no resistance, keep the muscles loose, you know?

The Massage Warming Oil by Sportique that I purchased is fabulous.  I got out of the shower this morning and applied it to both legs and instantly felt better.  It is basically just my calf muscles that are still feeling quite tight.

I may just do the walk/run pace group tonight as we are doing drills.  I will see how I feel.  Once I get moving the muscles loosen up…I just don’t want to overdo it.

In any case, I am easing the body back into normalcy.  Now the focus will be on administering to a few other health issues and launching the book.

The only other race I want to do this year is the Coho which takes place in September and is a 14 KM run.  I realized as well after two weeks of not going out on my Friday morning run how much I have missed it.  So getting back to a regular work out schedule will do me good.

No more neurosis over what to eat or not to eat, no more strange psychological conundrums coming out of left field to contend with…at least not for awhile.  I won’t have to second guess every little thing I am doing….or not doing…and I can have a beer dammit and not feel guilty as original sin.

Ah, yes!  I am in recovery.

Now time to focus on upcoming events.  Thanks for following me on my ‘In Training’ series.  Certainly had many unexpected benefits.  I will know shortly which direction I will be taking my rambling in on this forum.  For now I am just relishing completion.  One more step toward where ever it is I am going.  I guess too, that’s the beauty of this.  I start off with a particular destination in mind then find myself venturing down paths unknown.

It has been liberating to say the least.  I will continue to run…continue to love….continue to live.

Thanks to all of you.

Peace.

 

The Finishing Touch

This has been quite an introspective weekend for me.  On Friday evening I went down to pick up my run package.  Deciding to take a look at all the offerings at the fitness fare I came upon the offer of free physio / massage treatments.  This helped me tremendously.  She worked out the knot that was at the base of my calf muscle.

Perusing the other offerings, for which there were many, I came upon all natural massage oils.  Turns out they also have drinks and consumables that have no chemical content as well.  I purchased the Massage Warming Oil by Sportique and I must say, I have very quickly become a fan.

Friday was an interesting evening.  I had a conversation with a co-worker who would be participating in the run today as well and we were discussing diet options.  She suggested that I get some red meat into me.  She had found this beneficial.  So I headed down to The Terminal as I know they have a decent Steak Sandwich.

The hockey game was on.  Unfortunately we lost and it was a heart breaker.

Loud voices screaming obscenities filtered through and I found myself thinking about the ‘mob mentality’.  I recognize it’s ignorance.  Energy is such that it feeds on what is in the vicinity.  The choice is ours to accept or reject what surrounds us.

If trashing cars and looting stores seems like a ‘fun’ thing to do or a way to blow off steam then perhaps you need to take a deeper look at why you feel this way.  Blame it on a hockey game?  Blame it on the crowd?  Own what you did and hopefully learn from it.

Some of you may not be aware that back in 2010 Vancouver went to game seven against Boston for the Stanley Cup.  We lost and a riot ensued.  It was a very sad turn of events considering that crowds of up to 100,000 had been gathering to watch the games in the downtown core with no issues…until we came to the final game.

I had several things filtering through my head that night.  A bit of anxiety existed regarding my legs.  Would they be ready?  I’ve been having these odd little hang-ups; this weird little mix of good and bad.  I don’t know.  At times it’s tough coming to terms with who I want to become vs. who I am.

Sounds strange, I know, but old habits & trains of thought that have not only been ingrained into my thinking but beaten in as well are at times difficult to persuade.

And so I walk a fine line these days.  Daring myself at times and trying to shake loose of these strongholds that in some odd way still cling to my being.  At times something of a paradox.

I am trying to beat these demons back.  Meet them and deal with them.  God, I wish it was easier.  Why do I find it so difficult to commit wholly to a healthy lifestyle?  A big part of me is pushing toward this.  I know the benefit and have witnessed and felt the result.  Yet I have these moments where I rebel?

But against what?

What am I trying to balance?  What do I think I am wanting to hang onto?  Change is never easy.  I guess we hang onto what we know, even if it is bad for us, simply because it is familiar.  Expanding outside the comfort zone, even if it is hot as Hades requires…..

And there is the stumbling block.  This is where  I get tangled up.  I just need to press on.

Saturday found me anxious. I followed my diet regiment as prescribed.  Took it easy.  Tended at length to my legs and feet.  I was in bed far too early for a Saturday night.  Man!  Haven’t been to bed on a Saturday at 9:00 PM  in I can’t remember how long.

I rose at 4:15AM.  Cleaned up, dressed and had my toast and peanut butter.  I was out of the house by 5:00 AM.

Race day had finally come.  I watched the sun come up in a cloudless sky.  Absolutely beautiful out.  And so it began.  At times it seemed the kilometers were getting just a little longer as I progressed.  At times I wanted to quit and reminded myself why I was doing this again.  A few times I stopped and stretched out the muscles as they felt a little too tight and at 18 KM I stopped at the First Aid station and had them apply a muscle rub.  It helped immeasurably.  The final kilometer felt the longest.  I could see the Finish Line.  I was exhausted and exhilarated and something of a puddle.

It’s done.  I finished.  My time 3:07.  My pace 8:23.  I’ll take it.  And you know what?  I will do it again next year.  I will tend to my health issues and be prepared because no sooner had I finished than I was considering where I could have improved.

I did it.  At times I came close to crying.  I thought of how far I have come.  A sense of humble appreciation and a quiet pride washed over me.  I met the challenge.

Nothing was easy in this.  I pondered at one point if it does get easier.  Who’s to say?

I continually dug a little deeper and just got into the movement, moved past the pain and let it slip away.  Emotionally this was just incredibly rewarding.   I ran this as a 10 and 1 as decided due to some of the health issues that have cropped up and the fact that there was a bit of an interruption in the level of training.  I had to roll it back a bit.  Yet as each kilometer rolled by I saw more clearly the woman who has never given up.

At times I could have settled into mediocrity. At times I could have just accepted that my life would never improve.  I could very easily remained a victim of my circumstances.

I didn’t do that.  I laid down the challenge then tackled it and will continue to do so.

I was met by my daughter, her boyfriend and a girlfriend of mine and we went for brunch.  On the drive home she commented about a guy on a scooter. She stated she sees many in these devices who are apparently able to get up and walk around.  We pondered their state of being.

At one point my health issues came up she smiled at me stating that had I not made the changes that I have I might well be dead.

It is a potent statement and one I understand completely.  She’s known me for a very long time.  She has watched me evolve from my punishing treatment of self and watched as I pulled myself out of a crippling darkness.

I don’t know that I would necessarily be dead but I think I would likely have some very serious health issues had I not changed my ways.

At 55 I have proven the resilience of the human physical form  and the amazing way the spirit rejuvenates us.  I have embraced the heart centre with such tenacity.  It is this that assists in my expansion as a human being and that lets me commit to being a kinder, gentler person.

And so it is done.

Quote of the Day

Reblogged from Lateral Love Australia:

"It is said that if there were no darkness in the world, it would not be possible to see the light; if this is the case, starlight is all the more rich for its illumination of the night sky." - Scott Fowler

This is really beautiful!

OMG DERBY DAY PONIES!!!!1!1!1111!!!!!1!!!

Reblogged from Cute Overload:

• 
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Ah say, ah say, Suh and M'am, in honah of too-day's Hunerd N' Thirta Ninth Runnin' of tha Roses heyeah in Luh-ville, ah'd like to show off these heyeah Pacific Pintos Vid-e-yo Presentayshuns. Y'all enjoy while ah set a spell on the ver-an-duh with this heyeah mint joo-lep. Mmmm, that hits tha spot dahlin', but a little moyah sugah....if you…

Read more… 19 more words, 4 more videos

This just spoke to me so strongly. The beauty in youth, the freshness and joy in movement reminds me of how we are all connected.