The Restless Heart

I keep telling myself to slow down, enjoy and appreciate the journey.  But I gotta tell you this last month I have felt like I want to run in ten different directions at the same time.  My energy fluctuations have been crazy.  My sleep pattern, which is usually very consistent, has been somewhat elusive.  I feel this shift is about / or is happening and on what level I am not too sure.  I know that we are all being influenced by the alignment of the planets in our solar system and the energy they parlay as well as the additional activity of the Sun.  We also had a partial eclipse of the Moon and a few days after that the Transit of Venus occurred.  There are some fascinating events that are taking place astrologically this year and we are all feeling the effects, of this I have no doubt.

Perhaps I am just riding this wave that has currently hit me and preparing or trying to ready myself for the path that is opening up.  I know too, I have had old habits resurface over the last few months and I have been dealing with that as well.

It always amazes me that even though we know something isn’t good for us, we will do it anyway.  I have a propensity for what I call self-sabotage.  What that means is I will make huge strides in gaining let’s say personal healing, then an old behaviour will emerge and I will revert back to my old way of thinking and perhaps self-medicate a bit too much, or indulge in foods that are not healthy a bit too much.  You get the idea.  These behaviour patterns are designed to make us feel bad about ourselves.  To better illustrate what I am talking about is lets say I have lost 50 lbs.  I just need to lose another 20lbs to get to my goal weight.  I have a night where I drink too much and junk out on pizza.  The next day I tear myself apart for this.  I beat up on self and so starts the cycle of self-recrimination because now I will start to get back into the thing of eating poorly to support this belief that I am just hopeless and that I will never learn, and never be good enough. There also tends to be the focus on losing the additional 20lbs. rather than congratulating self on the accomplishments to date.  We all know what happens, more weight is gained and the cycle begins again.

What I try to do now if I have a night like that,  is just accept that I had a night like that. It’s okay to do this once in a while.  It doesn’t make me a bad person.  It doesn’t make me weak.  I find though these days with all the behaviours that are surfacing and I am dealing with them systematically or at least trying to, yet I am still left feeling almost empty at times.

I was at my monthly group meditation last night and really just tried to focus on quieting the mind, finding some resolve.  There was some fabulous energy in the room last night as well as a lot of restless energy just like mine.   There was a heaviness at times. I walked away knowing that I am not alone in feeling this.  I think that is what I have really come to love about this group meditation.  I am treating it almost like a monthly tune-up to see where I am at energetically.  I do meditations at home as well, but I am rather new to this so being able to share in this has been absolutely stellar.

And so this restless heart will carry on and not listen to the echos from the past.  I am cutting out a new path now and while I am excited about this, there is that doubt that tries to seep into consciousness.  I just have to keep releasing it when it does slip in.

It’s Friday.  the Sun is shining, though I am told rain will make an appearance.  That’s okay.  Rain nourishes and sustains us.  Perhaps I should find me a good ol’ puddle to play in.

Enjoy your day everyone.  Blessings.


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