Life in the Fishbowl


 

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I rise just before 6:00 AM. I’ve been sleeping just a tad longer these days.  Leaving the welcome warmth of my bed can be difficult at times.  This has been a cold winter and I always turn the heat down in the evenings before going to bed as I cannot sleep well when it’s too stuffy.  Having the air be a bit on the cool side is okay when I’m tucked beneath my down-filled comforter.

Pillows tucked around me,  just so, with just my wee head popped out the top.  When the alarm sounds to rouse me from my slumber feeling the cool of the morning air inspires me to press the snooze button a few times.

And sleep has been odd these days.  Constant waking throughout the night.

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My dreams have been fervent and harried.  I wake feeling as though I am coming a great distance to join the waking world.  Even as my eyes begin to open, I am often still very much in the dream state.

Caught between two dimensions, if not more.

I shake the sleep from me by way of a morning shower.  In and out, slap moisturizer on, apply a bit of make-up, brush my teeth, drink a glass of water.  Dry my hair, dress and put my lunch together then dash out the door.

When did it become necessary for me to arrive at work so early?  Usually by 7:30 AM I’m sipping my coffee, going through emails and organizing my work day.

I put this on myself.  And yet, I love the early morning.  When the weather is great I witness sunrises that are breathtaking.  If not, I enjoy the sound of the rain.  The torrential down pours, I must admit, are a bit much sometimes.

As I cross the Queensborough Bridge I listen to the news of the day.  These days a man named Trump seems to dominate the air waves.

And I pause to wonder why it is as humans we can’t seem to find that balance in terms of getting along.

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Why is it so difficult?  Is it just our nature to behave the way we do?

Trump is trying to save Americans from what, I cannot say.  He’s sees a threat I suppose and feels it necessary to build walls and keep people out.

I feel deeply saddened by this.  Living in fear is a bad place to be.  I’ve been there. This is what I see when Trump is insistent on building a wall along the U.S. / Mexico border and when he bans people from seven countries housing those who follow the muslim faith from entering the country.

I see fear.

Trump thinks he’s being tough, and sadly tough is not what any of us needs.

In fact, we need compassion, love, understanding and acceptance.

When a country the size of the U.S. elects a President to isolate them to the degree he has already implemented in just under two weeks, we really need to look at ourselves collectively and how it is we all got here.

And sadly the United States is deeply divided as well.

A travel ban has been put in place and a 5 year old boy was detained for several hours and taken in hand cuffs at the Dallas Airport.

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Why?

Here in Canada, a disillusioned young man went into a mosque and shot down six people of Muslim faith as they prayed.

Why?

I believe, must believe that we all basically good at heart.  There is a a percentage of human population that is not good, misguided and evil. This is displayed in so many ways.  And oddly enough history has a way of repeating itself.

Still we have in the last 25 years gone through an extraordinary changes.  When industrialization took hold back in the mid-1800 and early 1900’s the response was not good.  Two world wars and then seemingly this world embraced the industrial age with fevered acceptance.

We humans, by our very nature, like routine. And yet in the last 60 years this world has changed so dramatically.

The industrial age quickly gave way to the computer age.  In my lifetime, and I am only pushing 59 years of age, I’ve witnessed the introduction of colour TV to having a device that I can hold in my hands that will connect me world wide.  Technology has moved into our lives at a rabid pace.

We haven’t exactly embraced it.

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Socially we turn to our computers, our smart phones and connect in a totally different manner.

We date…online.

We rant…online.

We do everything…online.

Show our intimate bits, and say things typically we would not.

Yet there is this world out there and the space that surrounds us.  A triangle formed by the new Moon, Mars and Venus held me in absolute rapture as it did so many others.

Snow that had piled up over several weeks leaving local lakes frozen over drew crowds that pulled on their ice skates to enjoy skating under a full moon.

And there is a magic to it.  There really is.  When we feel connected to the world we inhabit, it is a grand thing.

When we work collectively as the human race…oh…it is such a beautiful thing.  And it is usually in reaction to a massive evil that brings us together.   These days we find ourselves once again caught up in what appears  a terrible thing.

Let me leave you with this.

There is a small boutique hotel in downtown Vancouver that has been around for a very along time.  I won’t go into the why of it  now, however, across the parapet there is signage that reads:

UNLIMITED GROWTH INCREASES THE DIVIDE

On the Community College that sit across from it a sign went up recently that reads:

LET’S HEAL THE DIVIDE

We have more similarities than we do differences. Let’s focus on our commonalities and see where that takes us.  Let’s heal the divide.

To those who’ve lost loved ones due to violence inspired by fear and ignorance, I feel your hurt, pain and confusion.

Find forgiveness as this will save you.  Continue to love as this will elevate you.

If I could I’d wrap this world in love, I would.

So why don’t we give it a go.

Namaste.

 

 

 

 

Silver Linings


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I am a person who will experience an epiphany and suddenly the whole world and my existence in it makes perfect sense.  Yet as quickly as the insight arrived it sinks faster than the Titanic back into the abyss of my subconscious.  And for me it is a shadow that I will try to pursue, try to recover and analyze.

Usually I have no idea what I’m doing or what I’m trying to discover.  And I just realized that is one of the absolute joys in living this life.

Being open and present.

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I would like to say that I’m open to new ideologies. new thoughts, however, I really don’t think there is anything really new about much of the information that draws me in.   The thing that changes is perspective.  Of how we see something, of how we regard our place in this world and participate in it.

For example, back in the day…way, way back human sacrifice to the Gods was acceptable and considered necessary.  The idea of having angry Gods was a frightening factor no doubt.

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And I often have these questions that creep into my mind’s eye regarding our existence.  How is it that we came to chart the stars?  How is it that we came to understand that they would never change and guide us on midnight journeys across foreign lands and oceans?

Back in 1632 Galileo would be tried and found guilty of heresy regarding his findings that the Earth was in fact circular and orbited around the Sun.

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And mathematics has had a long history in this world and just as I ponder how the written word came into being I too wonder how it is that the science of math began its journey as well.  I would think some of the first measurements would have been made by our own appendages of fingers, feet and hands.   Of course cycles such as daily, monthly, seasonal and birthing became recognized.

But how is it that someone decided they wanted to measure the speed of light from one star system to our own?

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Unfortunately a lot of information has been destroyed and lost to us over the millenniums.  And there is apparently information that the powers that be feel we should not be privy to.

I look for the silver linings in pretty much everything.  There is always a lesson to be learned or a fascinating piece of knowledge tucked away.

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If I rise each day with the idea that I’m open to learning, open to discovering more of what constitutes life and its infinite layers then this is a good thing.  And while I know that life has the bookends of birth and death…it is the fabric in between that we weave that fascinates and humbles me.

Namaste.

 

 

 

Talking to Myself


 

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This year has blown by like an unforgiving force of mythological proportions.  In many ways the perfect storm.

I look in the mirror and indeed the reflection that stares back at me shows the appearance of someone having weathered some rather extreme cold fronts.

But look a little closer.  The eyes are still on fire, the head has a million ideas running through it and this heart still wants to love, needs to love…

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I was at my last session with the kinesiolgist earlier this evening.  Jae pushed me hard.

And yet, in my head, I still can’t accept that this is all I can do.

I’m remembering such a short time ago when the exercises I did this evening wouldn’t have even broken a sweat.  I’ve got some work to do.

And I told Jae that I may never get back to the level I was at before…but at least I’m alive and I can move.  Sure, it still hurts but hell, I’ve got to keep trying.

And on the same note I can’t accept what’s happening to me.

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I will be competing in a speaking contest of all things.  Telling a Tall Tale.  Never saw myself doing this.  And yet, I’ve challenged myself to speak as well as I write.  To become a storyteller in every sense of the word.  To have fun, to share some expressions, to leave people I’ve shared my ideas with reason to pause and reflect.

My home is still under construction as am I.  Works in progress both of us.  Life being coy and whimsical.  At times I feel so inadequate and foolish.

I’ve worked so hard to move from such notions.  Perhaps its best to just embrace those moments when I don’t feel I fit into my life very well at all.  Reality can at times be a bitch when the dream seems so close to fruition.

Pulled back, teasingly.  ‘Work harder.’

Decisions are made.  Desperate, wanting…

Decisions are reached.  Calmly, with forethought…

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And I slip into bed with a sore arm, a back tied in knots and legs cramping.  Stories are rushing through me and chase me into slumber.

And I’m working, working, working…

Trying to organize my time, trying to organize my life, trying to just live, just be.

At the gym Jae instructed me to do crunches but to have ‘fun’ with them.

“Make a gun with your hands.” he instructed showing me and placing his hands over his head.

“Now come up, pause and shoot between your legs.”

This is weird I decided.

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“Think of someone you’d like to shoot, that you don’t like.” he encouraged. ” like…your husband?”

“No…”I didn’t mention I wasn’t married.  Mute point.

“I don’t like guns, Jae. And there really is no one I want to shoot…hypothetically.”

I spoiled the fun, I guess.

Still I’m in this odd space these days and like everything…I’ll learn and grow.

Peace.

 

 

The Moment in Time


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A few nights ago I attended a short story open mic event. I noted that many of us seemed to collectively be in a mood to reflect and ponder on this world and the space that surrounds us.

A few of my fellow writers’ shared those moments when they realized that the world was far bigger than they could ever imagine and that the space they were gazing out at could well be infinite.

This induced a rather deep and ponderous thought process for me.

I began to study a little deeper the time factor after writing the piece inspired by the phrase ‘Time Died.’

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I have been reviewing calendars and when they came into being.  I’ve been researching civilizations and when they too began to develop in earnest, and then of course there is my fascination with the written word and its evolution.

And all that I have read over the last few days has sparked the detective in me to try and find out some of life’s little mysteries.

I’m going to begin by following the importance of the Mayan calendar for the moment simply because there are some rather interesting facts that seem to correspond with this particular calendar and the manner by which it tells time and records history.

Five ages, each one 5,125 years approximately in length, have now passed in accordance with the timeline the calendar offers us. The most recent age to have completed its cycle occurred in December 2012.  We have now entered the sixth age.

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I will try to create a brief timeline based upon the Mayan cycle of an Age.

Mayan culture wasn’t around when these ‘Ages’ began.  How is it that the Mayans came upon this knowledge and how is it that they ascertained it meaning that resulted in an exquisitely detailed calendar?

So many questions are slipping through me at this moment.

When did humanity have its ‘Aha!’ moment?

When did we collectively decide to record certain events? When did we begin to see the patterns the stars had mapped out for us?

And then begin to move around this planet based upon their guidance.

What I’ve found is that when I referenced the calendar certain very critical events in our evolution occurred in approximation with the calendar and its timeline.

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The hunt was one of the first events to be recorded as many caves worldwide will tell us.

Several old caves containing Stone Age parietal art can be found in central India, South Africa, Australia, Namibia, Argentina and South-East Asia, among other locations around the world.

What occurred to inspire this activity?

When did we collectively begin to draw images of animals and tell stories through song?

Did humankind lay staring at the stars and have that moment of beautiful awareness of what they were and what they could become?

Or did something happen?

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Home Sapiens have been around for at least 200,000 some odd years. It appears our species didn’t rush into the idea of civilization.

Like much of the life on this planet they likely lived simply and instinctually.

Much has been said about the Neanderthal and how they in fact died out.

Sure, there were obvious similarities between Neanderthal and Homo Sapiens of the day. There is no doubt that they met and co-mingled.

What would that experience have been like?

Your tribe is roaming this globe in search of food and water. In search of shelter and you come upon another being that looks somewhat like you…but different.

Were they afraid? Angry? Territorial?

And at some point around 35,000 some odd years ago humans began to record things.

Hand prints also began to litter the walls of caves worldwide.

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Why?

(I was here)

That is the message that reaches out across the span of time. They had found an awareness of who they were and they didn’t want to be forgotten? In the images recorded what is it that they were trying to tell us?

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Fabulous drawings began to adorn the walls of caves worldwide.

How is it that this phenomenon struck the inhabitants of this globe collectively?

What event precipitated this sense of keeping records? What instilled the desire and necessity to make it so?

A hand print on a wall is most definitely a record.

The Cave Chauvet in France is one the most pristine caves filled with art in such magnificent detail.

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And I have to wonder how it came to be so popular worldwide at that time considering they did not have mass communications…or did they?

Perhaps they did, only it was in a very different format than what we might imagine.

Every culture, every cave dweller would come to know the stars and their importance and they would come to know how to read them in order to note where they were on this planet.

How did they come by this knowledge?

That is why I am convinced that at some point collectively all humans from all the corners of this earth witnessed something quite remarkable.

Did they witness the arrival of the Gods?   Visitations perhaps?

Early humans would not have known just how expansive space really was and I can see how they imagined the Gods sitting upon those lofty clouds gazing down at the lot of them.

The similarity in stories world wide regarding the advent of God is remarkabley close. What changes is the interpretation of what was witnessed.  This too speaks to human nature.

At one point a few cultures had twelve such Gods running amok.  These beings had a variety of skills and powers.

Civilization had been born at this point. A hierarchy had been created to feed it that still exists to this day.

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Somewhere along the way the idea of God was whittled down to just one entity.

Strangely or perhaps not, various cultures chose different definitions of this singular God to represent them, protect or define them.

It was in the fourth age that civilization seems to emerged and began form and develop.

And it was during the formation of this civilization thing that time was truly established and cycles were set down.

And how did we come to have the calendar that we currently have? This too has been changed over the course of time.

I had to smile as I read about the above as it seems we’ve really muddled through on recording time and its cycles.  From the Roman calendar, which was rather complicated as it only had ten months and the winter season was not included so there were 61 days unaccounted for. Curious.  The Julian calendar remedied this by adhering to the lunar cycles.  Still there were errors that were corrected when the Gregorian calendar was introduced back in 1532 or thereabouts.

Theories abound! And not all countries adopted the new calendar.

Geometrics then come into play. Between the 3rd and 4th Ages in accordance with the Mayan calendar a whole lot of building began to take place.

We are talking big building! Massive big, man!

Pyramids, temples, Stonehenge…

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Again…not just in one location but all over this globe and likely there were many that did not stand the test of time or may well have been destroyed.

Behind the erection of these monuments there seems to have been a underlying call of divinity? Is this when men began to equate themselves as Gods?

The misinterpretation of power.

And we today have the conceit and ignorance to say they did not have the technology to do what they did regardless of the fact that these monuments stand before us as testament that indeed it was done.

Power is and always has been an intoxicating elixir.

Those at the helm of these projects must have indeed felt like gods.

Was this our imminent downfall?

Did we hunger for the knowledge that was bestowed upon us? Did we, in our human condition, decide at some point that we knew better?

Was there some level of anger shown toward the children of the stars sent to instruct us? In our infancy did we demand to much?

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And at the moment my imagination is skipping back to the innocence of when awareness truly occurred.

I see a meeting between early humans and star travelers. I see an intense and beautiful curiosity from both.

Did our space travelers ignore their own ‘prime directive’ (i.e. Star Trek) and feed us information that may wall have been forbidden to give?

Were we an experiment on a grand scale?

Where did the knowledge of the early sciences come from?

Mathematics, charting the stars, masonry, architecture?

All of these are exact in their implementation. They must be else wise they fail.

Travel, velocity and art are but conundrums in the grand scheme of things.

This planet hurdles through space on a daily basis. Not two days are ever the same.

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And were we, as humans, seeds that were planted amongst the stars?

And I must wonder if we were forgotten in this expanse we know as space.

There are times when as I slip into sleep or begin my ascent from it that the whisper of a long ago time speaks to me.

I was there.

Peace to all of you.

 

Below are some of the websites I found of interest in putting this piece together.  Thanks.

http://www.historyworld.net/wrldhis/PlainTextHistories.asp?historyid=ab25

http://www.walkinthelight.ca/History%20of%20the%20Calendar.htm

http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2013/04/the-origin-of-the-7-day-week-and-the-names-of-the-days-of-the-week/

http://www.evoanth.net/2015/03/12/retracing-the-evolution-of-language/

…When Time Died


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I watched the film version of the Broadway musical ‘Rent’ a couple of nights ago.  I enjoyed it immensely and found myself in tears at times.  Much of what this production is about is still so very relevant.

There was a line in one of the songs that said….”when time died.”

I pulled those words out and held them up for further evaluation.  The whole concept of time and how we measure it.

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It is a human thing?  Or it is something is embedded in the D.N.A. of all living organisms?

We all adhere to cycles.  We must, after all our very life is a cycle measured by an infinite number of events and factors but the two constants are birth and death.

When humans first began their journey in this world it was their tenacity, duplicity and rather conniving nature that assisted in the push up to the top of the food chain.  That we are so good and creative when it comes to killing speaks volumes about our species.  Equally our capacity to love and build a community is just as stellar a point in our evolution and its success.

Regarding the equation of time, however, our reign on this planet is but a nanosecond, a blip or a dot amongst trillions upon trillions.

Hell, we are not even a smudge.

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Every part of my being is convinced that ‘intelligent’ life exists in the space that extends forever around us.

What is forever?  And what is time?

Forever, by definition, has no beginning and no end.  Time is a measurement of cycles, nothing more.  Or is it?

Did forever and time have a beginning?  Did they consummate their union to begin what we know as this universe?  Perhaps combined they make up the energy and concept known as God.

Is this a logical contemplation?

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The Mayan’s developed a calendar that reflects a period of time, an era as it were that covers approximately 5,025 years.  How did they come by this knowledge and what was the purpose of trying to preserve it?

We all recall a couple of years ago the doomsayers who insisted that the end of world would come when the calendar ended and that time for us would then die.

Time will never die.  We will.

Time will never change.  We will.

Time is a constant just as forever is.

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In many ways they are interchangeable. We are all little specs of energy that collectively make up our consciousness.  There have been moments when time crawled or at least it seemed as such.

These days it feels as if time is speeding up and we are all running at a break neck pace to keep up with it.

The deceptive perception of time overall lies in our imaginations.  Or does it?

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The questions that this phrase ‘…when time died’ evoked are likely experienced by all of us at some point in our life.

We have all asked ourselves the universal question.

‘Why am I here and what is my purpose?’

What if the answer was simply ‘to be.’

Now I’ll go and ruminated on this for a while.

Have an awesome Sunday.  Namaste.

 

The First Time Ever….


 

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The traffic was horrible on this evening.  I left the office at 4:00 PM.  I would have to navigate over two bridges on this evening’s commute.  I listened to the first traffic report that indicated a few issues on some of the bridges.

As I passed through the Cassiar Connector. which is a tunnel just past the Iron Workers Memorial bridge (a.k.a. 2nd Narrows), the traffic was backing up and beginning to resemble a parking lot.  I opted to take the 1st Avenue exit and travel along Boundary Road to Marine Way and access the Queensborough Bridge via this route.

I was making a special trip this evening as I was on my way to pick up the books I’d ordered.

This would be the first time I saw my work in print.

I cruised along extremely well and motored to Big Bend shopping centre where the traffic kinda slowed to crawl and sorta stopped altogether at times.

I cranked the radio and checked the gas gauge.  I had a 1/4 tank and should be just fine.  I switched the engine onto economy the sat back and sang out of tune to the songs on the radio.

Time wise I really wasn’t worried as U.P.S. closes at 8:00 PM and it was just 4:40 PM.

The minutes ticked by as the gas gauge slipped closer to empty.  The wild imagination that inhabits this head of mine began to nibble anxiously as the possibility of running of gas surfaced.

I reassured myself and my vehicle that we would be fine.

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An hour and half on the road and I was now approaching the bridge deck to the Queensborough.

Several traffic reports confirmed that accidents or breakdowns had somehow occurred on every bridge this day seemingly.

Michael Jackson crooned, “I wanna rock with you, all night…”

“You’ll get there” I whispered and ran my hand along the steering column like I would a familiar lover.

I squirted past the accident scene, saying a prayer and hoping no one was hurt.  I needed gas and I had to pee!

I seldom venture into this part of the world.  Surely there was a gas station somewhere around here?  Hadn’t I noticed one at some point?

I was down to an 1/8 of a tank when I saw the U.P.S. building and pulled in.

There was a fellow in front of me wanting to courier a watch face embedded with diamonds.  He wanted to insure it for more than $500 which was the limit U.P.S. apparently sets.  A kindly woman was on the phone making an inquiry on his behalf.

Twisting my legs a little tighter, I really didn’t mind waiting, I just need to pee!

The woman gave the fellow the phone so that the individual with the expertise could better explain to him why there was a cap on courier insurance.

After a moment she smiled and asked “Are you picking up a parcel?”

I grinned back “Yes.”

I handed her the tickets then asked if there was a washroom I could use.

She showed me where I could find relief.  Ahhhhhh!

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Upon my return the fellow had left and the woman retrieved my package.

My heart suddenly skipped a beat and crazy excitement began to build.

Completing the transaction my final question was where I might locate a gas station.

She gave me directions and it really wasn’t far.  Now I had the car gassed up and a box full books…my books.

I got back on track and head home to New Westminster.

A warm pleasure ran through me then.  I had been on the road for just over two hours and that was cool.  I was now basking in a strange warm glow as I maneuvered back through rush hour traffic.

The euphoria was building as I crawled back over the bridge.  I pulled out my nail clippers and opened the box then fished about and pulled out a book.  Reaching out I ran my hands along the cover and felt the tears sting my eyes.

I needed to record this moment and I needed food.  There was no way I could cook as every part of my being had surrendered to the sweet emotions that had engulfed me when I saw my first ever book in print.

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I order some food and a beer then opened the book reverently.

I gazed down at the dedication page and burst into laughter.  My first grammatical error glared at me.

To my daughter I wrote, “Not a day goes by that I do not appreciate the woman you ‘has’ become!’

I shook my head and smiled.  That’s just me trying so hard to get it right.

My daughter did the cover and I love it.  It works.

I knew I would come across a few spelling and grammar issues but I did try my damnedest to get it right.

And then I was just so overwhelmed by all of it.  I did it!  I really did!

This is a first.  This is a moment that will never come again.

Mistakes and all I’ve put it out there and bared my soul in the process.

While writing this book I found a strength and truth in my vulnerability that surprised me.

In doing this I am experiencing a  rush so sweet and pure….this is the first time.

Let me savour this for just a moment or two.

Peace.

 

The Birth of a Dream


 

 

http://www.amazon.com/This-Mind-Memoir-Nancy-Pilling/dp/0993846025/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1424326821&sr=8-1&keywords=With+this+in+Mind

(Above is the link to Amazon.com)

Here I am on the edge about to plunge into the world of publishing.

I’ve crossed over from dreaming about it, to making it real.  The book has now been published.

(See above)

And there is this part of me that still doesn’t quite believe it…pinch me!

There was for a moment that insecure part of me that insisted ‘It’s not good enough.’  These are the demons that have bound me in ‘If only…’ for the majority of my life.

I am past ‘If only…’

I am past ‘I wish I could…’

I am at ‘I can and I will.’

I’ve been thinking about some of the past conversations I’ve had with members of my writing groups.  We’ve discussed success and what it means to each of us.

I can tell you this.  Any one who writes a book and wants to publish it really does want to see their work do well.

We want to reach out to the masses and emote, entertain, touch and inspire.

We want our voice heard, understood in whatever genre we’ve chosen to express our creative self.  We look for acknowledgement.  In all the words we writers’ pen, they hold a part of our soul.

I’ve read obscure books that were brilliant.  I’ve read books so poorly written that were best sellers.

And the difference comes down to marketing.

A  few years back a fellow who attended a couple meetings of our writing group had published a book on Amazon.  Excitedly I asked several questions and then he told us that he’d taken it down after a week as there had been no sales.  I pressed for more information wanting to know what his marketing strategy had been.

There in lay the problem…he didn’t have one.

You can write the best book ever but you still have to market it and let the masses know its there.

Books do not and never will sell themselves.

Nothing will for that matter.

Vince appears on our TV screen and slices and dices his way into our homes convincing us that our lives will be so much better with this little gadget he’s selling.  How we’ve managed to get by without this item in our lives is really quite extraordinary.

I’ve watched infomercials and purchased items believing that I will benefit.

When the Dermawand was being marketed I had just entered into my 50’s.  With the promise of aging skin being tightened I had to at least give it a try, didn’t I?

And I did.

We’ve been inundated with products that will make our lives that much better.

Kitchen, beauty, diet and fitness items top the list.

Take this pill  and lose all the weight you want.  Workout just 15 minutes a day on this machine and you’ll have that six pack you’ve always wanted…guaranteed.

Hmmm  Really?

And now I’m thinking how to market this book…honestly.

Will it change your life?

I don’t know but it changed mine.

I hope that my book will bring some insight into the issue of abuse.  I hope that it will offer comfort on some level to those who’ve experienced this.  I hope they’ll know they have choices and they are not alone.

I want to work toward a day where we move past judgments, move past negative energy and move past living as victims.

And while I’ve mentioned those demons that still haunt, still taunt, I do know that they will never take away what I’ve found.  They are simply echoes from another time.

I hope you’ll read my book and that you’ll take something from the words I’ve written and the memories I’ve shared.

I can’t ask for anything more than that.

Peace.

 

Another One Comes to and End – A Look Back at 2014


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2014 has been a good year, a challenging year and one with many subtle and not so subtle transitions.

A year ago I was emerging from the cloud of chemo and recovering from the brutality of radiation.  My hair was like peach fuzz on me wee noggin’ and I think I stayed in for New Years last year.   My memory is still a bit spotty surrounding that time.

I can tell you what I did for New Year’s Eve two years ago in detail.  It’s just the later part of 2013 and the first few months of 2014 that have left some areas in the shade.

I was feeling rather defeated at the beginning of the year though.  This I do recall.  My feet were still a little numb and I was just a tad stuck in a job that gave me no joy.  I questioned my own intelligence at times and felt useless and insignificant.

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The shift came when I had the absolute joy of going on a cruise with a group of fabulous women that I went to school with.  It has been an absolute pleasure and delight getting to know these gals again.

Life can pull us in many directions.  Sometimes it pulls us apart.  Sometimes we find ourselves isolated and alone and wonder how it is we came to be in such a state.

I do know that at the end of every path taken that there was a starting point or perhaps it was a breaking point?

Choices are made.  Sometimes we desperately want to believe the dysfunction as it worms its way in.  It will dilute and fracture the ideas we first had though.  And they always begin with such sincerity and honest passion, don’t they?

Believing in a lie then recognizing this is a tough pill to swallow.

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When that nagging little whisper becomes a scream, best you listen to it else you’ll become deaf and indifferent to the common sense and reason that is desperately trying to intervene and prevail.

And no one likes to admit they’ve been had or taken.

God knows I shrank back from this world for a time, suspicious, hurt and wallowed in a pity pool.

I’ve met many people who’ve stayed in that state.

As I watched the ‘Grinch Who Stole Christmas’ for the millionth time, it actually made me tear up a wee bit this year.  The simplicity and beauty in the ending of the tale of how the Grinch’s heart grew ’10 times that day’.  That four letter word again…LOVE.

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Yup!  It’s a balm that will heal any and everything.

I could well have lounged once more in the pity pool considering some of the health issues that I’ve been faced with but you know, I am so over that.

There was a time when misery parties were my thing. Oh yes!  You think your life sucks?  Pull up a chair.  Let me tell you a tale of my time in hell….oooh and ahhh!

And then there was that moment of reflection when I saw the ugliness in my behavior and what it was doing to me.  That naked truth when I had to make a decision.  Either change or bury my head even further into the bed of lies I’d accepted as truth.

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Peeling off that mantle of delusion has taken some time.  Each lesson learned along the way I’ve appreciated more than you will know.  And yes, sometimes those lessons come packaged in sweet disguise.

And this year began coming out of a very dark place.  I had refused to consider Cancer’s taunt.  Yet still, for a time, the mantle of warrior was too much.  Fear crept in and the tendrils of depression stroked my ego as would a gentle lover.

Having experienced this a time or two I was able to cut it off at the pass with guns a blazing.

Oh come on!  We all love a good western, don’t we?

And now this year is coming to a close.  I’m feeling even stronger having reached a few new pinnacles.

And I’m on the cusp now.  The dreams and efforts  that I’ve been working on are about to come to fruition.

The book will be out soon.   I’ve got an idea of where I want to take this company that I’ve been forming just a few technicalities remain.

And it’s not about me.

This has and will always be about the written word and celebrating the freedom and expression that it provides.

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And as this brain of mine continues to formulate thoughts and ideas, I accept now that it never shuts down.  Sometimes I don’t like the thoughts and ideas that come to me.  But what I’ve learned is that I need to acknowledge those filaments of thought.  Sometimes they take hold and more often than not they sink back in amongst the vortex of neurons and protons that are firing away.  Those filaments will dance with ambitious delight in offering up an idea that I just may want to entertain and process further, even if it is dark in nature.

And with every night there comes a dawn and vice versa.  it is the way of the world.   Those erstwhile opposites that actually compliment each other and always have.

I was standing beside the river the other night spellbound by the beauty before me.  That moment when night kisses day good-bye.  I had that sensation wash through me of being so connected to this world that I inhabit.

I am coming to love these moments.  I feel small and yet so vital.  The mountains that stood before me have taken hundreds if not thousands of years to form.  They will remain long after my time on this earthly plain is done.

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For the moment, however, they are stuck with me.

For all of you that have followed my ramblings, I thank you and may the New Year bring your heart’s desire.

Many blessings.

 

Peace!

Good-bye 2014 and thank you!

Happy New Year to all!

 

 

 

The First Month


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 The sky over English Bay – Sept 5, 2014

Today marks one month on the new job and it has gone by in a blink.  Nothing unusual about this though.  Time seems to move far more swiftly when we are enjoying ourselves, does it not?

I will have a very full pallet over the next few months.  Of this I have no doubt.  The job is beginning to take shape and I like the vision that is emerging.  There is going to be a great deal to organize and co-ordinate and I am embracing the challenge like never before.  I became incredibly excited today as we met with a rep from the software company that is designing and building a new program platform for the office set to launch on November 1, 2014.

There was an absolute thrill that ran through me.  This is the opportunity I’ve long waited for.  To learn, evolve, grow and expand with a company at the root level of an expansion.  I love it!  Today seemed to pass quicker than most and my neurons are fired up on all cylinders.

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Flying off into the sunset!

 

I will be meeting up with my photography group shortly to take in and capture what will be a fabulous sunset.  Summer is fading fast.  I’ve not spent near the amount of time outside that I would have preferred.

I stopped at Moxie’s on Davie Street for a nibble.  I’ve not been here in quite some time.  I sat watching the masses as they moved up and down this busy corridor.  Some are tourists, some are locals that live in the area, while others are getting off work and either meeting up with friends or heading home.

Then there are those who’ve taken a wrong turn in life and kept on going.   I feel a sadness when I see someone who has made this choice.

A man stood on the street a moment ago screaming at what and at whom I cannot say.  I could feel his frustration and anger from some 100 feet or more away.  For many they get into the drugs or alcohol or both to numb whatever pain is chasing them.   Oh sure, I would imagine there are those who fall into it innocently enough and become their addiction’s slave, but many who take this route are looking to dull or nullify something.

The problem is that you can become so numb to everything in this organic world of ours that you no longer find any of it desirable.  Somehow being in a drug induced and/or artificial haze is comparable to living.  And when you system is screaming at you to stop and you don’t….well, then you just keep falling.

Rock bottom can certainly vary.

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I will say this though, falling hurts.  Falling has a weight attached to it that becomes increasingly heavier the further you fall.  It’s not easy to crawl back up to the surface but it can be done.  Many, however, don’t make it.

So like the fellow I saw a short time ago whose hair was unkempt and the clothes on his back had likely not been laundered in a good long while, many of these lost souls scream and blame the world around them and the people that are in it for the circumstance and station in life.

Many walked past him seemingly oblivious to the man’s outrage, while other gave him a very wide berth.  None stopped to ask if he required help.  I would not have stopped either.

It is a delicate thing when someone is releasing hostile emotions in a public setting.  There is something decidedly primal about it.  Showing concern or empathy toward this individual could well be misconstrued.  Also if you are not certain of a person’s state it might well be best to call in authorities who can assist him.   And sometimes we just have to let someone scream and rant should they choose to do so.

I headed down to the beach and met up with the group.  For a good hour or so I crawled along the beach taking photographs.

And what a stunningly beautiful sunset it was!  This is a place that speaks to my heart on such an intimate level.  I’ve screamed tormented and frustrated here.  I’ve cried tears of shame, tears of loneliness and tears of heartache.  I’ve been spellbound by the beauty of this place more times that I could ever count and I have I felt a life force so strong and how it has run through me…

I thought about getting my toes wet but signs were up.

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“Do Not Swim”

We’ve had a few red tides this year.  Algae was blooming crimson a few months back.  Normally walking along the surf wouldn’t bother me even with the red tide in effect.  However, I am still toxic from the whole cancer thing so best err on the side of caution.

And as the sun kissed the day good-bye a beautiful moon was slipping into the sky.  And I just felt so fabulous, so blessed.

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The sunset at Sunset Beach, Vancouver, BC  – Sept 5, 2014

 

The last few mornings on the drive in to work the trees have had a mist hanging tight to them below a clear blue sky.  I was sitting at a red stop light thinking how dreamy and enchanting this world I was waking to looked.  Out came the phone and I tried to capture what I was seeing, what I was feeling.  The guy honking his horn behind made me realize I ought not to be doing this.  It was now a green light.  But I smiled a little foolishly and cranked up the tunes and sang the rest of the way to work.

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And I am pumped!

The thought process has been invigorated, challenged and invited to jump in there and get things done.

John, one of the owners, got back from a two week vacation this week. I brought him up to date on my observations and progress to date.

He smiled quite pleased.  “I wanted someone who would roll up their sleeves and get the job done and you are doing just that.  Thank you.”

That was an affirmation that he had hired the right person in my mind.  He was well aware that things were in a state of disarray.  No accountant for three months and those inputting the info with no knowledge of accounting principles?

I’ll say this. Shannon did a bang up job despite no knowledge of accounting.  She has the intelligence there, she just has to work on her confidence.

One thing I have learned is that I don’t hold on to places that had no real investment in me in the first place.  Yes, you may meet a few people with whom you develop friendships that extend past the workplace, but if an establishment doesn’t value me then it won’t work.  That has become a factor that is very important to me in the last few years.

I’ve written about the architectural firm I was at; of how I got shot down on every level.  Just hearing the word ‘thank you’ is so appreciated.

Far too many businesses just expect.  You are just a number there to perform…nothing more.  And I guess this is what pisses me off.  We are people.  We have feelings. We love, we hurt, we fear, we laugh, we cry…

And we spend the majority of our daily lives at the workplace.

I, for one, want to enjoy how I expend my grey matter.  I will say this, I’ve always honoured the job and I always will.

And as I wrap this evening… the one month anniversary of my start date at the new place, I’m feeling light and breezy.

I’ve been having insane dreams for the last few weeks.  I wrote about one a few days ago.  But man, I’ve been wondering if it has to do with all the intense feelings I’ve lent myself to over the last three months.

Hey, it’s been a ride.  I was given five weeks notice from my previous place of employment on the one year anniversary of having had my surgery for cancer.

Their timing was fucking impeccable.

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Checking out the moon

 

The range of emotions I reined in quickly.  Within three weeks I had secured the job I’m at now.  Still, the adjustment can be taxing. But I’m a trooper.  Always have been, always will be.

This is likely why dreamland has been off the charts as of late.  I won’t analyze the thing.  I’ll just move on and continue to grow.

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Last night, for me, this was the mooney shot!

 

Pleasant dreams and many blessings to all of you.

Never be afraid to challenge yourself and never feel incapable.

If there is something that you want to know, it is there and you will know it.  Someone else’s interpretation may well not fit your definition so don’t ever give up.

 

Find your authentic truth and let it grow.

Peace!

 

 

 

 

Welcome to Dreamland


 

I was taken back to a well known dreamscape last evening.  I’ve not visited this place in a very long time.  Upon waking I found myself trying to recall the original dream and the significance of this place.

I don’t know about you, but quite often the places I visit in the dream realm look nothing like the actual location.

For example, dreams that I’ve had about the home I grew up in has at times looked like a well guarded concrete fortress. At other times it had glass exterior walls and at other times upon entry it had no interior walls.  Space is often very much distorted in my dreamscapes as well.  There have been times when the bedroom I had as a girl became a cavernous thing with more twists and turns than you can possibly imagine.

I will share last evenings dream with you first so here is the setup.

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I decide to go for a walk.  I will be joining my daughter over in North Vancouver later in the day for a late lunch.

At the last moment I decide to go to a place I’ve not been in a good long while.  It is supposedly this hidden gem in the Kitsilano area of Vancouver though in my dream it looks nothing like the actual area.  I have provided a link at the end for images of the actual area because what I am about to describe to you shares no resemblance to it at all.

Welcome to my dream.  Let me show you around.

I haven’t gotten my toes wet in a while.  Here it is this glorious day and I decide to go to the little gem of a beach I found so many years before.  It is a perfect day outside. The sky is a deep and cloudless blue.  I park the car and begin to walk through a winding maze of shops.  This place has the look of a small fishing village and the feel of an artists’ community.  Quaint ramshackle structures line the streets and people are buzzing about.  Fishing nets are being mended, outdoor cafes are full, flower shops emit lovely fragrances into the air.  Artists have their wares on display while they diligently work among the masses.

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The smell of coffee and cinnamon teases the senses as well.  The place has a lazy feel to it.  Like you could just get lost here forever.  Ahead of me a bluff rises abruptly up out over the ocean.  The road will come to and end.  There is a park house at the mouth of it. Washroom facilities and the like are contained within the structure.  It is a city park that lays before me but it’s what’s on the other side of the bluff that is my mission this day.  I check the time.  I likely won’t be able to go all the way around.  Still I should be able to get down to the first tier. 

If you walk to the top of the bluff which isn’t that far you will find yourself some 200 feet up over the ocean.  The main beach is far below to my right and on a day like this it is packed with sun worshipers.   Now you can access the main beach from several different roads further down the way.  I am going to the beach that is a little more difficult to access.  To my left the rock face juts up sharply.  Not many people go beyond this.  Many years ago we chanced to see where this little nook that’s practically invisible went.  The first time I walked through this passage way I was terrified.  Would I suddenly find myself suspended several hundred feet above with no safety net?  Still, I’d been curious.  Sometimes you have to take that chance. 

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There is this narrow opening with a small passage that will take you through the bluff.  There are three tiers.  Today I’ll just go down to the first one.  I won’t have time to do them all but I promise myself to come back here soon and do them all.  It’s been far too long.  I walk carefully through this passage.  The lighting is dim and you must be careful as there is always some form of debris.  Also you must ensure no animals have taken refuge.  I have made it a point to sing when first I start.  Then I’ll stop and listen.  If nothing scurries about then I will continue.  For the first fifty feet or so I will move ahead relatively straight with a slight bend to the right.  Then it turns to the left there is a crook and then it straightens out again but now you are moving down hill.  This carries on for another twenty-five feet or so.  It is fairly dark in this part too.  Oh that first time, I remember my heart pounding so fast that I was certain it would break through the confines of my chest.  Then there is another sharp turn to the left.  And now you are moving in the direction that you just came from.  So it is a zigzag kind of thing.  Another twenty feet or so and then it levels off.   In truth while it is hard, going back as it is uphill it is much easier to navigate.  I am almost at the first tier opening.  I can hear the rush of water and smell the sea spray.  Slipping through the opening my breath catches as it always does.  I have exited onto a lush grassy knoll.  This grass feels like cashmere to the touch.  It is long and moves fluidly with the breeze.  Some fifty feet below me is the beach.  It is this magical cove.  Trees grow out of the rock face at impossible angles.  The sand on this beach is so fine and the view is spectacular!  Forest lines the outline and gives way to the ocean which goes on forever.  You can, from this vantage point, see the curvature of the earth on the water.  I close my eyes for a moment and just drink in the sweet air that surrounds me. 

I check the time.  I won’t have time to go down and play in the water. I must head back to go and meet my daughter.  I will have to bring her back here.  We’ve not come here in such a long while.  I see something swimming in the water then just before I head back into the passage way.  At first it almost resembles an alligator.  It is just a really big dog.  Sometimes the things you see here, well, they can morph into many things. 

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I come up through the passage quick enough.  A brief glance around then I head back to the car.  A moment later the dog runs past me and I laugh.  He stops for a moment and sniffs at a pile of clothing that is set beside bench.  The cloth moves and I see a baby lying there.  Surprised I walk over.  Beneath the bench are two more children.  The baby boy is likely about eight months old, the other boy is about a year and half and then there is a little girl maybe two and half years old.  They are dirty. 

“Hi there,” I say to the little girl. “Where are your parents?”

“They’re coming.” she responds defensively. 

I get them out and onto the bench then enquire again as to their whereabouts. 

From I’ve been able to ascertain is that the children were left here overnight as some form of disciplinary punishment.  This alarms me.  I call my daughter and tell her the situation so she agrees to come over and meet me.  I will call the authorities next.  I call the authorities and tell them the situation then wait. 

My daughter shows up and I go get some food for the kids.  Day is beginning to fade and I am becoming really upset that no one has come to take these children.  The little girl now goes missing.  We are trying to find her and then the baby boyes disappear too. 

I see them all be bundled into a vehicle and run after them.  It is the parents I discover and I am so angry with them.  They swear and curse at me then drive away and I write down their license plate.  The authorities finally show and I am really distraught at this point.  I give them the information and the assure me they will check it out. 

I will discover later that they feel there was simply a misunderstanding and the children are fine.  I am devastated by this as is my daughter. 

That portion of the dream ends and I find myself taken into a Mary Tyler Moore rerun where she’s having a sleep over with Rhoda and they are having issues as to where they should sleep.  From there the dream takes me to a home I’ve just purchased that is on top of a bluff…though I realize now it is a different bluff.  And the view, my God, it’s stunning!

And my last thought in sleep before I awaken is that I’ll have to take a photo of this view and post it on Facebook as it is quite extraordinary.

Upon waking I really tried to figure this one out.  I thought of the emotions that were stirred and I really ran the gamut.  What was prevalent in my thoughts, however, was the importance of this place in my subconscious.  I can close my eyes and tell you in detail the beauty and surprises of travelling to the other two tiers brought me.  It is that clear in my mind’s eye and yet this place doesn’t exist.

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How did I know I was in Kitsilano?  When I called my daughter and the authorities I told them I was at the gem in Kits by the park house.  And yet when I had moved into my new home on the bluff, it was not in Kits.  Yet I’ve been to this place many times in the realm of sleep as well.  Both have similarities but are vastly different in terms of a view.  They are exquisite.

Please feel free to share some of your more memorable dreams as well.   If you are not familiar with Vancouver, then click on the link below to get a feel for what Kits really looks like.  I’m sure you will agree it is very different than the landscape I described.

Enjoy your day.

https://www.google.ca/search?q=kitsilano&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=GWEDVKH7HIW5igLc4oHIDg&ved=0CEoQsAQ&biw=1920&bih=985