Letting Go…Just a Thought


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Vancouver from the top of Grouse Mountain

I have spent a lifetime learning from my mistakes and continue to do so.  Technically I should be a genius at this point as I’ve puzzled my way through the same dilemmas time after time after….

How is it that I continue to make the same the mistakes, yet I try to reason through them in variations that are if nothing else, inventive?

What is it then that brings me back to issues that cloud my judgement?

What is it that causes the fine mass between my ears to suddenly go on autopilot and slip into ‘auto-destruct’ mode.  It is these recriminations that I invite back into my life seemingly unaware.

(This message will self-destruct in 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1).

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I find the solution with seconds to spare only to wonder how I found myself in that particular situation….again!

Trying to isolate the brain patterns responsible and re-wire the cognitive functions around how I act and re-act to the infinite possibilities this life offers is an ongoing mission.

For the moment, I’m going to try and just let go.  Identify a negative pattern then release it from my being.

Funny, I don’t even know if that is possible.  But hey, why not give it a whirl?

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In A Nutshell….


 

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May the 9th as evolved as rather significant date in my life reaping various challenges upon me.

I’d been successful in selling my condo and was now on the hunt for new digs.

The last few years have been tough in many ways physically, emotionally and its been hard financially as well.

Seven years ago on May 9, 2010 I ran the Sun Run which is a 10 km race in Vancouver. Crossing the finish line had a profound effect on me.  I had also just purchased my first home!

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My focus became my health and well being.  I decided it was time to tackle all the issues that had plagued me for a lifetime.  I got back into running in a big way and decided it was time to dive into my passions and bring them to the forefront.  I pursued writing and photography with a rabid hunger.

For the first time in my life I was really letting myself search my potential and even more so I was building upon it.

A book was in the works, I had joined writing groups, I’d taken a photography class and had found some shutterbugs to roam the streets with.  And I was working on some emotionally deep issues as well.

Emotionally I was sideways for a time.  Dealing with repressed issues was a strange balance between how I was and how I am now and putting them together to become the person I wanted to be.

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People came into my life offering direction and guidance.  And I was actually asking for help, in a round about way.

The introvert was becoming an extrovert.  Still I was pretty rough around the edges.  The emotional aspects were hard to express as I was living through it and not certain about any of it.

As the emotional storm began to settle health issues began to arise.  The first was the heart issue.  I had a stent put in and carried on. I was encouraged to keep running, to keep hitting the gym which I did.  After being on blood thinners for a year and getting the all clear on my health  I decided to treat myself to the BMO 1/2 Marathon.

Halfway through training I began to falter, however, I ran the 1/2 Marathon on May 5, 2013.

Four days later on May 9, 2013 I discovered I had uterine cancer.  So came surgery and treatment.  I worked through all of it, however, my performance at work was impacted as chemo can do a number on you.  Six months after treatment was complete I was terminated and given 5 weeks notice after 5 1/2 years on the job.

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A personality conflict with one of the partners was sited.  The partner in question was a rude, cold individual who commented continually on my shortcomings during cancer treatment. In layman’s terms .  An asshole.

I found another job within 3 weeks.  Better pay and full benefits!

Some things, however, are not as they seem.  While I initially thought this was the job I’d been looking for, it became anything but that.

Working with an antiquated computer system, and this was new industry for me, I walked into the worst mess I’ve seen.  There had been no accountant in the position for 4 months prior.  This had not been disclosed.

The promise of a new computer system that would be implemented within three months of my start date never happened and has still not occurred.

I’m either a fool or a trooper, perhaps a bit of both, but I dove into it, despite the fact that chemo still had me a little foggy.  Perhaps that’s why I jumped in the way I did.

I worked hard.  Really hard.  Too hard.  Rebuilding a company that was in serious relapse with its clients and vendors, restoring the relations necessary to do business in a manner that is balanced and productive.  I worked along side two women who were exceptional and assisted in my efforts in every way.

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In the New Year I headed to Vegas to visit a friend.  A vehicle accident occurred.  My car was totaled.

I thought I’d be fine.  I wasn’t.  As the months passed my neck and back were like a vise.

If my ability to remain focused had been a little challenged before now it was painfully so.  Still I toughed it out.  Didn’t take any time off as felt I could not.  With dogged determination I muscled through.  Working with a DOS based program requires you to think about applications differently as well.

Yet I did.

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I was so close to having the whole thing brought up to date, so close to having all the checks and balances back in place, so close to completing what had at first seemed impossible when I was unceremoniously released from my employment contract.

This I didn’t see coming.

The other major issue for 2015 was the re-piping of my condo building.  Twelve of the forty-seven units lost their hot water for three months.  Mine was one of the units.  The cost escalated to a ridiculous rate.  I cleaned out my RSP and savings to pay for it.

2015 was a year where I felt that I was running up hill the entire year but not really moving.

In 2014 I’d started my own publishing company in early 2015 I’d released my book, however, with the chaos occurring in my life from the accident and the building repairs I thought it might be best to focus on marketing it later.

I’m nothing if not resourceful.  Unable to run or hit the gym…and spending far too much time at physio I thought it may be prudent to build on my public speaking skills.

In effect I had none.  So I joined my local Toastmasters to work on that aspect of self.  2015 was a tough year.  Depression reared its ugly head and as the year closed out I found myself unemployed and feeling desperate.

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I had worked so hard and now it felt like everything was starting to slip away.  I had made some poor decisions.  Shopping sprees that were ongoing for a time.  Purchases of $300 in perfume that kind of thing.  This is simply a reaction, an echo.  It is not who I am.

Still, I found a job.  And I like this one.  I really like it.  The fit is good.

I assessed my situation.  The building was completed, I had my place painted and put it on the market.

And as stated I was successful with the sale and on May 9th, 2016 I found a new place!

A little rough around the edges, like me.  I would make the space a beautiful one.  I would make it a home.

In January I had renewed my mortgage and discussed the plan to sell with my mortgage specialist, who is fabulous.  He set the mortgage up to be  portable.  All was good.

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So when the call came that Canadian Housing Mortgage Corp. had pulled out, that I could not get financing…I spent last Wednesday evening in a very dark place.

What had I done wrong here?   Was I going to lose everything again?

I had never missed a payment.  Never defaulted on anything.  Still I no longer had the safety net of my RSP and my savings had been depleted.

The point of all of this was to regain control of a situation that could well get out of control.

The following day I was resigned to the fact that it would be back to renting. My boss asked how I was doing with everything and I told him it looked liked I would be renting once more.  His response would goad me back into action.  “So…you’re just going to give up?”

Calls were made, bank managers were contacted.  My mortgage guy went back to it and put it on the table.  My realtor got an extension on the subjects being removed.  Again it came as ‘No’ on Friday morning.

Well, that’s it then.  I felt defeated, deflated, abandoned.

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I wanted an explanation.  Not the debt ratio where I was three percent out of what CMHC considered acceptable.  I was not going to go out quietly.

Someone was deciding my fate without knowing how hard I’d worked to get here.  Someone was looking at numbers, nothing more.  Someone who didn’t know the hardships I’ve overcome to get to this point.

I picked up the phone.  Then they at least had to know who they were saying ‘No’ to I decided.

The first fellow tried in vain to curtail my attempts to take this further.

Not once did I swear or raise my voice, though at times the emotions caused me to have a higher pitch. I insisted that I need to speak to a manager and was put on hold, a few times.

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Finally he put me through to Joanne who had been dealing with my file from the get go.  She did not want to talk to me.

I was not about to drag it out, I just wanted her to know what a tough year I’d had and that I was doing the right thing by taking the actions I had.  She spouted privacy laws, she could only speak with the lender, not the person whose life her decision was affecting.

The debt ratio came up.  She had laws to abide by.  Had I broken a law here?  No.  Why was her organization pulling the plug when they had renewed my mortgage for 5 years just a few short months ago?  The debt had been there then as well.  It had been made portable for the very reason we were here today.

And damn!  I’m so proud of how I relayed my message on Friday.  With calm determination I wanted her to know that I was not a number.  I’d made mistakes, yes.  I’d had a tough year, but I’d paid for everything.  I was taking care of everything in a responsible way.  Why was I being cut short here?  You are telling me that a three percentage point is going to alter my life?

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Joanne would tell me nothing due to ‘privacy’ laws.  I requested then that she contact my lender and provide an answer to my inquiries.  I didn’t want to hear about debt ratio.

With the money laundering that is currently going in the real estate market…well, I won’t go there.

I think Kenny cringed a bit when he received the message from Joanne.  She wasn’t happy.  Still this had been an action I’d taken on my own.  Kenny called me.  He was going to try one more thing.

Collectively we held our breathes.

I was so very grateful to my boss and his father for encouraging me not to give up.  I was so thankful that I had the  mortgage and realtor guys that I do in my corner.

At 7:30 pm I got the call.

I was approved.

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I’ve learned a great deal through this experience.  I made many assumptions prior to beginning this exercise of buying and selling.  This time I got my happy ending.

Now begins a new chapter. This time out I am whole, complete.  This time I will reach for the stars and I’ll get there.

Just watch me.

Namaste.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Full Circle


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Do we move in circles and dream in colour?

I know I do.

The past couple of years have challenged me on virtually every level.  In 2010 I took on the greatest transition of my life and that was to accept myself as whole.  It would take me up until about a month ago to realize I’d been successful in this endeavour.

I also realized it doesn’t stop there.

There is so much more depth, so much more life, so much more everything.

Then the health issues arose

The heart issues made me feel vulnerable and frail.

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The Cancer?

Well this made me feel as though I’d been invaded.  And the treatment of it made me feel ugly.  I felt as if the beautiful soul I was discovering slipped from my sight back into the abyss of my subconscious.

I began once again to have the doubts I’ve lived a lifetime with and as per usual, I hid what I was feeling and I hid it very well.

I was recovering from the brutality of the cancer treatment, running again, taking back my health when the accident occurred.

It felt like a kick…

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Last year was tough.  Really tough.  I’d released my book but found myself unable to concentrate on the game plan to market it.

The building I live in needed to be re-piped and this was costly.

The cement blocks of depression moved in once again making everything in my life feel unbearably heavy.

And fear.  Always at the edge of my ego waiting to blossom if it gets the chance.

I didn’t listen to my body insisting that it needed for me to take a break.  Unfortunately that has been a hard lesson to learn for me.

I took a week off after my heart procedure in 2011.  I took two weeks off after having a full hysterectomy (uterine cancer) 2013 and the only took the days off that I was in a chemo session.

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I took no time off after the accident.

Why?  Well that’s fear for you.  It comes in all forms.  I was afraid to slow down and deviate from all the projects and social events I was attending.  I was afraid to tell my workplace that I couldn’t concentrate.  I was terrified when I was enveloped by the ‘chemo fog’ that I would never get the recall I once had that had been instrumental to my success thus far in this life.

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Today I feel a calm I’ve not felt in a very long time.  I’m releasing the anxiety that has bound me.  What will be, will be. I’m trying to find that presence of mind and balance.  Health issues are still being determined.

But I feel good.  And I know that I’ll be okay.  I don’t know how…I just do.  I won’t fret about tomorrow or be anguished about my past.  I only have this moment.  Why should I expect anything else?

Namaste.

 

 

 

Silver Linings


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I am a person who will experience an epiphany and suddenly the whole world and my existence in it makes perfect sense.  Yet as quickly as the insight arrived it sinks faster than the Titanic back into the abyss of my subconscious.  And for me it is a shadow that I will try to pursue, try to recover and analyze.

Usually I have no idea what I’m doing or what I’m trying to discover.  And I just realized that is one of the absolute joys in living this life.

Being open and present.

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I would like to say that I’m open to new ideologies. new thoughts, however, I really don’t think there is anything really new about much of the information that draws me in.   The thing that changes is perspective.  Of how we see something, of how we regard our place in this world and participate in it.

For example, back in the day…way, way back human sacrifice to the Gods was acceptable and considered necessary.  The idea of having angry Gods was a frightening factor no doubt.

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And I often have these questions that creep into my mind’s eye regarding our existence.  How is it that we came to chart the stars?  How is it that we came to understand that they would never change and guide us on midnight journeys across foreign lands and oceans?

Back in 1632 Galileo would be tried and found guilty of heresy regarding his findings that the Earth was in fact circular and orbited around the Sun.

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And mathematics has had a long history in this world and just as I ponder how the written word came into being I too wonder how it is that the science of math began its journey as well.  I would think some of the first measurements would have been made by our own appendages of fingers, feet and hands.   Of course cycles such as daily, monthly, seasonal and birthing became recognized.

But how is it that someone decided they wanted to measure the speed of light from one star system to our own?

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Unfortunately a lot of information has been destroyed and lost to us over the millenniums.  And there is apparently information that the powers that be feel we should not be privy to.

I look for the silver linings in pretty much everything.  There is always a lesson to be learned or a fascinating piece of knowledge tucked away.

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If I rise each day with the idea that I’m open to learning, open to discovering more of what constitutes life and its infinite layers then this is a good thing.  And while I know that life has the bookends of birth and death…it is the fabric in between that we weave that fascinates and humbles me.

Namaste.

 

 

 

F*!*k the Economy!


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What is it about this God we call the economy that drives us to worship and follow it blindly.

Big business is tearing across this planet sucking every viable resource it can take to process and sell it to us in any number of ways.

The economy dictates that this be doen.

I can’t help but wonder what happened.  In my lifetime I’ve watched the economy take hold and alter how we live completely.  The industrial, then the technological revolution have had us running on the hamster wheel at breakneck speeds far too long.

Somethings gotta give.

What happened to our values?

I was born and raised in Vancouver.  I now live in New Westminster which is about a 15 minute drive from the city.  I can’t afford to live there any longer and  I certainly couldn’t purchase a home in Vancouver proper.  90% of the houses in Vancouver are currently well over a million dollars.

Condos are crazy expensive as well.

I have lived and worked in pretty much every corner of the lower mainland (aka Greater Vancouver Regional District) at some point in my life.  This beast called development has devoured Vancouver proper and is now beginning to spread its tentacles on the march  to the suburbs.

Towers, towers, and more condo towers are going on up!  Ten are slated in downtown New Westminster currently.  Five have begun construction.

And in truth much of the white hot market is being driven from off-shore buyers, namely Asian consumers.  Governments on every level state insist they have no way of determining how much of the market is being driven by off-shore purchasing here in British Columbia.

That, quite frankly, is bullshit. In a world with technology such as it is can surely determine  who is buying the properties here in Vancouver and where they live.

The trickle down effect has been devastating.  Seniors cannot afford to live in their homes.  Energy costs have skyrocketed.  People are making the choice between paying their utility bills or feeding themselves.

Rents are extreme and the rental market has deteriorated.

Daycare costs are insane.

The Employment Standards Act has been decimated.  A part-time worker here in BC has virtually no rights on the job.

Everything that generations before worked for, fought for is being dismissed rather handily by government officials of the day.  Gotta feed the economy.  Gotta create jobs.  Gotta inspire people to spend, spend, spend!

We need to change how we do business.  We need to change the concept of profit.

We need to consider what our individual footprint is on this world of ours.

I go to work in the morning and pass house that are 4,000 sq. ft and bigger.   I wonder who lives in these homes?  I never ever see lights on.  On occasion I’ve seen vehicles and a person or two. Do they work there or live there?

What happened to us?

 

An Epiphany…of Sorts


 

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Dyke Rd. in Richmond, BC  Feb. 16, 2016

 

I’ve been absent from this forum.  I know.

Yet surely you’ve experienced those moments when a thousand words fought for a voice within you.  Thoughts and ideas raced at break-neck speed wanting to take shape yet you kept them in the shadows.

I’ve been in that mind set as of late.

Writing projects, good ones, halted.  Why?  I don’t know.

I’m filling up my schedule.  More demands.  More commitments.  More challenges.  Why?  I don’t know.

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I stare at the screen and type a few words then question their meaning.  Why?  I don’t know.

Direction and balance are the things that I’m seeking.  And while I understand, to some degree why, I can say I really am not certain where to go from here.

A year ago I released my book.  And I am so proud and humbled by this achievement.  The last year was a tough one though.  An vehicle accident messed up my back and a work situation became intolerable as a result.

Agony.  It is nothing new.

Why then did I simply accept it as fact?

Change came as it must.

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Am I trying to organize my life too much?  Perhaps.

What I must distinguish is the things that I can influence and the things that I can only pray and hope will change.  Then I need to point myself in the right direction.

And that, my friends, is the $64,000 dollar question. Which way?

The rain is falling.  Been raining a lot as of late.

And I want, I need…

So many things, so many patches have covered this makeshift heart of mine that simply loves and expands.

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Mornings find me buying Tom (our local schizophrenic) his coffee then searching for the sunrise.

I drive past absurd estates in Richmond on my way to work then find myself driving along the rivers edge.

Herons, Eagles, Seagulls, Crows, etc. fly in uniform.

And always I’m treated to and blessed by the differences that each day offers.

Photographs are taken as I take in the beauty and challenge of each day.

And I wish…God knows, I wish…

Never say ‘what if?’

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Every once in a while though, I say just that.

I’m still here.  Still looking at this world each day with wonder, still wanting, still needing, still hoping…

 

 

 

Rabbit Holes…


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Have you ever felt that you’re getting back on track with everything in your life when another rabbit hole appears in the road and swallows you?

It happens.

I enjoyed the holidays.  I kept it very low key this year.  Quiet and reflective celebrations were the order of the day.  I did have a few days, however, where I just felt sad.  I just let myself feel it regardless of where those emotions were emerging from.  They could well just be echoes from the past moving through me.

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Time to get back to the grind and get back to life and living.

Pain still exists from the car accident that occurred close to a year ago.  I need to take my health back .  All of it.

I have concerns and more than anything these days I feel tired.  And I’m not going to hide behind the mantle of my age as the notion of this is poppycock!

Age has nothing to do with how I feel.

I’m mulling the previous year’s trials and tribulations over in my head. Oh, there are definitely a few things that I would have responded to differently but as with everything in this life it’s about moving forward not back.

There are times when how I feel scares me.  I’ll have moments of anger, moments of hurt, moments of painful conflict.  There are certain things I don’t like to feel.  I do understand why as well.

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When I was younger I had no handle on my emotional self.  Indeed, I was something of a loose canon that seemed to self-combust on far too regular basis.  It’s those extremes that haunt me and perhaps create the knee-jerk reaction I sometimes experience at an overwhelming emotion.  Hence, I try to distance myself and push it away.

I am trying now to get back to optimum health.  This is something that, in all honesty, I’ve never truly experienced.  Optimum health to me is experiencing wellness on every level of being physically, mentally, emotionally, intellectually, sexually and spiritually connected.

Balance.  Being present, aware…

I’ll feel a bit of fear creeping in and try harder still.

Ultimately that freakin’ rabbit hole appears and I find my balance in jeopardy and rather precarious.

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Still I keep taking more on and the expectations I hold myself to are perhaps a little bit too much at times.  I stare across the landscape of my being and see a tapestry of repairs and quick fixes as ideas and thoughts assail me from every angle.

“Don’t eat white food.”

“Don’t eat carbs after 12 noon.”

“Walk 10,000 steps daily!”

“Just move!”

“Live in the moment…now!”

“Don’t panic!”

“That person I saw in the blue car had an interesting face.”

“Put everything out to the universe…surrender.”

“Just breathe!”

“Good energy…good energy…good energy…”

“Positive energy will come back in abundance.”

“Just love…love dammit…Just Love!”

“Will this be returned?”

“Don’t think like this! Be positive!”

“Why do I feel like crying?”

“I should be happy, shouldn’t I?”

All of these things ran through my head in quick successeion as I took my Christmas Tree down, boxed up everything and cleaned.

Odd what moves through my mind at any given moment.

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I wanted to get the house ship shape so to speak and stopped when the pain in my back was unbearable.

Still I did manage to get quite a bit done.  I pushed forward focusing on some other things that required my attention.

It was back to work and the week has been a productive one.

And I sitting here feeling disenchanted, heavy, obtuse, irrelevant and foolish?

Why?

Placing my fingers against my temples I gently rub my forehead.  “Please, just go away.  I don’t want to feel these things.”

I just want to live and do so fully.

I checked out Banyen Books events page.  They have some interesting spiritual talks coming up.  Perhaps I need to start there.

Often we think that if we start with physical self the rest will follow.  Perhaps I’ll start with repairing my spiritual centre and work on the physical aspect at the same time.

Onward.  Namaste.  Peace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another Year…


Another year is coming to a close.  It has been one that has challenged on every turn.  I’ve also had to really look deep inside myself to understand why I behave in the manner that I do at times.  I’ve got adjust these behaviours in a big way as they do not serve me, nor anyone for matter.

They are the leftover echoes from a lifetime ago.

First and foremost is my health. I’ve take a few hits over the past few years.  Time to dust myself off and get on with living.

Getting back into shape is going to be painful.  But you know, it’s worth it!  Yesterday my daughter and I headed up to Grouse Mountain here in Vancouver, BC.

We are not skiers, however, there are lots of activities.  We hiked about for several hours.  Stood in many a long lineup, and dined before coming back down at day’s end.

I’ve been making it a point to be active every day this week.  Yesterday  left me in pain but you know what?  It was worth it.  I can’t stay on the sidelines any longer. I’ve got to fight through and take back my health.

And man, are we ever blessed here in Vancouver.  This is Vancouver’s backyard.  I hope you can come and play with us some time.  Enjoy!

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Early morning December 30, 2015 – Vancouver is in the backdrop.

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Boats in the harbour.

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On the other side, valley’s and mountains for as far as the eye can see!

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The Lions in winter…these are feature of Vancouver that are highly recognizable.

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Just wow!

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Skating!

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Prancer taking some downtime!

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A Blue Jay looking for a nibble!

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The majesty of the mountains that surround us

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One of the ski hills

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And as we prepare our decent the clouds appear like waves below

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Thanks for a beautiful day!

To everyone who has followed my blog, I’d like to wish you all a very Happy New Year!  May 2016 be filled with wonder and blessings of every kind.

Peace!

The Man Who Talks to God


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The view from my sofa

I’ve had a lovely holiday season thus far.  I’ve visited with family and friends.  I’ve attended a few gatherings that remind me how fortunate I am.

This has been a tough year.  Yet for all the challenges I’ve had they’ve provided insight into some of the areas I need to focus on.  One of them is most definitely my health and well being.  I’ve got to take back the level of health I was enjoying just a couple of years ago.

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The gal pals from school.

I woke early yesterday.  I didn’t have any coffee which is unusual for me.  I’d meant to pick it up the day before.  These days, however, if I curl up the sofa with my Canucks  blanket tucked about my person then chances of stepping out into the cold again are slim to none.

I bargained with myself that I’d do it first thing in the morning.

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Walking down through the 4th Street overpass yesterday morning shortly after 7:00 AM.

At 7:00 AM I slipped from bed and dressed to go for a walk.  Two hours later I arrived back home.  I’d walked the length of the Quay from the 4th Street Overpass down to the end of New West Waterfront Esplanade.  I’d stopped at Angelina’s for breakfast then I traipsed over the Quayside Drive overpass and stopped at Safeway to pick up my coffee.  Then toddled back home.

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Walking along the Westminster Pier Park walkway watch the sun come up 

I was in pain, though it was moderate.  I know for the next little while any activity I do will leave me in pain, but you know, I just gotta do it.  The alternative is worse.

I then went and had my hair trimmed up and decided to head to downtown Vancouver to use some of the gift cards I received for Christmas.

This is the first shopping trip I’ve made to downtown Vancouver this year which is really odd for me.  My daughter and I decided to meet up and have dinner later in the afternoon as well.

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Out by where I’m now working in Steveston 

I arrived downtown around 1:30 PM.  It has been so beautiful out and the mountains were just glorious!  I decided to have a gander at the new kid on the block being Nordstroms.  It actually looks very much like the one in Seattle.  It is bright, open and accommodating.  It is also outside of my price range.

Still they’ve made every attempt to make customers feel very comfortable regardless of their income.  On the second level is a bar where I watched three men taking photos of their Ceasars! I suppose there is a novelty to this idea of having a drink while you’re out shopping right in the store.

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Canada Place a couple of weeks ago at the Charity Breakfast

I smiled then wondered how much they’d given their wives to spend.  They may well need another drink.

Nordstoms is competing with Holt Renfrew and The Bay in the downtown core.  I’m sure they’ll do well.

I checked out Old Navy then it was on to MAC.  I stopped in at various stores along the way.  I’m on the hunt for some good work shoes for the docks out in Steveston.  Uggs had a nice pair that was just a little too expensive at this time coming in at $255.

I’ll head over to the outlet stores in Queensborough to see if I can find a deal.

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The mountains covered in snow yesterday at 4:30 PM

I made my way down Robson to Burrard then headed toward Mahoney & Sons on the water where I would be meeting my daughter.  I definitely got my 10,000 steps in and I was feeling it.  I was now in need of a bathroom.  I went into the Royal Centre Mall and could not find a public washroom at all.  The Hyatt Regency Lobby claimed to have facilities but I could not find them.  I was running early so I stopped at the Elephant and Castle deciding to use their facilities, have a pint and rest for a bit.

Pulling out my notebook I began to jot down a few thoughts.  A man sitting a few seats over asked me what I was writing about.  He also told me I had bronchitis when I coughed. I smiled and told that no, I didn’t have this affliction.

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Steveston a couple of weeks ago in the morning

He continued to ask me questions periodically to which I would reply.  A text message made it clear I’d be here a little longer so decided to give up the writing quest and chat with the fellow beside me.  I’ve always enjoyed conversing with people.  I’m seldom intimidated and if the conversation gets uncomfortable, then I politely excuse myself.

He asked me what I thought God was.  Quite the ice breakers.

I told him that to me God was an entity of pure energy that resided within all of us and a.k.a. love.  He spoke of the big bang theory, the collision of light and dark matter.  He spoke of time and our human failings.  It was an interesting conversation.  He told me God speaks through him and that life is about love and compassion.  He went on to tell me that he was clairvoyant as well.

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At the Vancouver Trade & Convention Centre yesterday

Smiling he told me I’m an old soul.  I’ve been told this in the past as well.  He wanted to pay for my drink and buy me another.  I politely declined.  It really wasn’t necessary.  He told me I’d write about him.  I grinned and said yes, I most likely would.  He claimed to have money and lot of it and he was having issues with his family.

We did not exchange names.  There was something very familiar about him though and there was a sadness that resonated through him.  He told me I still have some anger issues.  This is true, though I’m aware and working on these aspects of self.

We spoke about dimensions and the need to get out of the 3rd dimension and into the 4th and beyond.  Now, you may be thinking that he was a little out there.  The odd thing is I’ve been researching all of these things for many years now.

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The world contained at the Vancouver Trade & Convention Centre

Some of the posts I’ve written on this blog deal with these topics as well.

It was time to leave.  I think he would have talked well into the night had I remained.  I wished him well then went to freshen up a bit.  As I left the establishment I noted he was no longer there.

Later when I got home certain parts of this conversation came back to me.  He asked me if I could ask God anything what would it be.  After a few minutes of consideraton I decided that I’d ask if I was done with the health issues I’ve experienced.

The answer was interesting.  If I didn’t want them back then I was in the clear and would live a long life.  And oddly this made sense.

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Winter foliage on the Quay in New West yesterday morning

Now it’s about health and wellness.  I’ve got a long road ahead of me.

The other thing that intrigued me was a comment that he made about the anger issues that are still ongoing.  This is negative energy of which I’m aware.  I described it as peeling back layers of an onion.  You think you’ve dealt with everything only to find yet another issue that needs to be addressed.

“Before you go to sleep tonight, count to eight, then think about the relationship between you father and his dad.  There may be some answers there. ” he instructed.

This struck simply because I never spoke about my family at all and this is indeed a relationship I know very little about.

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Santa’s a little hung up on the Quay in New West yesterday

The conversation had been very much about the great beyond and our place in it.  Dark matter will swallow light if you let it and in many ways he is right in that we are in this struggle currently on our planet.

If we give in to fear and anger it will consume us.  Not a good place to be.

And as I walked down to meet my daughter for dinner I thought of how good it was to converse with a stranger about the state of everything.

And there have been several times in my life when those conversations have indeed steered me in a direction I’d not thought of previously.  Sometimes they open the mind just a little more.

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What a lovely way to commemorate those you loved. Located at the Quay in New West

And sometimes it’s just great chatting with someone you don’t know and will likely never cross paths with again.

Peace.

 

 

 

 

The Obits


June 30, 2015 New West New Moon 002-2

There are a few certainties in this life.  We’ll all pay taxes at some point and we may pay a bundle at that.  Then just as surely as we came into this world, we will all pass from it as well.

I believe it’s what we do between the goal posts of life and death that matters.

When my mother passed away she had lived in relative seclusion up in Fort MacMurray, a northern oil town in Alberta.  For the last ten years of her life she had no phone and contact was made through the writing of letters.  This was sporadic at best.

Mom had a lived a hard life.  It had been filled with heartache and abuse which ultimately led to mental illness.  She was just 69 years old when she died.

I’m now 57 years of age so I’m around the age when she packed up from Edmonton, Alberta and headed north.

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I gave Edmonton a try for three years.  I also gave birth to my daughter there.   In the early 1980’s Edmonton didn’t really have a lot to offer and besides, it was too damn cold!  I returned to Vancouver, BC my birthplace and keeper of my heart.

Mom had moved to Edmonton in the late 1970’s after her marriage fell apart.

I won’t get into that kerfuffle as it was complicated.

I went out to Edmonton later to try and reconnect with her…at least that was my initial goal.

I was something of a basket case myself back in the day.

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In any case, after I left Alberta and returned to BC with my child, mom packed up and headed north.  It was a move I could not comprehend at that time and it would take many years after her death for the full realization and comprehension to come to light.  Sadly it was during the preparations for her ‘funeral’ that many things became glaringly apparent.

And one thing I began to consider was my own morality.

“How do you want to be remembered?” I asked myself one day.

It’s an odd question in a way but it also speaks to the footprint you choose to leave behind.

Mom had been raised  Lutheran so we found a church that followed this faith.  I sat with the good Pastor discussing the memorial and he asked me several questions designed to assist him in preparing a personalized eulogy for her.  The questions were the type that I should have known the answers to.  Sadly, many of them I could not answer.

When I left that day it was with the knowledge that I really didn’t know too much about this woman who had given me life.

Photographs from her youth show a vivacious and spirited beauty.  This was beaten out of her before I had reached my 10th birthday.

How is it that I happened on this train of thought?

Friday evening found me Christmas shopping.  I picked up a few goodies to drop off at  BC Childrens Hospital as well picking up gifts for those that I love and adore.

By 7:30 PM I was done and stopped in at Boston Pizza for a nibble and decided to peruse the local paper.  I used to read the paper daily over breakfast.

Life changed a bit and so did I.   I began rising early and going for a run in the morning.  The newspaper subscription was adjusted to weekends only.

Then weekends began to fill up with social events and workshops so I cancelled it altogether.  Indeed, news comes in so many forms these days.

What I used to enjoy with physical newspapers though is the various reporters and their take on current events.  I would look forward to a certain journalist’s angle on a story.

And you know, it seemed back when I read the paper daily,  life was a little slower then.

Now we are bombarded by news and various media throughout the day.  Something happens and within ten minutes its being reported online.

Back when I did read the paper all those years ago on a daily basis I had gotten into the habit of reading the obituary columns as well.  It’s an odd thing that many of us do.

On Friday evening as I finished my meal I found myself once again glancing through the Obits.  They’ve changed over the years as well.  A photo almost always accompanies the write up and now you can pretty much figure out who has a lot of money to spend and who doesn’t. Some of the obits take up a 1/4 page.  That is expensive, I have no doubt.

And as I considered this I was struck by the sad realization the even in death we equate someone’s monetary stature with the size of the obituary notice.

A strange sensation then rushed over me.  The conversation with the pastor back in 1998, taking mom’s ashes up to a local bar with my sister for ‘one last beer’, the cost of the obituary that was quoted and realizing that the initial message was too expensive  at that time.  And all the unanswered questions of who she really was.

I gazed out the window and watched the traffic move by.  I thought about what I’d want people to say about me and how that would look in print.  I wouldn’t want a lengthy column espousing how fabulous and great I was.  I’m not extraordinary though I’ve met people and have experienced things that have remind me of how fortunate I have been.

I’m just a woman who discovered she had a choice and am exercising this in the most  positive manner I know and that is through love and forgiveness.

I’m a pretty simple gal so I would want to keep simple and this is what I came up with:

Nancy Pilling

February 22, 1958 to_______________________________

She loved and was loved.

Continue her legacy and make it your own.  Just love.

Says it all.

Peace.