A Funny Thing Happened on the Road to Success & Happiness…I Failed, I think?


I haven’t been on here for awhile, I know.

If you’ve followed this blog of mine, you’ll know I began writing it the day after I had a heart procedure.

The plan…practice writing daily and become a better writer!

And I must say, I did succeed in that endeavour.  I wrote my very first book, a memoir, and self-published it three years later.

I went through cancer and three jobs.   I gained a massive amount of weight due to the cancer treatment and just as I began to take control a vehicle accident occurred leaving a back injury that has pretty much shut down much of my physical activities.

And it seemed for a time that the rains of hell had found me. At the end of this,  depression ensued and engulfed me.  Much of what I was writing had a victim / poor me mentality to it…and I loathe this attitude in myself.

Thus I did not share and my posts on this forum began to dwindle.  Why should I post that which I despise about myself?

I have notebooks full of my pain.  Pages are lovely things, are they not?  They do not a question and you can express anything you want.  It is your choice to share, and I just could not.

I have people tell me how remarkable I am, what a lovely person I am. And you know, it is strange to hear this and impossible at times to believe this as I look in the mirror decidedly disgusted with who I am at the moment.

Yet it is the love of my friends and family that has allowed me to develop this patchwork heart of mine.  They can’t be wrong I insist to myself.  I must live up to whatever it is that they see that I don’t.

I get that the last five years or so have been tough. And I could well wax poetic on the injustice of it all.

I won’t.

Physical pain has become a daily thing that I manage. And yet I still get to enjoy the sunrise and the turning of the seasons.  I still have this wild imagination that is begging me to write the stories working through the passages of my mind.

I am blessed with the people that I call friends.  And it for them and my family who encourage and insist that somehow I matter that I push on, that I will work to honour not only myself but all those who’ve given me their love to hold always and forever in my heart that I must respect and nurture.

This is what I need to get me through the day.  All the mistakes and bad choices I’ve made recede.   I’ll get through this.

And yes, at times I feel like I’ve failed yet again.  But then I’m not even certain what it is I’m seeking other than some peace of my being.

To just say, I’m happy with who I am. I am complete.  How good would that be?!

I’ve come close at times, or at least I thought I did.   I work at being my authentic self, which I must say continues to reveal parts of me like that of an onion being revealed one thin layer at a time.

Still, gotta be honest to myself first and foremost.  At times it is hard as I take in the world today.  I remind myself that all I can do is walk through this world with the thoughts and ideas that may benefit who we are as a people and hope the love and appreciation I feel will spread.

I’m back.  Coming out of the dark recesses of depression.  Accepting once again that yes, I am a smart and genuine woman.  Accepting that I am a loving and giving individual.

Yup.  Well Namaste my friends.

Thanks for checking in, for following my ramblings. There will be more to come.  Have no doubt. And always I look forward to hearing from you.

Cheers!

 

 

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Another Year…


 

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My birthday is fast approaching.  Next Wednesday I’ll celebrate fifty-nine years!

In a conversation with my daughter last night we discussed age.  While some may say that 59 years of age is old…it doesn’t ‘feel’ that way.  What an odd way to describe our age though as how we feel?

I will always feel the wonder of this world that I inhabit.  Despite all the mess currently going on regarding the politics of our time, this planet of ours is so much bigger and wondrous than we’ll every be.

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We are not all that nice to each other or to our Earth at times, are we?

On Wednesday here in BC we will celebrate not only someone’s birthday but also Pink Shirt Day which is an initiative against bullying.

The theme this year “Make Nice”.

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I’d like to take that challenge a bit further and just ask everyone to practice kindness on a daily basis.

It isn’t easy.

Still the benefits so outweigh the difficulty of dealing with our anger and not projecting it elsewhere.   And if someone is hurting ask if they’d like to talk.

Listening is one the best skills any of us can have.  I have been working on this in a big way.

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Since joining a local Toastmasters chapter a year and half ago my listening skills have increased ten fold.  Still, there is always room for improvement and always will be.

We just passed Valentines Day.  At our Toastmasters meeting we were all asked to say one word that describes what love  means to  us.

After the fact I thought about this quite a bit.  How could one word define love?

And this is what struck me just before falling to sleep a few nights back.

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Love = Freedom

 

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Hate = Fear

Freedom is expansive…it encompasses so much!  Embrace freedom and surrender to a loving heart!

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Kindness matters…always!

 

 

 

 

 

Life in the Fishbowl


 

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I rise just before 6:00 AM. I’ve been sleeping just a tad longer these days.  Leaving the welcome warmth of my bed can be difficult at times.  This has been a cold winter and I always turn the heat down in the evenings before going to bed as I cannot sleep well when it’s too stuffy.  Having the air be a bit on the cool side is okay when I’m tucked beneath my down-filled comforter.

Pillows tucked around me,  just so, with just my wee head popped out the top.  When the alarm sounds to rouse me from my slumber feeling the cool of the morning air inspires me to press the snooze button a few times.

And sleep has been odd these days.  Constant waking throughout the night.

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My dreams have been fervent and harried.  I wake feeling as though I am coming a great distance to join the waking world.  Even as my eyes begin to open, I am often still very much in the dream state.

Caught between two dimensions, if not more.

I shake the sleep from me by way of a morning shower.  In and out, slap moisturizer on, apply a bit of make-up, brush my teeth, drink a glass of water.  Dry my hair, dress and put my lunch together then dash out the door.

When did it become necessary for me to arrive at work so early?  Usually by 7:30 AM I’m sipping my coffee, going through emails and organizing my work day.

I put this on myself.  And yet, I love the early morning.  When the weather is great I witness sunrises that are breathtaking.  If not, I enjoy the sound of the rain.  The torrential down pours, I must admit, are a bit much sometimes.

As I cross the Queensborough Bridge I listen to the news of the day.  These days a man named Trump seems to dominate the air waves.

And I pause to wonder why it is as humans we can’t seem to find that balance in terms of getting along.

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Why is it so difficult?  Is it just our nature to behave the way we do?

Trump is trying to save Americans from what, I cannot say.  He’s sees a threat I suppose and feels it necessary to build walls and keep people out.

I feel deeply saddened by this.  Living in fear is a bad place to be.  I’ve been there. This is what I see when Trump is insistent on building a wall along the U.S. / Mexico border and when he bans people from seven countries housing those who follow the muslim faith from entering the country.

I see fear.

Trump thinks he’s being tough, and sadly tough is not what any of us needs.

In fact, we need compassion, love, understanding and acceptance.

When a country the size of the U.S. elects a President to isolate them to the degree he has already implemented in just under two weeks, we really need to look at ourselves collectively and how it is we all got here.

And sadly the United States is deeply divided as well.

A travel ban has been put in place and a 5 year old boy was detained for several hours and taken in hand cuffs at the Dallas Airport.

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Why?

Here in Canada, a disillusioned young man went into a mosque and shot down six people of Muslim faith as they prayed.

Why?

I believe, must believe that we all basically good at heart.  There is a a percentage of human population that is not good, misguided and evil. This is displayed in so many ways.  And oddly enough history has a way of repeating itself.

Still we have in the last 25 years gone through an extraordinary changes.  When industrialization took hold back in the mid-1800 and early 1900’s the response was not good.  Two world wars and then seemingly this world embraced the industrial age with fevered acceptance.

We humans, by our very nature, like routine. And yet in the last 60 years this world has changed so dramatically.

The industrial age quickly gave way to the computer age.  In my lifetime, and I am only pushing 59 years of age, I’ve witnessed the introduction of colour TV to having a device that I can hold in my hands that will connect me world wide.  Technology has moved into our lives at a rabid pace.

We haven’t exactly embraced it.

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Socially we turn to our computers, our smart phones and connect in a totally different manner.

We date…online.

We rant…online.

We do everything…online.

Show our intimate bits, and say things typically we would not.

Yet there is this world out there and the space that surrounds us.  A triangle formed by the new Moon, Mars and Venus held me in absolute rapture as it did so many others.

Snow that had piled up over several weeks leaving local lakes frozen over drew crowds that pulled on their ice skates to enjoy skating under a full moon.

And there is a magic to it.  There really is.  When we feel connected to the world we inhabit, it is a grand thing.

When we work collectively as the human race…oh…it is such a beautiful thing.  And it is usually in reaction to a massive evil that brings us together.   These days we find ourselves once again caught up in what appears  a terrible thing.

Let me leave you with this.

There is a small boutique hotel in downtown Vancouver that has been around for a very along time.  I won’t go into the why of it  now, however, across the parapet there is signage that reads:

UNLIMITED GROWTH INCREASES THE DIVIDE

On the Community College that sit across from it a sign went up recently that reads:

LET’S HEAL THE DIVIDE

We have more similarities than we do differences. Let’s focus on our commonalities and see where that takes us.  Let’s heal the divide.

To those who’ve lost loved ones due to violence inspired by fear and ignorance, I feel your hurt, pain and confusion.

Find forgiveness as this will save you.  Continue to love as this will elevate you.

If I could I’d wrap this world in love, I would.

So why don’t we give it a go.

Namaste.