A Pledge

 

Sunset, November 28, 2016 in Richmond , BC

I have not written much in the last six months.  In fact, I’ve not been writing much at all in any capacity.

Understand that it is not a lack of ideas.  This head of mine never turns off, and there are times where I dearly wish it would take a break.

No, the ideas just pile up.  When I slip into bed they fight for position and I promise to commit them all to the page so that I can get some much needed rest.  At some point I will.

Been a tough year and half though.  And at some point I had to finally accept that I am human after all.  And I’ve been far too human for the majority of my life.  What do I mean by this?

The pain of being incomplete…at least in my head.  The pain of rejection, of not being loved by those who would impact my life directly (i.e. family), and the desire to just be whole.

So the quest was taken on and in 2010 such a major breakthrough!

I was soaring.  Finding aspects of myself I’d never known and growing in every way imaginable.  I was tearing down walls and breaking chains that had confined for a lifetime and I was scared shitless at all the emotions and moods that were enveloping me.

I produced my first book, was running 1/2 marathons and taking control of my life in a way I’d never done before.  I liked who I was becoming…loved the direction I was moving in.

Then physical ailments hit me.  Heart issues…a stent was inserted and then uterine cancer.

But I took these on the chin.  I wasn’t prepared to let them take me down.

In January 2015 I had been working with a trainer for 3 months and had started back with my running group when the car accident happened.

‘I can never do anything with my hair phobia.’

But it wasn’t just that.  It was being let go from a position I’d held for 5 1/2 years because chemo had messed up my focus.  It was taking on a job that was far too stressful considering my physical issues…it was the a back injury that compounded  all the issues and then the condo I owned having no hot water and a serious special assessment needing to be paid out.

I’ve never had a back injury.  Finding myself in a position where just going for a walk left me in agony was so tough to deal with.  I was trying desperately to hang onto what…I wasn’t too sure.

2015 was such a bad year for me.  I toughed it out though. I had to.  In typical fashion I figured I could do everything myself.  HA!

Oh yes, I kept records for ICBC.  I tried to get back my health only find I was worse off.  Then depression hit.  I was sinking.  I was let go from the stressful job unceremoniously and without cause.  My confidence was non-existent.

Between Cancer treatment and my pity parties I had put on 80 lbs.  I felt and looked awful.  I was in pain constantly and started to wonder if it all the shit was worth it.  I was spending money irresponsibly.

I found another job after a few months but I was scared. My old place was sinking me and I was drowning in debt.

In the New Year I saw my place fixed up and sold it by mid-April.  Paid down a big chunk of my debt and got set up in my new home, which I love!

Still, I was moving a frenetic pace.  A new program at work…a reunion,..getting back on track with my health and trying to deal with behaviours that had reared their heads once again.

And now I’m sitting here hoping that my tenacious attitude to try and deal and resolve all this will succeed this time.  And I pledge that I will never give up on whatever it is I am supposed to give back to this world.

Peace out!

 

Advertisement

2016…A Year of Transitiions

This has been an interesting year.  One filled with several challenges.  As I begin to finally settle into my new digs I am reflecting on some of the things that I’ve experienced and felt.  And I’m thinking about the things I am in the process of adjusting and / or changing.

One thing that is out…the microwave.

A microwave is a form of non-ionizing radiation. As a matter of contrast, ionizing radiation changes the electromagnetic nature of atoms, or ionizes them. … Your food is being zapped by high-frequency waves of heat, and some people argue that this radiation can be harmful to your health.     Feb 24, 2015 

I used to cook all the time without one.  Perhaps it’s time to revisit those habits.  Still, I have a panini maker that makes awesome sandwiches if I want something fast!  I’ve got my Ninja that makes awesome smoothies and shakes!  The appliances are old but in very good condition.  I’ve cleaned them to the point that they appear new.  They are about 30 years old.

I like to have a cold one and read a book.  I’ve read many books this year.  Taking the time to do the things I love to do.

These were two of the books I read this summer.  Gareth Wood is a friend.  I met him at my first writers’ group.  He is an excellent writer!  The other book that I read was ‘The Rainbow Comes and Goes’ by Anderson Cooper and Gloria Vanderbilt.

I’m actually reading a classic at the moment.  ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’.

As stated I moved and I’ve been here a couple of months now.

Moving day August 5, 2016.  A little windy that day but we got it done!  These were the first photos I took from my balcony!

And then I explored my new neighborhood.  I found fabulous trails in the ravine that borders our building!!!

It is beautiful!

And I was being my old silly self.  Sharing time with my daughter in her neck of the woods as well.  We would head up to Ucluelet over on Vancouver Island during the Labour Day weekend.

We enjoyed the beauty of the rain forest.  Some of the trees here are more than 800 years old!

We met Pinky, a female Humpback whale that’s been coming to Barkley Sound for the past 5 years to feed.

Sea lions waved at us as we passed by on a Zodiac during our Whale Watching expedition.

There were at least a hundred relaxing on the rocks.  Cormorants  and seagulls  occupied the other end of this little island.

We decided to head up to Long Beach.  It is absolutely spectacular up there.

The weather was fabulous.  And at night, I saw something I’ve not seen in ages.

Stars!  I saw billions of stars!

There is an aboriginal settlement that is 5,000 years old close by.

On our final day we woke to heavy fog.

My daughter prepares as we consider our final destination.

This lighthouse has stood here for more than 100 years.  The rocks in this area are unforgiving.  If you plan on sailing in this area…best to know what you’re doing.

Then it was back home.  This a photo of Vancouver from the ferry.

The Tragically Hip performed their last concert from Kingston, Ontario.  It was broadcast live across Canada.  Gord Downie, the lead singer, has been diagnosed with an aggressive form of brain cancer.  I’m praying that a miracle happens.

He and his band have produced some of the most prolific music…ever!

We watched the concert here in New Westminster during the food truck festival.

Then it was back to work.   We are making a lot of changes and upgrading systems.

And I’m once again enjoying the awesome sunrises that occur during the autumns months on my drive in to work each day.

And the sunsets have been pretty spectacular as well.

The view outside my home is changing as well.  The trees are all ablaze.

Pumpkins are almost ready for picking.

That’s what I’ve been up to more or less.  I received the all clear regarding my health.  The heart is good and my body is cancer free and beginning the long journey back from the effects of treatment.

I still have back issues from the vehicle accident, however, I need to keep moving.  The alternative…well, we won’t go there.

This is our Thanksgiving weekend and I have so much to be thankful for.

I know I am blessed and need to say it more often.

I hope you enjoy the photos.

Namaste.

 

In A Nutshell….

 

May the 9th as evolved as rather significant date in my life reaping various challenges upon me.

I’d been successful in selling my condo and was now on the hunt for new digs.

The last few years have been tough in many ways physically, emotionally and its been hard financially as well.

Seven years ago on May 9, 2010 I ran the Sun Run which is a 10 km race in Vancouver. Crossing the finish line had a profound effect on me.  I had also just purchased my first home!

My focus became my health and well being.  I decided it was time to tackle all the issues that had plagued me for a lifetime.  I got back into running in a big way and decided it was time to dive into my passions and bring them to the forefront.  I pursued writing and photography with a rabid hunger.

For the first time in my life I was really letting myself search my potential and even more so I was building upon it.

A book was in the works, I had joined writing groups, I’d taken a photography class and had found some shutterbugs to roam the streets with.  And I was working on some emotionally deep issues as well.

Emotionally I was sideways for a time.  Dealing with repressed issues was a strange balance between how I was and how I am now and putting them together to become the person I wanted to be.

People came into my life offering direction and guidance.  And I was actually asking for help, in a round about way.

The introvert was becoming an extrovert.  Still I was pretty rough around the edges.  The emotional aspects were hard to express as I was living through it and not certain about any of it.

As the emotional storm began to settle health issues began to arise.  The first was the heart issue.  I had a stent put in and carried on. I was encouraged to keep running, to keep hitting the gym which I did.  After being on blood thinners for a year and getting the all clear on my health  I decided to treat myself to the BMO 1/2 Marathon.

Halfway through training I began to falter, however, I ran the 1/2 Marathon on May 5, 2013.

Four days later on May 9, 2013 I discovered I had uterine cancer.  So came surgery and treatment.  I worked through all of it, however, my performance at work was impacted as chemo can do a number on you.  Six months after treatment was complete I was terminated and given 5 weeks notice after 5 1/2 years on the job.

A personality conflict with one of the partners was sited.  The partner in question was a rude, cold individual who commented continually on my shortcomings during cancer treatment. In layman’s terms .  An asshole.

I found another job within 3 weeks.  Better pay and full benefits!

Some things, however, are not as they seem.  While I initially thought this was the job I’d been looking for, it became anything but that.

Working with an antiquated computer system, and this was new industry for me, I walked into the worst mess I’ve seen.  There had been no accountant in the position for 4 months prior.  This had not been disclosed.

The promise of a new computer system that would be implemented within three months of my start date never happened and has still not occurred.

I’m either a fool or a trooper, perhaps a bit of both, but I dove into it, despite the fact that chemo still had me a little foggy.  Perhaps that’s why I jumped in the way I did.

I worked hard.  Really hard.  Too hard.  Rebuilding a company that was in serious relapse with its clients and vendors, restoring the relations necessary to do business in a manner that is balanced and productive.  I worked along side two women who were exceptional and assisted in my efforts in every way.

In the New Year I headed to Vegas to visit a friend.  A vehicle accident occurred.  My car was totaled.

I thought I’d be fine.  I wasn’t.  As the months passed my neck and back were like a vise.

If my ability to remain focused had been a little challenged before now it was painfully so.  Still I toughed it out.  Didn’t take any time off as felt I could not.  With dogged determination I muscled through.  Working with a DOS based program requires you to think about applications differently as well.

Yet I did.

I was so close to having the whole thing brought up to date, so close to having all the checks and balances back in place, so close to completing what had at first seemed impossible when I was unceremoniously released from my employment contract.

This I didn’t see coming.

The other major issue for 2015 was the re-piping of my condo building.  Twelve of the forty-seven units lost their hot water for three months.  Mine was one of the units.  The cost escalated to a ridiculous rate.  I cleaned out my RSP and savings to pay for it.

2015 was a year where I felt that I was running up hill the entire year but not really moving.

In 2014 I’d started my own publishing company in early 2015 I’d released my book, however, with the chaos occurring in my life from the accident and the building repairs I thought it might be best to focus on marketing it later.

I’m nothing if not resourceful.  Unable to run or hit the gym…and spending far too much time at physio I thought it may be prudent to build on my public speaking skills.

In effect I had none.  So I joined my local Toastmasters to work on that aspect of self.  2015 was a tough year.  Depression reared its ugly head and as the year closed out I found myself unemployed and feeling desperate.

I had worked so hard and now it felt like everything was starting to slip away.  I had made some poor decisions.  Shopping sprees that were ongoing for a time.  Purchases of $300 in perfume that kind of thing.  This is simply a reaction, an echo.  It is not who I am.

Still, I found a job.  And I like this one.  I really like it.  The fit is good.

I assessed my situation.  The building was completed, I had my place painted and put it on the market.

And as stated I was successful with the sale and on May 9th, 2016 I found a new place!

A little rough around the edges, like me.  I would make the space a beautiful one.  I would make it a home.

In January I had renewed my mortgage and discussed the plan to sell with my mortgage specialist, who is fabulous.  He set the mortgage up to be  portable.  All was good.

So when the call came that Canadian Housing Mortgage Corp. had pulled out, that I could not get financing…I spent last Wednesday evening in a very dark place.

What had I done wrong here?   Was I going to lose everything again?

I had never missed a payment.  Never defaulted on anything.  Still I no longer had the safety net of my RSP and my savings had been depleted.

The point of all of this was to regain control of a situation that could well get out of control.

The following day I was resigned to the fact that it would be back to renting. My boss asked how I was doing with everything and I told him it looked liked I would be renting once more.  His response would goad me back into action.  “So…you’re just going to give up?”

Calls were made, bank managers were contacted.  My mortgage guy went back to it and put it on the table.  My realtor got an extension on the subjects being removed.  Again it came as ‘No’ on Friday morning.

Well, that’s it then.  I felt defeated, deflated, abandoned.

I wanted an explanation.  Not the debt ratio where I was three percent out of what CMHC considered acceptable.  I was not going to go out quietly.

Someone was deciding my fate without knowing how hard I’d worked to get here.  Someone was looking at numbers, nothing more.  Someone who didn’t know the hardships I’ve overcome to get to this point.

I picked up the phone.  Then they at least had to know who they were saying ‘No’ to I decided.

The first fellow tried in vain to curtail my attempts to take this further.

Not once did I swear or raise my voice, though at times the emotions caused me to have a higher pitch. I insisted that I need to speak to a manager and was put on hold, a few times.

Finally he put me through to Joanne who had been dealing with my file from the get go.  She did not want to talk to me.

I was not about to drag it out, I just wanted her to know what a tough year I’d had and that I was doing the right thing by taking the actions I had.  She spouted privacy laws, she could only speak with the lender, not the person whose life her decision was affecting.

The debt ratio came up.  She had laws to abide by.  Had I broken a law here?  No.  Why was her organization pulling the plug when they had renewed my mortgage for 5 years just a few short months ago?  The debt had been there then as well.  It had been made portable for the very reason we were here today.

And damn!  I’m so proud of how I relayed my message on Friday.  With calm determination I wanted her to know that I was not a number.  I’d made mistakes, yes.  I’d had a tough year, but I’d paid for everything.  I was taking care of everything in a responsible way.  Why was I being cut short here?  You are telling me that a three percentage point is going to alter my life?

Joanne would tell me nothing due to ‘privacy’ laws.  I requested then that she contact my lender and provide an answer to my inquiries.  I didn’t want to hear about debt ratio.

With the money laundering that is currently going in the real estate market…well, I won’t go there.

I think Kenny cringed a bit when he received the message from Joanne.  She wasn’t happy.  Still this had been an action I’d taken on my own.  Kenny called me.  He was going to try one more thing.

Collectively we held our breathes.

I was so very grateful to my boss and his father for encouraging me not to give up.  I was so thankful that I had the  mortgage and realtor guys that I do in my corner.

At 7:30 pm I got the call.

I was approved.

I’ve learned a great deal through this experience.  I made many assumptions prior to beginning this exercise of buying and selling.  This time I got my happy ending.

Now begins a new chapter. This time out I am whole, complete.  This time I will reach for the stars and I’ll get there.

Just watch me.

Namaste.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Full Circle

 

Do we move in circles and dream in colour?

I know I do.

The past couple of years have challenged me on virtually every level.  In 2010 I took on the greatest transition of my life and that was to accept myself as whole.  It would take me up until about a month ago to realize I’d been successful in this endeavour.

I also realized it doesn’t stop there.

There is so much more depth, so much more life, so much more everything.

Then the health issues arose

The heart issues made me feel vulnerable and frail.

The Cancer?

Well this made me feel as though I’d been invaded.  And the treatment of it made me feel ugly.  I felt as if the beautiful soul I was discovering slipped from my sight back into the abyss of my subconscious.

I began once again to have the doubts I’ve lived a lifetime with and as per usual, I hid what I was feeling and I hid it very well.

I was recovering from the brutality of the cancer treatment, running again, taking back my health when the accident occurred.

It felt like a kick…

Last year was tough.  Really tough.  I’d released my book but found myself unable to concentrate on the game plan to market it.

The building I live in needed to be re-piped and this was costly.

The cement blocks of depression moved in once again making everything in my life feel unbearably heavy.

And fear.  Always at the edge of my ego waiting to blossom if it gets the chance.

I didn’t listen to my body insisting that it needed for me to take a break.  Unfortunately that has been a hard lesson to learn for me.

I took a week off after my heart procedure in 2011.  I took two weeks off after having a full hysterectomy (uterine cancer) 2013 and the only took the days off that I was in a chemo session.

I took no time off after the accident.

Why?  Well that’s fear for you.  It comes in all forms.  I was afraid to slow down and deviate from all the projects and social events I was attending.  I was afraid to tell my workplace that I couldn’t concentrate.  I was terrified when I was enveloped by the ‘chemo fog’ that I would never get the recall I once had that had been instrumental to my success thus far in this life.

Today I feel a calm I’ve not felt in a very long time.  I’m releasing the anxiety that has bound me.  What will be, will be. I’m trying to find that presence of mind and balance.  Health issues are still being determined.

But I feel good.  And I know that I’ll be okay.  I don’t know how…I just do.  I won’t fret about tomorrow or be anguished about my past.  I only have this moment.  Why should I expect anything else?

Namaste.

 

 

 

Rabbit Holes…

Have you ever felt that you’re getting back on track with everything in your life when another rabbit hole appears in the road and swallows you?

It happens.

I enjoyed the holidays.  I kept it very low key this year.  Quiet and reflective celebrations were the order of the day.  I did have a few days, however, where I just felt sad.  I just let myself feel it regardless of where those emotions were emerging from.  They could well just be echoes from the past moving through me.

Time to get back to the grind and get back to life and living.

Pain still exists from the car accident that occurred close to a year ago.  I need to take my health back .  All of it.

I have concerns and more than anything these days I feel tired.  And I’m not going to hide behind the mantle of my age as the notion of this is poppycock!

Age has nothing to do with how I feel.

I’m mulling the previous year’s trials and tribulations over in my head. Oh, there are definitely a few things that I would have responded to differently but as with everything in this life it’s about moving forward not back.

There are times when how I feel scares me.  I’ll have moments of anger, moments of hurt, moments of painful conflict.  There are certain things I don’t like to feel.  I do understand why as well.

When I was younger I had no handle on my emotional self.  Indeed, I was something of a loose canon that seemed to self-combust on far too regular basis.  It’s those extremes that haunt me and perhaps create the knee-jerk reaction I sometimes experience at an overwhelming emotion.  Hence, I try to distance myself and push it away.

I am trying now to get back to optimum health.  This is something that, in all honesty, I’ve never truly experienced.  Optimum health to me is experiencing wellness on every level of being physically, mentally, emotionally, intellectually, sexually and spiritually connected.

Balance.  Being present, aware…

I’ll feel a bit of fear creeping in and try harder still.

Ultimately that freakin’ rabbit hole appears and I find my balance in jeopardy and rather precarious.

Still I keep taking more on and the expectations I hold myself to are perhaps a little bit too much at times.  I stare across the landscape of my being and see a tapestry of repairs and quick fixes as ideas and thoughts assail me from every angle.

“Don’t eat white food.”

“Don’t eat carbs after 12 noon.”

“Walk 10,000 steps daily!”

“Just move!”

“Live in the moment…now!”

“Don’t panic!”

“That person I saw in the blue car had an interesting face.”

“Put everything out to the universe…surrender.”

“Just breathe!”

“Good energy…good energy…good energy…”

“Positive energy will come back in abundance.”

“Just love…love dammit…Just Love!”

“Will this be returned?”

“Don’t think like this! Be positive!”

“Why do I feel like crying?”

“I should be happy, shouldn’t I?”

All of these things ran through my head in quick successeion as I took my Christmas Tree down, boxed up everything and cleaned.

Odd what moves through my mind at any given moment.

I wanted to get the house ship shape so to speak and stopped when the pain in my back was unbearable.

Still I did manage to get quite a bit done.  I pushed forward focusing on some other things that required my attention.

It was back to work and the week has been a productive one.

And I sitting here feeling disenchanted, heavy, obtuse, irrelevant and foolish?

Why?

Placing my fingers against my temples I gently rub my forehead.  “Please, just go away.  I don’t want to feel these things.”

I just want to live and do so fully.

I checked out Banyen Books events page.  They have some interesting spiritual talks coming up.  Perhaps I need to start there.

Often we think that if we start with physical self the rest will follow.  Perhaps I’ll start with repairing my spiritual centre and work on the physical aspect at the same time.

Onward.  Namaste.  Peace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Awakening

In the last few months I’ve truly begun to emerge and transform from the effects of cancer.  It’s not just the physicality aspect to it.  One of the biggest challenges has been dealing with the emotional fall out of treatment.

For a time I felt helpless with virtually no choice but to allow them to administer treatment after surgery when I may well have been cancer free.   Fear is something I know all too well and that was a huge factor as to why I went ahead with chemo and radiation.

And the cancer agency certainly propagated the fear.

Depression hit as treatment ended and then came the anger.

I am convinced that there are treatments out there that are not harmful to the body or create the risk involved with conventional treatment such as chemotherapy and radiation.

Then I watched a clip from an HBO documentary titled VICE: Killing Cancer.

This angered me so much.

They are now injecting viruses such as HIV into Cancer patients.   I saw images of people in HAZMAT outfits ‘neutering’ the virus so it won’t ‘grow’ in the patient.

Really?

Isn’t it bad enough that they inject patients with poison (aka chemo)?

Recently I’ve come upon a technology that I am going to check out.  It’s called PEMF.  This is an energy mat and its available through SWISS-BIONIC.  I am really excited about it and will definitely share my experiences with you.

A woman that I met at the seminar for the energy mat had received her mat a week prior.  She has breast cancer.

Like me she has questioned the conventional treatment we were prescribed.  She sent me a link to a series called THE TRUTH ABOUT CANCER:  A Global Quest.

I’ve watched Episodes 1 & 2 and then 7.

There are nine episodes.  This is the Facebook link.  https://www.facebook.com/thetruthaboutcancer?fref=ts

Having gone through the treatment it has given me a different outlook on all of this.  If I can assist in opening up dialogue about conventional treatment and the big pharmaceuticals’ and their agenda, then this will be a good thing.

I asked myself the question many times during treatment.  “If there was an inexpensive treatment for cancer, would they tell us?”

Silently I knew the answer would be ‘No.’  Being sick is a big business globally, particularly in North America.

And the telling part of all of this is that the doctors’ were not interested in some of the tell tale symptoms that came to my mind upon diagnosis.  I stated that just prior to entering menopause I had a two month cycle.  I was bleeding very heavy during this time.  They dismissed it immediately and told me this was irrelevant.  Uterine cancer is a result of an increase in the female hormone Estrogen.

At no time was I ever enlightened as to what some of the signs may have been.  I was simply told it was different for every women.   The other thing that was never discussed was my diet.

Nutrition is huge!

What we eat definitely impacts our exposure to cancer.  What else that has changed dramatically in the last 30 years or so is what’s in our food.

The dramatic change has been technology.  It has exploded and with it we have an atmosphere full of EMF’s that are not good for us.  Cell phones, towers, computers, WiFi, etc.

Did you know that if you use your cell phone as an alarm that you should set it to Airplane Mode so that you won’t be subject to  the radiofrequency energy (radio waves), a form of non-ionizing radiation. Tissues nearest to where the phone is held can absorb this energy.

And now the WHO (World Health Organization is stating that bacon and processed and cured meats contain carcinogens.

I am looking to educate myself and gain my health back.  I’m also looking to share what I come across.

Be well!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So Many Choices…

 

I’ve been absent from this forum over the last few months.  It’s not a question of having nothing to say.  I’ve always got something to say.  These days I’m slowing down a bit to decide the best method to deliver what it is I want to convey and, in fact, I’ve been considering the message itself.

I’m learning little by little how to navigate in this world of social media.  I’ve read many posts and watched podcasts.  I’ve hooked up Hootesuite but still don’t really know how to use it.  My daughter will give me a crash course at some point.

My health is improving but now I need to really focus on getting myself back into shape.

I still have lingering symptoms from the cancer treatment.   As I approach two years of being cancer free,  it is a milestone. This time frame in terms of recovery is particularly important for those having suffered Uterine Cancer.  If the cancer is to reoccur, it is usually within two years after the initial diagnosis and treatment.

I’ll be checking out the iMRS Swiss Bionic Energy Mat next Wednesday.  I’d like to find out a bit more about this and I know a couple who offer treatments.  So I may very well go for a treatment to see if it will help regenerate healthy tissue and repair some of the internal damage I know exists.

It is my understanding that notable improvement can occur after just one treatment.  Considering the issues I’ve had with my back since the car accident earlier in the year, this may provide some of the relief I’ve been seeking.  After all if I want to become active again, I need to find a way to manage the pain threshold so that I can rebuild.

I’ve been exercising my shutterbug passions and practicing hard at public speaking.  Where this will take me, I’m not certain but I’ll be prepared.

These days the focus is on where I want to go with my life.  There are several options and I have to decide which one not only serves me best but that allows me to give back in the manner that I want to.  I’ve been developing ideas and now I need to implement them.

Stay tuned!

Talking to Myself

 

This year has blown by like an unforgiving force of mythological proportions.  In many ways the perfect storm.

I look in the mirror and indeed the reflection that stares back at me shows the appearance of someone having weathered some rather extreme cold fronts.

But look a little closer.  The eyes are still on fire, the head has a million ideas running through it and this heart still wants to love, needs to love…

I was at my last session with the kinesiolgist earlier this evening.  Jae pushed me hard.

And yet, in my head, I still can’t accept that this is all I can do.

I’m remembering such a short time ago when the exercises I did this evening wouldn’t have even broken a sweat.  I’ve got some work to do.

And I told Jae that I may never get back to the level I was at before…but at least I’m alive and I can move.  Sure, it still hurts but hell, I’ve got to keep trying.

And on the same note I can’t accept what’s happening to me.

I will be competing in a speaking contest of all things.  Telling a Tall Tale.  Never saw myself doing this.  And yet, I’ve challenged myself to speak as well as I write.  To become a storyteller in every sense of the word.  To have fun, to share some expressions, to leave people I’ve shared my ideas with reason to pause and reflect.

My home is still under construction as am I.  Works in progress both of us.  Life being coy and whimsical.  At times I feel so inadequate and foolish.

I’ve worked so hard to move from such notions.  Perhaps its best to just embrace those moments when I don’t feel I fit into my life very well at all.  Reality can at times be a bitch when the dream seems so close to fruition.

Pulled back, teasingly.  ‘Work harder.’

Decisions are made.  Desperate, wanting…

Decisions are reached.  Calmly, with forethought…

And I slip into bed with a sore arm, a back tied in knots and legs cramping.  Stories are rushing through me and chase me into slumber.

And I’m working, working, working…

Trying to organize my time, trying to organize my life, trying to just live, just be.

At the gym Jae instructed me to do crunches but to have ‘fun’ with them.

“Make a gun with your hands.” he instructed showing me and placing his hands over his head.

“Now come up, pause and shoot between your legs.”

This is weird I decided.

“Think of someone you’d like to shoot, that you don’t like.” he encouraged. ” like…your husband?”

“No…”I didn’t mention I wasn’t married.  Mute point.

“I don’t like guns, Jae. And there really is no one I want to shoot…hypothetically.”

I spoiled the fun, I guess.

Still I’m in this odd space these days and like everything…I’ll learn and grow.

Peace.

 

 

The Heart of the Matter

Sunset as viewed from Burrard St. Bridge, Aug 1, 2015

I’ve been rather absent from this forum over the last few weeks, I know.  Much has been going on and at this moment I’m feeling a little overwhelmed and exhausted by all of it.

A few weeks back on a Friday evening I went for dinner and tapped out a heartfelt blog post.  I expressed all the issues that I’ve been faced with and how I was trying to deal.
Upon finishing my dinner, close to 1,000 words had been tapped out. I proofed it and then just like that…it disappeared.  I’m not certain if I hit something in error but my writings were gone.  I would later notice that the ‘move to trash’ key was right next to ‘publish’.

It wasn’t in trash either so perhaps it was moved there then later through my fumbling, was erased for good.

I took a deep breath and released an agonizing sigh.

Later in the evening I tried to reproduce what I’d penned earlier but this was unsuccessful. My heart just wasn’t in it and I was exhausted.
It is now Sunday evening and I’m just chillin’
In the morning I have to go in for day one of the nuclear test on my heart. I’ve had this test done before and for the life of me I cannot remember what was done.
Day one is 4-6 hours in length. Day 2 is about 3 hours.

I am praying that everything is okay.

The other development has been the building I live in. I had to come up with a big chunk of money for the re-piping and restoration that has been ongoing since mid-March of this year.

Once the work is done I’ve conceded that I’ll have to sell. I want to get my bills paid down and in a perfect world I’ll just have a mortgage payment and few utility bills each month.

I’m still in physio and active rehab for the back injury I sustained in the vehicle accident back in January as well. Yes, I’ve been a little stressed with everything but at the end of the day I’m grateful for the health care that is available to me and that I have a bit of wiggle room financially.

The second portion of this year will be about resolution. Problems have come up and remedies are being applied as we speak.  I’d hoped to be more proactive with the publishing company I started and promoting the book I’ve written and released.

All in good time I suppose.

Sleep has been elusive these last few weeks as well.

I have concocted a plan and need to execute it now.

Test Day No. 1 – Monday, July 27, 2015

Having fasted yesterday as per the hospitals instructions, no caffeine for 24 hours, no food for 12 hours, and no bra.  I’ve just finished the treadmill part of this.  The girls (a.k.a. boobs) thought they were flying!  I’ve had this talk with them before but hell why should I spoil their fun?  Let ’em think they’ve got wings for a few minutes.

The good doctor and medical staff wired me up and put me on the treadmill for 10 minutes. The heart rate needs to get up to 95 beats per minute then they shot me full of a radioactive dye. They continued increasing the grade and speed. If you hit the 150 beats per minute before the 10 minute mark, then they’ll stop at that point.

Happily I was on for the duration.

I’m now in the hospital cafeteria enjoying a coffee and breakfast before continuing on with the imaging portion of the test.

In March of this year when I went for my annual stress test, I experienced major back pain due to the car accident, which had occurred just seven weeks prior. I was not able to complete the treadmill test.

This heart of mine is still beating. It’s intimidating as hell having to go through these tests yet again. The last few years have been tough and I’ve fought through so much fear with all of this. I’m in a head space now where if its broke, we’ll fix it.

It is a beautiful outside on this Monday morning. Cotton puff clouds dot a pale blue summer sky. There is no wind to speak of

There is much to be done in the next few months. No wallowing allowed!

Time to get back on track and take my life back and to the next level.

I’ve got books to write and publish. I’ve got an empire to build honouring the written word.  There will be moments to capture with my camera as well.  I’ve got races to run and a world to explore. Let’s polish up this ol’ heart of mine and keep the ticker tickin’!

How do you mend a broken heart?  With love and tenderness and a stent or two.

Test Day No. 2 – Tuesday, July 28, 2015

I had to more or less repeat the fasting regiment, mind you its only been a 12 hour imposition this time out.

I’ve been injected with the radioactive dye once more. Soon everything will taste like metal and if yesterday is any indication, I’ll be a little headachy.

I had to go into work yesterday after testing as payroll needed to get done. Today I’ll just go home and rest up.

One of my co-workers suggested that I may end up with superpowers as a result of being filled up with radioactive dye.

An image of a Spiderwoman character came to mind but it was a comical one.
It certainly wasn’t a sleek looking superhero.

No. My Spiderwoman has a fear of heights and a taste for craft beer and oysters!

Could be a fun concept though.  Hmmm!

And it’s done now.  Time to go back to the drawing board and get down to the heart of the matter.

Namaste.

 

The Breaking Point

I’m breathing.  Just breathing.  Remembering that life force that is so necessary to all of us.

This week has been a tough one, just as the preceding weeks and months have been this year.

I lost sight of certain communications at the workplace or so it would seem.  I really hadn’t thought this was the case.

Yes, I’ve had some ongoing issues with attention and focus at times.  Still I’ve muscled through.

And all in all, in my mind, I’ve done a great job.

I’ve had health concerns that have weighed heavy along with a host of other matters that have made life just a little bit more challenging from day to day.

I still have some of the lingering effects from chemo.  My cognitive functions are not completely back to where they were and only time will tell if they will be fully restored.

The accident back in January of this year introduced pain and how to manage it on a daily basis.

In my mind, I could not afford to take any time off.  Perhaps this s a fatal flaw of mine.  I always put my responsibilities first.   As per usual, I’ve toughed it out.

The loss of hot water in my home for three months added yet another strain.  The emotional component has been taxing.

Then an email from our property management company regarding a ‘Special Assessment’ meeting reduced me to tears this past Friday.

The figure being tossed out, which has no explanation or back up, as to why it is so excessive for the ‘re-pipng and restoration of our building’ was shocking.

$465,000.00

My portion to be paid in three increments.  August 1, 2015 – September 1, 2015 & October 1, 2015.

Each increment:  $4226.00

For a total of $12,678.00 to be paid by October 1, 2015.

What – The – Fuck!!!!!

I pulled out the depreciation report that was done a couple of years ago.

I don’t have $13,000 tucked under the mattress.  Sorry.

The re-piping has been done.  They quoted a cost of $135,000.00.  We then received a notice that a company would be coming in to bid on the restoration part of it.

Then out of nowhere a meeting set for July 15, 2015 for this insane special assessment.

There’ve been one too many blows as of late.

The past few days I’ve been tearing up…a lot!

Saturday morning I finished my 20th physio session and I’ve begun active rehab.

I just want to get well.

I just got an appointment notice from my cardiologist.  Another 2 day nuclear test has been set up.

I just want to be healthy.

Thinking I was going to have a salary review resulted in being informed that my job performance was lacking.  How can this be?

I just want to cry.

I’m not one to complain.  I make every effort to understand and move forward.

I just want to be appreciated.

Physio John suggests another 12 sessions.  I’ve made progress but my back is still mucked up.  I concur.

I close my eyes, feeling weary.  Just breathe.

Parts of me are now missing and other parts are not quite working right. Other parts may never work completely as they once did.

But I’m alive.

I know there’s no guarantees and that I only have this moment.

Please, see my value and see my worth.  That is all I ask.

Just breathe.