Full Circle

1. Sunrise Steveston


Do we move in circles and dream in colour?

I know I do.

The past couple of years have challenged me on virtually every level.  In 2010 I took on the greatest transition of my life and that was to accept myself as whole.  It would take me up until about a month ago to realize I’d been successful in this endeavour.

I also realized it doesn’t stop there.

There is so much more depth, so much more life, so much more everything.

Then the health issues arose

The heart issues made me feel vulnerable and frail.

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The Cancer?

Well this made me feel as though I’d been invaded.  And the treatment of it made me feel ugly.  I felt as if the beautiful soul I was discovering slipped from my sight back into the abyss of my subconscious.

I began once again to have the doubts I’ve lived a lifetime with and as per usual, I hid what I was feeling and I hid it very well.

I was recovering from the brutality of the cancer treatment, running again, taking back my health when the accident occurred.

It felt like a kick…

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Last year was tough.  Really tough.  I’d released my book but found myself unable to concentrate on the game plan to market it.

The building I live in needed to be re-piped and this was costly.

The cement blocks of depression moved in once again making everything in my life feel unbearably heavy.

And fear.  Always at the edge of my ego waiting to blossom if it gets the chance.

I didn’t listen to my body insisting that it needed for me to take a break.  Unfortunately that has been a hard lesson to learn for me.

I took a week off after my heart procedure in 2011.  I took two weeks off after having a full hysterectomy (uterine cancer) 2013 and the only took the days off that I was in a chemo session.

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I took no time off after the accident.

Why?  Well that’s fear for you.  It comes in all forms.  I was afraid to slow down and deviate from all the projects and social events I was attending.  I was afraid to tell my workplace that I couldn’t concentrate.  I was terrified when I was enveloped by the ‘chemo fog’ that I would never get the recall I once had that had been instrumental to my success thus far in this life.

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Today I feel a calm I’ve not felt in a very long time.  I’m releasing the anxiety that has bound me.  What will be, will be. I’m trying to find that presence of mind and balance.  Health issues are still being determined.

But I feel good.  And I know that I’ll be okay.  I don’t know how…I just do.  I won’t fret about tomorrow or be anguished about my past.  I only have this moment.  Why should I expect anything else?






Picture This….Part Four…Hope Springs Eternal

Spring is a time of re-birth.  The trees, shrubs and plants that were skeletal during the winter months begin to produce little nubs and then there is an explosion of colour.

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Perhaps it’s a reminder of the cycle of life.  And with each renewal our trees become taller and more robust.  Their grandeur that much more majestic than the year before.

Yet in one swift moment we have the ability to destroy them.

Oh, I know, that trees suffer from disease just as we do.  And I understand the necessity of culling the forest and the need for materials to build shelters, etc.

Should we not also be the guardians of this planet?

Perhaps at some point we were and I have to wonder when it all went awry.

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These were taken in Vancouver’s West-End a couple of days ago on a walk-a-bout on my lunch hour.  

If we are the guardians on this world of ours, perhaps it is time to shift the footprint we are leaving behind.  Take off our steel-toed boots and put on our slippers or perhaps just go barefoot.

A rather abstract analogy, I know.

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Some of the local flora that is currently in bloom. 

And in this mix I need to rebuild.  The body has gone through a major trauma.  At the end of this what will make or break me is one thing.  Hope.

Never lose it.  Always aspire to it.  Be open to it.

2014-04-08 13.41.53The delicacy of life lies in the promise that it will always carry on.  We have our dark moments, our voids.  This too, is part of the cycle.  Day is always followed by night and vice versa.

May I never tire of watching the sun rise or set.  May the beauty of a cherry blossom continue to thrill.  May I continue to enjoy the movement of running, of walking of breathing. And may love and hope eternal remain nestled in this heart of mine.

I hope you’ve enjoyed a few of my photo faves.  It is amazing how much time I actually spent going through them.  Indeed, another delightful activity.

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Enjoy your day.


The Big Picture

Yesterday I watched an online video featuring Gregg Braden.  I have become a fan of his books, his music and his talks as of late.  His approach to his topics are well researched and based on a multitude of facts.  One thing I have noted with the books and conferences I have read and viewed of his, is that he makes me pause, draw back and look at the big picture.

The man began his professional career in the sciences, so he tends to approach his subject matter with the analytical mindset of separating fact from fiction and weighing these against the current status quo.  So basically he takes current findings that are based on fact and weighs them against previous scientific conclusions that were at one time, and in many cases still are, considered accurate.  Perhaps it is not surprising that much of what is still being heralded as a “deep truth” can now be shown to be erroneous.

We humans are funny though.  We don’t like to be told that which we have accepted as solid fact and undeniable truth is, in fact, incorrect.  One of the things he was discussing yesterday was Darwin’s theory on evolution.  And while Darwin certainly challenged the thinking at the time, many of his conclusions, which were made based solely on his observations at that time, can now be proven to be incorrect.  Darwin didn’t have the luxury of DNA evidence available.  He didn’t have the availability of mass communication.

So while he challenged the thinking of the day, and rightly so, his conclusions were based on rather random evidence.

Much was discussed about earth cycles and patterns.  Furthermore, what was discussed is the possibility that our ancestors may well have been trying to forward information that could be very valuable as we come to the end of a world era and enter into a new one.  Gregg encourages that we work together to assist one another as we enter this time of change.  That in my mind, is the most important aspect of all of this.  Come what may, we need to work together.

It is interesting to me as well, that we don’t like to acknowledge our forebears with possibly having a more sophisticated knowledge base than we do.  Information has been lost to us.  Of this I do know.  There have been groups that have formed throughout history with their sole purpose to destroy the information they find offensive or repugnant.

One of the statements I liked yesterday was that we could spend our entire life experiencing an earth change and not even be aware of it.  Change is not always quick and to the point.  It can be a very long and drawn out affair.

I like having information presented to me in a manner that I might review later for myself should I choose to be skeptical.  I like having everything put on the table then looking at it from every angle.  I like removing myself and standing at a distance while I ponder it purpose.

Should you have the opportunity to view some of this man’s work, I would encourage you to do so.

Enjoy this day.

The Restless Heart

I keep telling myself to slow down, enjoy and appreciate the journey.  But I gotta tell you this last month I have felt like I want to run in ten different directions at the same time.  My energy fluctuations have been crazy.  My sleep pattern, which is usually very consistent, has been somewhat elusive.  I feel this shift is about / or is happening and on what level I am not too sure.  I know that we are all being influenced by the alignment of the planets in our solar system and the energy they parlay as well as the additional activity of the Sun.  We also had a partial eclipse of the Moon and a few days after that the Transit of Venus occurred.  There are some fascinating events that are taking place astrologically this year and we are all feeling the effects, of this I have no doubt.

Perhaps I am just riding this wave that has currently hit me and preparing or trying to ready myself for the path that is opening up.  I know too, I have had old habits resurface over the last few months and I have been dealing with that as well.

It always amazes me that even though we know something isn’t good for us, we will do it anyway.  I have a propensity for what I call self-sabotage.  What that means is I will make huge strides in gaining let’s say personal healing, then an old behaviour will emerge and I will revert back to my old way of thinking and perhaps self-medicate a bit too much, or indulge in foods that are not healthy a bit too much.  You get the idea.  These behaviour patterns are designed to make us feel bad about ourselves.  To better illustrate what I am talking about is lets say I have lost 50 lbs.  I just need to lose another 20lbs to get to my goal weight.  I have a night where I drink too much and junk out on pizza.  The next day I tear myself apart for this.  I beat up on self and so starts the cycle of self-recrimination because now I will start to get back into the thing of eating poorly to support this belief that I am just hopeless and that I will never learn, and never be good enough. There also tends to be the focus on losing the additional 20lbs. rather than congratulating self on the accomplishments to date.  We all know what happens, more weight is gained and the cycle begins again.

What I try to do now if I have a night like that,  is just accept that I had a night like that. It’s okay to do this once in a while.  It doesn’t make me a bad person.  It doesn’t make me weak.  I find though these days with all the behaviours that are surfacing and I am dealing with them systematically or at least trying to, yet I am still left feeling almost empty at times.

I was at my monthly group meditation last night and really just tried to focus on quieting the mind, finding some resolve.  There was some fabulous energy in the room last night as well as a lot of restless energy just like mine.   There was a heaviness at times. I walked away knowing that I am not alone in feeling this.  I think that is what I have really come to love about this group meditation.  I am treating it almost like a monthly tune-up to see where I am at energetically.  I do meditations at home as well, but I am rather new to this so being able to share in this has been absolutely stellar.

And so this restless heart will carry on and not listen to the echos from the past.  I am cutting out a new path now and while I am excited about this, there is that doubt that tries to seep into consciousness.  I just have to keep releasing it when it does slip in.

It’s Friday.  the Sun is shining, though I am told rain will make an appearance.  That’s okay.  Rain nourishes and sustains us.  Perhaps I should find me a good ol’ puddle to play in.

Enjoy your day everyone.  Blessings.

Let the Playoffs Begin!

I was at the good ol’ hockey game last night.  The Canucks, for the second year in a row, won the President’s Trophy.  If you are not familiar with the National Hockey League…the President’s Trophy is awarded to the team that is best in the league.  Last night was the end of the regular season.  Next week the fun stuff starts.  The run for the Stanley Cup begins.  Oh,  but I hope we can do it this year.  It does a total number on your nerves and for two months your life is consumed with hockey.  The Playoffs are intense.  Hockey will rule the airwaves here in Canada for the next few months.  And Canadians love their hockey.

It starts with 16 teams out of 30 that make it into the Playoffs.  After round one that is reduced to 8 teams, after round two, 4 and if we make it to the finals then the last two teams battle it out for the Cup. 

This is the only sport that I really get into in terms of the spectator aspect.  It is also one of the most difficult games to play.  It is multitasking personified.  The player must know how to skate very well, stick handle, know how to fall, how to hit, how to pass the puck.  Also, as a team they must be aware of where the other players are on the ice and assume and take over certain roles with the changes in position on the ice and this occurs constantly throughout the game. 

It is the most physically challenging of all the team sports that are out there as well. 

I will likely not watch every single game.  If I did then nothing in my life would get done for the next two months.  I would simply be working, eating, sleeping and watching hockey.  I will check in continually and watch parts of the games.  That was what I did last year…and then when we were in the finals I really made a concerted effort to watch the duration of each game. 

That final game last year was a heartbreaker.  Our boys just didn’t have it in them to push one last time.  They were beaten and sore and had been pounded by a team that was physically more superior.  And that’s the thing of it….you get down to Game 7 of the finals.  The exhaustion was there, the pain they were feeling was there.  It is hard to watch your team trying to dig a little deeper to manifest the will to win just one more game and not be able to find it.  How do you lose gracefully?  They did, however, and the Cup went to the team that deserved to win. 

It is a sport after all.  That is what we must remember at the end of the day.  It is just sport.  As heartbreaking as it is to watch your teams’ dream slip away for yet another year of hoisting the holiest of prizes above their heads, life goes on and we break for the summer and start again in the autumn as the leaves begin to fall. 

Cycles.  We are ruled by them to some degree.  The seasons, day to night, our work week, our weekend, our tears, our laughter. 

So to the boys who will be going after the Cup yet again, I wish you the very best in your pursuit this year.  May success be yours.  I, along with every other Canuck fan will be cheering you on.  We will share in your pain and your glory.  We will always support your efforts regardless of the outcome. 

I know that you will all go out there and play your hearts out.  You did that last year and I have no doubt that you will do it again. 

I hope that this year it will be your time to shine and that you will know the full pleasure of being best in the league. 

Go Canucks Go!