I Do Know This….

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Cherry Blossoms over by Queen’s Park 

Over the past couple of days I’ve been very much in my head playing with plots and sub-plots for several of the projects that I have on the go.

They are in various stages of development.  Lately, however, I’ve found myself consumed by the aspect and the very idea regarding time.

A blog post that I’ve been working on recently and that I hope to post over the next couple of days speaks to the whole concept of time and where it may have had its beginnings and our interpretation of it.

I must say that this topic has intrigued me on a very deep level.

Last week I was flipping channels on the TV.  I came upon a documentary of a woman whose work involves trying to decode early forms of written communications.

The evidence is strewn throughout caves worldwide.  The similarities that exist cannot be coincidental.

What their meaning is, now that’s the puzzle currently being explored and may well be the mystery that is never solved.

A few conversations have been sparked this week regarding what part of history we’d like to visit, spy on or observe.  I found myself asking why my conversational combatants (i.e. friends) would like to experience those particular moments in time.


I love getting into conversations with this depth as it ignites something in me.

For me personally, I would go back to the moment that humankind had its ‘Ah Ha!” moment.

Something happened some 40,000 years ago and that is where I’d like to be a fly on the wall or in a cave.

A friend laughed and commented that they didn’t like the idea because it would be too difficult to live in the days of the caveman.  Too much work and being dragged about held little appeal.

I smiled insisting they just may like it, then stated that I didn’t want to stay permanently…I just wanted to take a peek at what caused humans to begin to develop the art forms and rudimentary written symbols all within the same time frame on a global front.

Last weekend I found myself researching the whole notion of time.  Time vs. religion, time vs. creation, and for that matter, how time has been measured.  Right or wrong.

One article written by a member of the clergy discussed the time frame around God’s creation of Heaven and Earth and when we made an appearance.

Interestingly enough his take on it was that God didn’t whip the world up with all the animals and people on it in just six days then took a break on the seventh.  His reasoning was that the span of time it took had been misinterpreted.

He felt biblical time was likely more in keeping with 40,000 years.

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This intrigued me.

Now I’m not a religious person.  In fact, I find many religions to be very confining.  Being taught an ideology that does not invite exploration and free thought and where the truths being delivered are expected to be accepted based on blind faith alone is a little frightening actually.

I do know this.  There is an energy that permeates this universe and it is a beautiful thing to tap into this awareness, this consciousness that exists.

My issue is not with the message but rather with the messenger.

Now do you think it possible that maybe, just maybe something has been lost or perhaps omitted in translation?

Humans are by nature and design a rather impressionable lot, are we not?

We can be deviant and downright treacherous.  We are curious beings that are equally gullible and malleable.

Then there is this issue of power.  There are those who hunger for it even when they aren’t sure of what it is exactly.

Don’t you think it entirely possible that an omnipresent entity offered, imposed or bestowed a wisdom upon us and those blessed with this knowledge might well have deviated from sharing all of this to satisfy and/or further their own station in life?


Why is it collectively we cannot come together to, oh let’s say, end world hunger?  I’ve heard it said that there is enough food to feed the masses and that is all of us ten times over on a daily basis.

Why are we not assisting each other when it comes to illness?  Think of the recent Ebola outbreak.  Man, the minute it landed in North America…by God, they found a cure.

What about AIDS?

Why are we still fighting for girls to gain an education?

Why are we still fighting for sexual rights and freedoms?

Why do we still judge and condemn?

Peace 1

Every Christmas, while we all have the warm fuzzies, we wish for world peace.

This notion sells a lot of greeting cards, doesn’t it?

These are just a few things that in my mind I’m often amazed still exist on such a large scale.

Still, we wish for it.  Why?

We’ve known its opposite for far too long.

You cannot know or appreciate peace without having suffered the loss and sorrow caused by the upheaval of war.

Much the same with happiness.  If you’ve known the sadness, and most of us have, then we appreciate those moments of bliss all the more.

And we are so good at killing, are we not?

Images of men wearing black balaclavas’ with guns and machetes don’t strike me as a Godly men.

Oddly or perhaps not, the majority of ‘Gods’ at the helm of our religions worldwide dictate that certain behaviours and actions are unacceptable.

Killing happens to be one of them.  So, I will suggest that perhaps we’re not getting this whole commandment thing right.


And as I processed and developed my various characters and plot lines for those books that will soon be enjoyed by the masses, I thought of death and its finality.  At least on this plain and our fear of it. I created a new line of friction and the sorrow and pain my heroine will experience leading her to experience a great deal of anxiety regarding the choices she’ll have to make.

And on that note…

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I was here

Welcome to the human race.

Enjoy your day.  Namaste.






50 Shades of….Orange?


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Secret Garden

The marathon painting session left me rather delirious.  Each coat of burnt orange applied to the chocolate wall seemed to simply melt into it.  So began the test of wills.  I would defeat this wall!  Conquer it completely.  It would become my firewall.

The colour, when first applied, appeared to be pumpkin.

Fear ran through me.  What if I’d made a mistake with my choice of colour?  What if, upon completion, it looked so horrible that I ran screaming from the room tearing the newly grown hair from my head?

I smiled at the dramatic scenario’s I was entertaining as I pondered all the written works that would be produced from my orange room.

I like tasks such as painting a room. For me there is always a reason for the transformation and the colour of choice that reaches out to me.  I also like that it’s my energy that is going into the transformation.

Mind you some seven hours to paint one room had the imagination becoming quite derelict.  I stopped for yet another bathroom break near the end of this lunacy.  Food had been consumed sporadically.  Yogurt, apple, grapes, crackers….

Just the basic sustenance.

Local pics July 2014 023My secret garden

A great deal of water had been consumed. On this hot summer day the temperature rose to about 30 degree Celsius.  Luckily, I face north and have the benefit of my secret garden that provides major cooling to my unit.  Still, the sight that greeted me in the bathroom mirror made me chuckle.

I was a complete puddle covered in fifty shades of orange. It was on my face, in my hair, paint was everywhere.

And oh, the decadent thoughts that sprang to mind that would in fact parody the unmentionable ‘grey’ version of said title.

Oh my!

This is not an X-rated blog though.  So I will keep it clean.

Still, the thought that sprang to mind was of our heroine showing up not to interview the mysterious Mr. Grey but paint his rooms….orange.

“What shade of orange do you prefer, Mr. Grey?” she asks him provocatively.

He smiles seductively at her. “I like it burnt, baby.  I like it so hot, it scorches.”

Oh my!

She pulls out a swatch or two and slaps them dramatically on the wall.  (This action was of course dictated by her inner Goddess).

“Are these hot enough for you, Mr. Grey?” she inquires enticingly.

He zeros in on a shade…it’s called Cinnamon Spice.

“I used to know a stripper by that name.” he reminisces fondly.  “Come, I’ll show you the room to be painted.”

Our heroine follows him down the hall and he leads her into a chamber designed for sexual play.

Glancing about she takes note of the additional work it will require to remove all the pullies, chains and the like from the walls

“I’ll have to charge you double, if not more, Mr. Grey.”  she advises him.

“I’m a rich man.  I’ll draw up the contract and do take as much time as you need.” he assures her.

They smile at one another.

Oh my!

Yes, I made the mistake a couple of years ago in reading this book.  It became quite a contentious issue with my writing group.  We would find ourselves yelling at each other over how poorly it was written.  why we yelled at each other, we don’t know. Finally we banished it from all future conversations.

If we did refer to it  at all, it was ‘the book that we were not supposed to talk about’.

So this is the first bit of written work produced from the orange room.  I am having giggle or two.

Interestingly enough I found a pamphlet tucked away yesterday regarding colour energy.

Orange is the spleen chakra that connects us to our emotional self.  It inspires happiness, confidence and resourcefulness.  The energy infused brings joy to the work day and strengthens our appreciation for life.  The colour orange also helps us remove our inhibitions.

Oh My!

All parody and playfulness aside, I love the result.

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Equine publishing in it’s infancy

Interestingly enough I did my bedroom in a sage green.  Green is the heart chakra and this relax muscles, nerves and thoughts.  Local pics July 2014 046Little Grass Horses

As I look around this room now I am envisioning some of the photographs that I’ve taken that I plan to mount.  I’ve a few visuals I still need to find but this is now the home of Equine Publishing.

The dream is transforming into life.  Stay tuned.






The Surreal Mind

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Fertile.  Abstract.  Immense. Changing…always.

We are bound by constants.  Everything that we seemingly are or appear to be can be explained in some fashion or another.  Our DNA dictates our physicality but what else does it dictate?  Our soul?

We are each so similar and yet world’s apart at times.

The magic lies in the egg itself.  Each one containing a different set of variables for each and every one of us.  Ever wonder why we don’t all look the same such as our primate cousins, the erstwhile chimpanzee?

We’ve been chasing the answer to these questions from the womb.

Then we come to the mind.  It is surreal to me.  What thought is born when the neurons are ignited exciting the senses is never repeated in another individual.  Furthermore, seldom do we ever experience the same thought in a precise manner.

Even as I write this, words fight for dominance.  Ideas push forward wanting recognition as I’m  hoping the scrap of paper beholden to this task is big enough.

I think of the surreal mind as thought without borders.  Regardless of how dark, twisted or light and breezy the content, it is given credence.


I am a fan of Surreal Art forms.  I have found myself many times at the Vancouver Art Gallery getting lost in fucked up images that send my imagination into overdrive.  I want to expel the build up that explodes in my head.  Images are stirred to counter the ones I am viewing.

Stories erupt with the images and quickly fade.  All of it is organic and based solely on the visual smorgasbord that I am feasting on.

At times the experience can border on orgasm…it is that rich for me.

I am jealous that there are those who are gifted enough to give their thought visual articulation.  I am equally in awe and appreciation to them for letting us see what’s in their mind’s eye.


I am reduced to using words to paint with.  It will have to suffice.

Always we look for an explanation as to why we are the way we are.  While generalities exist for most conditions to stimuli, no two people will ever react exactly the same.

Be it a horrific experience or a very pleasant one inevitably there will be subtle differences in how each of us responds.

Why does someone who lives a healthy lifestyle end up dying of cancer at the age of 50 when another who has smoked and drank their entire life, lives to be 90 years of age?

The variables are astronomical.

And here I am on a magnificent day in Vancouver feeling the energy that envelopes me and God, I feel so high right now.  Why then don’t I feel this always?  Today it’s have if every molecule of my being is being re-born.

What is passing through this head of mine, well, I can’t keep up with the thoughts and images that are racing through me.

I am feeling more alive at this moment than I have in months.  Trying to absorb all that surrounds, trying to feel all that is, wanting, wanting wanting.  But what, I cannot say.

Awakening the passions, the desire, the lust, the brevity of emotions that feel so full to bursting right now.

The mind cascading with so many abstract and random ideas.  I’m trying to hang on to them but they are quickly replaced by another.

I close my eyes and feel the sun play against the lids.  There is so much beauty surrounding me in this moment.  I am overwhelmed.  All I can do is remain open to this energy that is flooding me.

The surreal mind.  I just want to let everything that I am feeling at this moment run amok.  Spellbound, star struck, memorized, bedazzled….

I am all those.  And I will hang onto this moment with my typical tenacity.  Eventually I’ll have to let it go.  Not just yet.

It’s never too late.  Never give up.  Fight for it. Live it. Breathe it.

And if you feel that you’re living in a cardboard world just find the spark, the flame, the passion.  Run with it.  If this is your truth, your love, your path…you’ll know it.


Mine is there before me.  Time to turn what’s in my head into life.


Swimming Upstream

In the face of adversity, lay back and drift on down the river.  That is what I would like to do, however, the problem with this theory is that eventually you could hit rapids which are extremely troubled waters indeed!

I feel like I’ve been swimming upstream for a very long time and I just decided to jump up in the air to see how far I’ve gotten. It looked eerily familiar to the last time I jumped out of the water.

It has been a tough week.  Let’s leave it at that.

A head cold sidelined me for the majority of the week.

Radiation begins next week.  Once I am through this treatment then I can truly get on with my life.  At the moment I feel restrained.

Then I read a letter that Burton Cummings of band The Guess Who wrote and published.  In it he talks about all the negative issues that are happening world wide.  He talks about his mother’s passing and laying her to rest and perhaps looking at his own mortality.

It had an impact and I replied. Whether he will see the response or not, I can’t say.  I hope so.  Below is my response.


With everything that is going on these days it is easy to feel overwhelmed, defeated.  

Yet I’ve caught glimpses of the beauty of the human spirit, of my true self and that is what drives me forward.  

Earlier this year I was diagnosed with Cancer and I have undergone surgery and am now finishing up treatment.  

I have fared exceptionally well.  What I am taking from this experience is the urgency to live my life to its fullest potential.  

I am letting go of ego and inviting love in.  I am sending prayers out to the universe daily with the hope that this little filament of energy will join others and move to shift this world of ours to better place.  

These are little things, I know.  I blog about the need to change how we do business and challenge everyone to re-think profit.  

It starts with each of us.  

I am delighted that you are still singing, Burton.  Music is a balm to so many.  The reason you are so good at what you do is your passion for it.  

You have never lost your love for it, in fact, it has likely increased.  

Hope your solo shows are a fabulous and an intimate  connection for you.  

Change can happen and will.  It won’t be easy to adjust how we function in this world, but it is possible.  And this, I will always believe.



And you know, I’m glad I happened upon his letter.  It helped to lift me up and shake some of the agitation and irritability I have been experiencing off.  So I will get on with this and continue to plan and move forward.

At lunch today I commented on how tired I was wearing this wig.  Plaintively I whined with the eloquence of a spoiled child…”It’s itchy, its hot, it always looks the same!”  One of my co-workers smiled and said, “Then take it off.”

Again, a rather insightful moment and as my other co-worker pointed out.  “You are entitled to have a rant or two.”

Indeed.  Most of our conversation was in jest as well.  I am not one to bitch about my lot in life.  And things are getting better and will continue to do so.

I have been quiet this week…but then I don’t want the heaviness I feel at times to weigh on anyone reading my posts.

And with that…I hope you all have a fabulous Friday and a great weekend.


A Prayer

I am not a religious person. And by this, my meaning is simple.  While I am a spiritual being, I do not attend a church.   I did, for a few years, attempt to follow organized theology through the teachings offered through church.  For me I found it to be a lesson in deceit, guilt and shame.

There were conditions it seemed to being afforded God’s love, blind faith being one of them.  This is not something I was ever successful in attaining.

When I walked away from the two churches that I was involved with I felt cheated.  Both ministers at each respective church would be caught out exercising not only morally and ethically corrupt behavior but criminal as well.

I have no doubt that there are many ministers out there who are exemplary in what they teach and how they conduct themselves.  And I don’t know if I just ran into a string of unfortunate events.  In any case, I walked away from that experience with a bad taste in my mouth.

Even as a child going to Sunday school it was often reinforced of just how unworthy I was.  Now this was not a deliberate slight but simply my interpretation of certain messages that were quite impressionable at that time.

For a long while the mention of prayer stirred up some undesirable emotions and I found myself equating prayer with religion.

A few years ago I was asked the question “Do you pray?”

My immediate response was “No.  I am not a religious person…though I am spiritual.”

Then just as quickly as I had rejected the notion of prayer I tossed in that I said prayers for family members and friends…but I didn’t really say a prayer for my well-being.  It was a curious reaction and one that confounded me for a time.

I began to open myself to meditation around that time and oddly enough the correlation between the two became very apparent.  An awareness was growing regarding my energy body and how it is affected by everything else on this planet.  Building on that I had experiences where energy forces, life forces, spirit, God…whatever you want to call it…began to rush through me at times.

And this occurred when I was just so tuned in, though I don’t quite know how I came to be in such a state.  Still the impression made was extraordinary.  An understanding of sorts began.  I really started to develop an idea of this unique power that moves through all of us.

Prayer,  I have come to understand, is simply a form of energy.  It’s power can be quite remarkable.  Much in the same way of what meditation does.  They are, in essence, the same coin only opposite ends.  Prayer to me is the projection of energy outward.  Meditation is the projection of energy inward.

Driving through a dark and stormy morning on my way to the gym, I had thoughts of the change in season.  In the week since the autumn equinox occurred the weather here on the West coast made an abrupt change.  The rains began and the we’ve had a couple of howlers now.  It has become quite chilly as well.

As I stretched out my legs at the end of my workout I gazed out at an iron-gray sky that was so menacing in appearance that I just had to smile.  Wayne, one of the trainers at the gym, came up alongside me.

“I just want you know that I am praying everyday for you, Nancy.  If you need anything, just let me know.”

I felt truly blessed in that moment.  Wayne does attend church.  He is a physiotherapist as well as a fitness trainer and he is a very good, very genuine person.  Over the years he has offered me tips to add to my workouts.  And if I am an example of how to manage chemotherapy effectively with minimal effects then I am more than willing to share the information.

All of us react differently to various illness’ and their treatments but I do believe attitude will plays a big role.  And I pray pretty much everyday as well.  I put it out to the universe to bless all of us with a peaceful and harmonious existence.  I don’t know that its possible being the strange animals that we are, but one can only hope.

In any case, I will continue in this vein.  Have a fabulous day.

Who am I and why am I here?

Ah yes, that age-old question that we all seek to answer during the course of our lifetime.  This morning I was considering some of my annoying habits.  There are a few that just seem to have ingrained themselves into my being.  The first correlates directly with the above statement.

I have this incessant need to explain everything.  This manic requirement to justify why I feel a certain way, why I said a certain thing, why words that are totally inappropriate slip from my lips, why I laugh when I think I should cry.

And yes, I ask myself who I am and what my purpose is from time to time, though I really try to steer clear of it.  It feels like a question on a test, doesn’t it?  Should there be multiple choices for the answer?  No, this one is an essay answer.  And I guess there really is no definitive response now is there?

I change and shift all the time according to the world around me and what influences my line of thought.  Am I the same person I was a week ago?  Actually, I am.

What I am finding is that at the core of my being I have always been the same.  What has changed and continues to do so is how I respond to the world around me.  We are at an early age molded into the expectations of our society at that time.  When I went to school young girls were not expected to do exceptionally well.  As long as you received a passing grade this was more than acceptable.  I was being groomed to be a good girl and find a man. I was to get married, manage a household and look good all the while.

Being the rebel that I am, I failed miserably and did not live up to these expectations at all.  Indeed, I slept around, never married, had a child out-of-wedlock and gained a horrendous amount of weight and looked just awful and felt worse.  It took me some twenty years or more to figure out how to operate a household budget to boot.

I didn’t set out to be a non-conformist…I just happened to be a run-a-way train that was continually derailing it seemed.

And society continues to make its demands on what it expects from those that want to move through it successfully.  And I have to wonder who makes this shit up?

I am, by nature, very simple.  At birth, I was a point of light, a being enraptured by the beauty and expanse of this endless universe.  Curious and playful with a deep love of all that surrounds me.  And that is me in a nutshell really.

That sense of self was buried for a long time in anger and fear.  Perhaps that’s part of the experience in the human equation. I think about trends.  We are told how to look, what to eat in order to look like that, how to dress.  Books line the stores telling us how to have it all.  Books on the ‘Laws of Attraction’ have become huge.  Follow these simple examples and you too, will have all the riches you’ve ever dreamed of!  I often wonder why they always push the material wealth as a selling point.

Ever wonder why we aren’t all mulch-millionaires by now?

Like many of you I read some of these books.  I did so more out of curiosity than anything else.  I am not a particularly material person to begin with so extreme wealth really has no personal interest to me.  What I found with these books was that they often parroted each other.

It sounds simple enough.  What you put out to the universe will be returned.  Not an easy thing to do though.  Once you start to look at the strings of energy that bind all of us, of the how they vibrate and how they affect each of us not just individually but collectively as well, then the complexities of the theory increase exponentially.  And are you seeking your signature in all this or chasing an idea that has been fed to you?  Hence the question, ‘Who am I?’

Perhaps that’s the key to all of this but I do know it’s not that simple.  I have listened to tapes that encourage repeated use so that you’ll have the messages hardwired.  Several years ago there was a program called ‘In Pursuit of Happiness or Perfection’….not sure which.  A woman I worked with paid $500 to attend this program.

She changed radically, after that week-long program and not in a good way.  One of the things the program encouraged was to surround herself with the people she wanted to be like.  It became very apparent that I was not one of those people.  Conversations that had once been enjoyable began to have a more obligatory feel on her end until I just didn’t bother engaging in the relationship at all.

I don’t know what happened with her.  I know she divorced and from there I can’t say.

I guess I looked at it this way.  I have to like who I am first and foremost and that’s what I have worked on.  As for why I am here?  Why for the journey, of course.  To watch the magic of each day unfold and be a part of it.

As for my annoying habits…and there are a few, I am working on them.

Enjoy your day and thanks again for stopping by.




And there I was at the finish line but really I was at the beginning…

I have been reflective as of late thinking about all that I have managed to do in a relatively short period of time.  Despite the health issues that have come up, despite the emotional house cleaning that was necessary (and man, was my emotional closet ever a mess!), I have really toughed it out and pushed through.

When I started this blog no one had ever really read any of my writings before.  I had been expressing myself via the pen for the majority of my life.  This had been my voice for a very long time.  What I could not say verbally could be found bleeding onto the page.

I started this blog the day after having heart surgery.  Those of you who have been with me close to two years now may recall that I spoke of this in the beginning.

Yesterday I read back a few of my posts.  They are interesting as they capture my mindset at a particular moment in time.  Somehow I navigated into some more emotional revelations and then into this whole cancer thing.  As I have said early this week, I feel as though my life is righting itself and yet, as chemotherapy looms around the corner, I wonder how long this sense will remain.  I hope it sticks around for a bit.  Think I am going to need it.

I went back to my first post today.  A hopeful woman was sitting on her sofa that day tapping out her imaginings. Here is the opening statement from that post.

‘What I hope to share with everyone who decides to share in this experience with me is the sense of renewal and the excitement of the road ahead.  And I have no idea what that looks like but the idea of it is exhilarating none the less. 

The Power of One…that connection…how many people do you come into contact on any given day?  What energy are you parlaying to them?  Are you reaching out for that endearing sense of human contact or are you drawing back from it?  It is amazing if you stop and think how many people you actually interact with on any given day and even more exciting is what you can perhaps share with them. 

Think about it.  We will never be in the exact same place at the exact same time in the course of this world turning ever again.  This moment will never come again. There will always be variables that have shifted even if you were standing in the exact same place 24 hours later the energy and the light source coming to us will have shifted. And while we are hurtling through space at 600 miles per hour on this planet that is wobbling its way around the sun, we have this source of energy that just permeates our very being…ours to accept or reject.  We are never still, though we feel we are and there is never true silence in terms of the definition we have provided. Also, we are never alone.

Very recently I have begun to discover this energy and for me it is magic. I will provide a definition shortly but I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself, not just yet.  Right now I am feeling quite giddy and excited and wanting to share all of this….I want to reach out and connect with everyone and everything…and this seems as likely a place to start as any.’

There you have it.  It was at this time that I was accepting myself as a writer and not just someone who loved to write.  The book that was I was just beginning to piece together is now complete soon to be published.

I have run several more races since this blog started including a 1/2 Marathon.  I have continued to reconcile my past leaving the pain of it where it belongs but taking the lessons learned and allowing them to feed and nurture the soul.

I have put posts up that have been extremely emotional.  In all this time I have only removed one as I felt it was far too vulnerable and raw.  Those that subscribe to my blog would have received it.  Perhaps that was a time when I was having a hiccup in terms of behaviour and allowing emotional reflexes to throw me off.

I continue to try to make sense of things that are at times completely irrational.  Perhaps I should just let them be.  And I continue to grow and evolve.  I work to be a kinder and gentler being each day.  I work to be guided by my heart and not my head.

And regardless of the ailments and illnesses that I have been afflicted with I continue to work through them.  And yes, there are times when being the ‘strong’ individual I am is less than appealing.  I would like to have someone who could at times take this burden, even if it is for just a little while, from me.  Just let me cry it out, you know?

It is never a question of saying that it’s ‘not fair’.  Life doesn’t work that way.  Just gotta roll with it.  You’ve all heard it.  If life gives you lemons, best you learn how to make damn good lemonade.

I went back to the beginning to see if I am still on track with the original idea of this blog.  Yes, I am.  The idea was to share in my journey and I have done that.

And this is where I am with just a few days before the next assault on my body begins.  I have reconciled the need and prepared to meet the effects.  Have a great weekend everyone and thanks again for checking in from time to time.


A Tragic Ending?

I had an active weekend.  I have been squeezing several social functions in prior to beginning chemo as I’m not certain at this point how I will feel during the process. There are so many people I really want to see and get caught up with and so I have had social engagements which began on Friday after work and carried right through to Sunday afternoon.

Next weekend will be much the same.  And I am quite enjoying all of this.

I also went on the hunt for the perfect wig and I may just have found it and managed to get a Yoga session in as well and it felt fabulous.

My energy levels are increasing daily.  Two minor scars on either side of my belly button exist and will likely fade over time.

Yesterday I met with a couple of women I went to school with and we enjoyed a long afternoon lunch catching up with each other.  A photo of a woman that we went to school with has appeared on Facebook.  She is currently missing as of July 22, 2013. Julie relayed a few details that she knew regarding her disappearance.

Kathleen had been married last year for just five weeks when her husband apparently hung himself.  The fear is she never recovered from the shock and that now a year later she may well have gone down that path as well.

I truly hope not.

I know what it’s like to be locked in dark despair.  I know from personal experience how if feels to be in constant pain.  Not the type of pain from an injury either.  No, it is the pain of a wounded soul.  It is a heart that is so completely shattered. It feels as if everything that you ever were is just bleeding out of you until there is nothing.  Just and empty darkness, a void where you feel absolute nothing but a relentless agony that begs to be silenced.

Fortunately for me the times I made the attempt to end it all, and there were a few, I managed to hit the ‘off’ switch.  And yes, I remember well the emotional pain that pushed me to the edge.  And so I can only pray that Kathleen has somehow managed to hit the ‘off’ switch as well and has not succumbed to a tragic end.

I found my way out of there.  I discovered a beauty in forgiveness that was such a gentle balm. I let it in, allowing it to ease me from a parched wasteland into a vibrant and lush energy that began to fill and consume me.  Then I began to heal.  With each new day a love of this world that I inhabit increases.  Hope rains down in abundance infusing me with a love so deep.

If Kathleen is out there I send her all my love and prayers that she will find her way from this unconscionable pain that has consumed her.

In the book that I am preparing for publication, I do talk of these things.  One of the reasons why I wrote the book was to perhaps reach out to those who find themselves in such a quandary.  Knowing that you are not alone in how you feel can help you to reconnect because I know I felt so detached and isolated.

How do you tell someone you hurt all the time and you don’t know why?  The frightening memories that I had suppressed from my conscious self resided in the dark recesses of the soul fighting to get out.  The more I pushed them down the further I began sink as well.

Reconciling the past and then leaving it where it belongs can be a difficult thing.  I read not too long ago that you can not appreciate the light without being in the darkness.  You cannot appreciate being happy without knowing sadness.  It is true.

Today I feel a sadness for a woman I have not seen likely in forty years.  What I have learned recently though is how our energy touches each other and helps to shape each of us.  I would not be the person I am today without the experiences I gone through.

And I love the person I am becoming. Yes, I am still stumbling along but you know I’ve seen the core of who I am.  I’ve had that moment when, in all my vulnerability, I have seen the simply beauty of my spirit.

No, I am not there all the time.  In fact, it’s really tough to get there, to be in that state of being that knows no want, no need…where the soul is content to just be. Always the challenge of this world and the energy and stimuli that surrounds us all impacts me, but just knowing what resides in my person will always be enough to keep me pushing forward and shedding this ego that still haunts me.

To all of those souls that are hurting, I pray that you will know the simple beauty of watching the sun rise or watching the rain; that you will know the power of forgiveness and the pure energy of love.  Be open to it and it will come.

And to Kathleen…please be well.




The Stuff We’re Made Of

I went for dinner last evening with some old friends from school.  It was a pleasure to get caught up.

A discussion evolved regarding DNA and memory.  My friend was discussing a conference that she had attended.  One of the topics was the notion that DNA has memory stored in it.  The theory is this; the memories that your grandparents and parents acquired in their lifetime is passed along to you just as their parents DNA memory is passed along to them.  Memory is stored at a cellular level and therefore embedded in your chromosomes.

Considering that we are beings of energy this idea really has merit.  At least, for me it does.  Often I have wondered at why certain behaviours erupt that are so out of sync with who I am.  And it’s trying to understand what triggers such behaviours as well.  I am fascinated with the brain.

Just from my own lifetime and the traumas that have occurred and how I chose to deal with certain issues at various times in my life deserves a second or third look.  I can learn a great deal from observing my responses at certain points and where I was at in terms of my mental well-being.

Have you ever  met someone who seemed to have everything?  Good family, great education, great friends, a fabulous job.  Yet, they struggle with depression or some other foible.  I have heard it said when someone takes their life.  Those they leave behind ‘can’t understand it.  He/She had everything.  They seemed so happy.’

I have also met people who live difficult and challenging lives and yet they manage to go through tough times with such grace and humility that its enviable.

As I considered this I thought of all the traumatic events that have encompassed this world in very recent history.  Both my grandfathers were in World War l, my father was in World War ll.  They lived through the Great Depression as well.  And that doesn’t begin to cover the wealth of memories that were stored at a cellular level over the years in their energy bodies.

Then I have the traumas and memories that I have created in my lifetime.  Were they influenced by the DNA that provided life to me?  Something to think about, yes?

The thing of it is you can change these behavioural patterns that may well have been incurred at the moment of conception.  I have certainly changed my life in a big way and continue to do so.

It begins with awareness.  We are so much more than physical mass.  Our energy body expands upward of some 20 to 25 feet around us.  We are continually bombarded with a variety of stimuli.  Individually we make our choice of how we will respond to it.
For example, you walk into a room.  You’re feeling fabulous and you’ve been having a great day.  Everyone in the room, however, has just been told some very bad news and they are feeling collectively depressed.  You will likely, without even knowing what the bad news is, begin to feel your own mood shift.  The same is true if should you reverse this ideology.

I was thinking about the Winter Olympics that came here in 2010. On the first Saturday evening my friend and I came downtown to enjoy the revelry.  We had dinner at the Elephant & Castle and the first silver medal was won by Jennifer Heil for Canada.  The entire place spontaneously broke out in singing our national anthem.  The energy was electric.  After dinner we walked to the Olympic Torch and then on to Robson Square.  We arrived just in time for the Laser & Fireworks display having no prior knowledge that this was scheduled to occur and repeated nightly during the course of the Olympics.

And the love and good will that was born that night remained throughout the course of the event.  Indeed, I made it a point to walk over to Robson Square at every opportunity.  Hugs were a normal offering to anyone who so chose to offer and anyone who chose to accept.  It was a beautiful thing.

And that was positive energy on a huge collective scale.

We were discussing this on the drive in this morning.  Vancouver has several events that draw enormous crowds with no problems.  The Celebration of Light (i.e. Fireworks) which just finished up draws crowds typically of 300,000 to 400,000 people per night.  This year they had record crowds.

There are never any major issues.  Police deal with people having too much to drink.  They pour out alcohol and there are a handful of arrests typically for misdemeanors. Still for close to 20 years now they’ve carried on the last week of July into the first week of August without a hitch.

When the Stanley Cup riot occurred in 2011, for the lead up to the Game 7, crowds had been assembling to the tune of 150,000 or so in the downtown core.  Big screen TV’s were erected outside and there were no problems whatsoever.  On the last day, however, I have heard it said time and again that as early as noon on Game 7 day the energy was different downtown.  There was an ‘aggressive’ energy…the mood was far different from previous gatherings. It held a certain menace to it.

We have proven time and again that we can come together in large numbers and enjoy ourselves.  What changed?

Game 7 was a high anxiety day and there were a number of individuals whose intention was solely to create problems.  Why, I don’t know, but they did. This is where people have the choice.  Do you let the negative energy infuse you or do you hold it a bay and walk away.  It may sound difficult, but as I stated earlier, once you have an awareness of these things, recognizing how outside energy forces are affecting you becomes far more visible to your conscious self.

These examples of the energy body are quite common but they do provide insight.  Now when you begin to consider memory stored at a cellular level and how it can be transmitted from generation to generation, perhaps this can shed a whole new light are our awareness as to why certain behaviours and patterns still remain.

I will most definitely be sourcing out more information regarding this.

We have had an absolutely beautiful summer here in Vancouver this year.  I cannot remember when I’ve seen the grass has brown has its been this year. Typically we get a lot more rain.  So this has been a treat having these long stretches of sunshine.  It has not been too hot either.

Yesterday I went for a walk at lunch and as I walked past Lost Lagoon a soft breeze ran over my skin.  It had picked up the water’s mist from the fountain at the center of  the Lagoon.  I felt just the slightest sensation of the mist dancing over my skin before it evaporated.  It was a delightful sensation.

Back to work for me now. I have some reading material to obtain in the near future.



We all ask the question then spend a lifetime looking for the answer. 

“Why am I here?  What is my purpose?” 

Like the rest of humanity I don’t have a ready answer.  Then I got to thinking, if I did know would that diminish the experience of life? 

Last evening I had a really good run with my group.  Interesting note is that I think I am now seen as being somewhat frail.  Deborah, who is the pace leader for the walk/run group told me we would be doing 1 1/2_3. 1/2 (which means walk for 1 1/2 minutes, run for 3 1/2 minutes).  She asked if this was okay or was it perhaps too much.  I smiled and told her that would be just fine.

I do appreciate the thought and consideration.  I have rolled back the intensity of my workouts and my runs because I feel it is best not to exhaust my system.  I need to conserve my energy yet I also know that by working out and running I am generating energy.  The trick right now is finding the balance that allows the body to remain strong in its fight yet challenge it to a certain degree. 

In the logistics of the universe I am but a little nano spec of cosmic dust, a micro-molecule of energy.  Yet I do have a purpose.  All life does.  Perhaps the purpose is simply the journey itself.  Could it be that simple? 

I like what Chris Hatfield said upon returning to Earth after spending five months on the international space station.  In a nutshell he said he went up as a proud Canadian and came back as a human being. This excited me because I have been turned on to the notion that we need to look past race, colour and creed. 

We are all humans first and foremost.  I know that there have been atrocities done to many cultures.  We can’t change what occurred in the past but hopefully we can all learn from it.  So far that hasn’t happened but I am hopeful.  Still, at some point we need to let the past go and move on from there.  It is a delicate issue. 

Once again I wonder, why I am here.  Can I make a difference in this world, however small?  Can I send all the love I feel within out to the universe with the hopes that it will perhaps sway the pendulum a bit more in our favour.  We are remarkable beings. Complex and confounding at times.  Quite dramatic little pieces of cosmic dust if you think about it.  Capable of so much. 

I have heard the statement that we only use 10% of our brain’s capacity.  That is just part of it though.  I don’t think we use several of our functions to full capacity.  Do we love 100%?  Do we embrace each day fully?  Do we seek knowledge daily? 

Is that the point of this life?  To take the vessel we house and use it as it was meant to be, as it was designed for? 

Kind of like living in a house where you have all the furniture covered in plastic.  Can’t really use it now can you? 

I hope at the end of this life I can look back and know that I made a difference somewhere.  When I become a fading shadow absorbed by the universe around me let me have used this vessel of mine to its capacity. 

Enjoy your day and thanks for stopping by.