A Time to Give Thanks

This weekend Canadians will celebrate Thanksgiving and I, for one, have so much to be thankful for.  I am very much alive and on so many levels.  At lunch I usually go for a walk.  Stretch the legs and enjoy the beauty around me.  A few blocks down someone put a chalk board along with the chalk out front for their house with a question on it.

“What are you thankful for?”

I have been reading what the general public has jotted down.  People are thankful for their families, their friends, their jobs.  My response is that I am thankful for the gift of life.  There is an urgency now to dive into its depths.  I no longer want to hold back so the push is on.

I would like to think that I will arrive with some semblance of eloquence for my life path.  Somehow though, I’ve a feeling that it will likely be an awkward entrance that will later smooth over.  And that’s cool.

But I know change is coming.

As each day passes I become stronger.  I have a plan, sort of, for the year ahead and how it will look.  Again, sort of.  Its more of what I want to have happen and where I want to see myself in terms of expansion.  Stay tuned!

I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you who’ve followed my ramblings.  There is still a boat load of information I need to learn about this blogging thing.  Did I perhaps have my Field of Dreams moment in that someone whispered in my ear,

“If you write it they will come!”  Not really.

Hmmm.  Well so far 237 of you have joined my journey.  Then I have my Facebook family that checks in along with a few Tweeters…yes, I am still not very good at that.  And  a big thank you to all of you!

It has been pointed out to me that as I close in on two years of maintaining this blog that my numbers are actually low and I should be looking into the marketing aspect of all this.  But you know the reason I began this blog was to practice the art of writing.  And I do believe I have become a better wordsmith as a result of this exercise.  This forum has given me the opportunity to express myself.  It really is just that simple.

Those of you who have followed for a while will know that I will discuss anything that just happens to be on mind.  And I suppose that is the beauty of this thing.  I enjoy reading a variety of other blogs as well.  Some are very topical in nature.  I think I tried that for a time but got a little scattered, though the underlying theme to this blog has been health and wellness.

I know that as I prepare to launch my first book I need to polish up my marketing skills.  It is an interesting study actually.  And I guess if I am going to make mistakes, might as well be with a memoir that is self-published.

I am looking forward to this process.  And, for the record, the one thing I will NEVER say  is ‘buy my book.’

I believe anyone who publishes wants their product to do well.  Stands to reason, does it not?  At the moment I am looking at who my target audience should be.  Writing a memoir based on being raised in an abusive home and the effects of that is not going to be everyone’s cup of tea.  There are some extremely dark moments in the book.  So I will continue to do my research and try to make it available in a manner that has a quiet dignity to it.

I just want to be able to let the reading public know ‘I’m here.’

In any case, best I get some work done.  To all of you have a fabulous weekend and thank you for sharing in this journey with me.







The Humility of Ego

The HeadWhat is beauty?  I found myself asking this question over the weekend.  Is it being a size zero?  Is it being polished to the point that you appear untouchable in your perfection?  Is it, in fact, even visible?  Perhaps beauty is a vibration, a radiance, an acceptance and celebration of this marvelous world we inhabit.

All of us at one time or another have sat in absolute awe of a sunset, a storm or a super moon hanging in the night sky. And we will get up at 2:00 AM to watch meteor showers dance across an August sky.

There is a magic to these visual treats that we never seem to question.  We simply stand in awe and appreciation for the majesty that unfolds before us.

Yet when we look in the mirror seldom are we in awe of the visage that gazes back at us.  In fact, typically we are far too critical of self.  It stands to reason, however, as we’ve been spoon fed from birth what the ideal woman or man should look like.  That ideal has continually shifted and changed.  Think of some of the artistic masterpieces such as Boticelli’s ‘Venus’ and Rembrandt’s ‘Bathsheba’.  The women depicted in the paintings are soft, lush and full bodied.

That was, for a very long time I believe, the epitome of female beauty.  Yet as we entered the 20th century and the role we played in this world began to evolve certain images were attached to each metamorphosis.  And here we are now being told that beauty is this vision of an emaciated woman with no fat on her, boobs the size of a beach ball and botox injections to quell any expressions that may cause the skin to crease.

We are now being told that age is a disease and surgery can ‘fix’ this.  It has unfortunately become a multi-billion dollar industry.  Our obsessive quest to look like the airbrushed model on a magazine cover has that, we are told, is what true beauty is.

I don’t buy it.

Yesterday I went for a swim in the morning.  I got in somewhere between 40-50 laps.  Yes, my waistline has expanded over the past few months, but that’s okay.  I’ll get back into shape soon enough.  It was also my first time at being in a public place without any hair on my head.  I had some little kids stare at me.  I smiled at them and they smiled back. It is an odd thing to see a woman with no hair, yet we see men with shaved heads all the time.

I’d had requests to post a photo of myself without hair and yesterday I obliged and put the same image that is above on my Facebook page.  I received accolades from friends for my ‘bravery’.

I thought about this.  Is this really bravery?  I simply put a picture of myself up as I currently look.  It is part of the collateral damage that comes with chemotherapy.  I don’t feel as though I’ve done something that warrants such praise and yet, in some manner I have displayed my vulnerability and I truly appreciate the warmth of my friends’ comments.

Whether someone is horrified by my appearance, saddened or finds it comical…that’s cool.

Personally I’ve taken one step closer to finding my enoughness.  Oh, I want my hair to grow back.  Make no mistake.  I don’t know that getting rid of ego in its entirety is advisable or for that matter, doable.  What I am learning through this process is how I value myself.  Having a bald head at the moment does not define who I am nor does carrying excess weight.

I have been told that my response to chemotherapy has been really quite remarkable in that I have had minimal side effects. It has not been nearly as bad as I anticipated.  Why this is I can’t say but I have accepted the need and reconciled this with every part of my being.

On Saturday I was one of the course marshal’s for the inaugural Vancouver Eastside 10KM.  Olympian Dylan Wykes won the race handily with a time of 29:42.  I was just past the 4KM mark when he came through and I don’t believe he’d broken a sweat at that point.  I marveled at the beauty of his strides and the commitment he has made to this sport.

I cheered on and high-fived many runners.  I thanked them for coming out in support of the programs that exist and need assistance in what has unfortunately become known as the poorest area in North America.  And I was thanked in turn for being there.  Some were concerned that it would be dangerous to be in that neighborhood.  I have never felt a threat in this neighborhood.  Yes, you have a lot of people with serious issues such as mental health, addictions and typically both.

As we walked back along the course to be picked up by our bus we passed several soup kitchens.  Isabella and I both greeted everyone warmly.  We were asked about the race and we told them.  They were genuinely moved that a race had been put together to raise awareness and funds for their area.

I hope it will become an annual event.  I know I want to run it next year.

If it is brave to show your face to the world, to show your true self then so be it.  This experience has been humbling and my ego has certainly been grounded and centered as a result.  Indeed, the lessons being offered up through this experience are welcomed and embraced.

Time to get back to the grind.  Enjoy your day everyone.


A Lesson in Frustration & Fatigue

This morning started out being a ‘poor me’ one.  I have not made it to the gym this week.  I can’t seem to drag my sorry ass out of bed these days.  Yes, I know I have a toxic soup in me that is likely to be assisting in this dilemma.  Still, in the past few months since all this began I’ve added a few pounds and a few inches to my waistline.

I need to change how I eat and more importantly why I eat.  If I am not as active as per usual then I really need to look at my portions.  And again, while this all makes perfect sense to me and I embrace the ideology of it completely, old behaviours rear up and throw me into the same ol’ loop and I cycle through yet again.

This time, however, I am going through this with a complete awareness of it, which makes this even more frustrating.  Of course I could use the whole cancer thing as a wonderful excuse as to my derailment and yes, it probably has influenced it to some degree.

I am done with excuses.  Life can be a bitch, I know that.  It can also be so completely mystical and magical with a richness that I have at times felt as though I was drowning in.  And I love being in that space.

As a child I fought for every scrap of attention and affection that was afforded to me.  As I got older, I stopped fighting and just melted into the background.  As a young woman the day came when I took a serious look at myself and really loathed what I had become.  I have been changing ever since.

Its funny, I was reading a post that a friend put up on Facebook.  In essence she was talking about being deserving of her expectations of what her relationships should provide for her.  My first thought upon reading this was that her thinking was rather selfish.

Then I paused and wondered why that thought had occurred.  I read the passage through a few more times.  No.  She wasn’t being selfish.  Not at all.  She simply knew what she needed from a relationship in order for all involved to gain the most benefit from it.

Then a second reaction occurred. I suddenly felt quite envious.  Had I ever thought that highly of myself?  And even as I asked the question I knew the answer.  No, I have never held myself in such high regard but I would like to.  As I stated in an earlier post this week I still have these demons from the past that are weighing me down.

I guess that’s the kicker.  I am gaining strength in my journey.  I am becoming the person I want to be.  I have a feeling the final hurdle of cutting these chains once and for all is coming very soon.  Another war about to be waged.  Emotions duking it out.  Nasty stuff.

Time to pull up the boot straps and get on with it.  I don’t like feeling the way I am this day.  Oh I know, I can’t be all sunshine and lollipops every day.  The frustration I am feeling though is of my own making.  This is what I need to work on.

That said, as that classic ’70’s tune proclaimed…”I will survive!”

Peace to all of you.




A Tragic Ending?

I had an active weekend.  I have been squeezing several social functions in prior to beginning chemo as I’m not certain at this point how I will feel during the process. There are so many people I really want to see and get caught up with and so I have had social engagements which began on Friday after work and carried right through to Sunday afternoon.

Next weekend will be much the same.  And I am quite enjoying all of this.

I also went on the hunt for the perfect wig and I may just have found it and managed to get a Yoga session in as well and it felt fabulous.

My energy levels are increasing daily.  Two minor scars on either side of my belly button exist and will likely fade over time.

Yesterday I met with a couple of women I went to school with and we enjoyed a long afternoon lunch catching up with each other.  A photo of a woman that we went to school with has appeared on Facebook.  She is currently missing as of July 22, 2013. Julie relayed a few details that she knew regarding her disappearance.

Kathleen had been married last year for just five weeks when her husband apparently hung himself.  The fear is she never recovered from the shock and that now a year later she may well have gone down that path as well.

I truly hope not.

I know what it’s like to be locked in dark despair.  I know from personal experience how if feels to be in constant pain.  Not the type of pain from an injury either.  No, it is the pain of a wounded soul.  It is a heart that is so completely shattered. It feels as if everything that you ever were is just bleeding out of you until there is nothing.  Just and empty darkness, a void where you feel absolute nothing but a relentless agony that begs to be silenced.

Fortunately for me the times I made the attempt to end it all, and there were a few, I managed to hit the ‘off’ switch.  And yes, I remember well the emotional pain that pushed me to the edge.  And so I can only pray that Kathleen has somehow managed to hit the ‘off’ switch as well and has not succumbed to a tragic end.

I found my way out of there.  I discovered a beauty in forgiveness that was such a gentle balm. I let it in, allowing it to ease me from a parched wasteland into a vibrant and lush energy that began to fill and consume me.  Then I began to heal.  With each new day a love of this world that I inhabit increases.  Hope rains down in abundance infusing me with a love so deep.

If Kathleen is out there I send her all my love and prayers that she will find her way from this unconscionable pain that has consumed her.

In the book that I am preparing for publication, I do talk of these things.  One of the reasons why I wrote the book was to perhaps reach out to those who find themselves in such a quandary.  Knowing that you are not alone in how you feel can help you to reconnect because I know I felt so detached and isolated.

How do you tell someone you hurt all the time and you don’t know why?  The frightening memories that I had suppressed from my conscious self resided in the dark recesses of the soul fighting to get out.  The more I pushed them down the further I began sink as well.

Reconciling the past and then leaving it where it belongs can be a difficult thing.  I read not too long ago that you can not appreciate the light without being in the darkness.  You cannot appreciate being happy without knowing sadness.  It is true.

Today I feel a sadness for a woman I have not seen likely in forty years.  What I have learned recently though is how our energy touches each other and helps to shape each of us.  I would not be the person I am today without the experiences I gone through.

And I love the person I am becoming. Yes, I am still stumbling along but you know I’ve seen the core of who I am.  I’ve had that moment when, in all my vulnerability, I have seen the simply beauty of my spirit.

No, I am not there all the time.  In fact, it’s really tough to get there, to be in that state of being that knows no want, no need…where the soul is content to just be. Always the challenge of this world and the energy and stimuli that surrounds us all impacts me, but just knowing what resides in my person will always be enough to keep me pushing forward and shedding this ego that still haunts me.

To all of those souls that are hurting, I pray that you will know the simple beauty of watching the sun rise or watching the rain; that you will know the power of forgiveness and the pure energy of love.  Be open to it and it will come.

And to Kathleen…please be well.




Duck Tales

Do check this story out.  A woman that I know posted the story on Facebook then submitted to our local newspaper.  They ran the story.


Christina is a shamanic coach that I have worked with.  She is truly a really beautiful soul.  I love that ten people gathered to save these ducklings that likely would have perished then managed to reunite them with their distraught mother.

This story just gave me the warm fuzzies.  Vancouver has an abundance of ducks, particularly Mallards.  We have an abundance of bird life actually.  I know of heron nesting communities, we have eagles and Canada geese by the score.

If I were to list all the birds we have this could become an extraordinarily long post.

In any case, I wanted to share this with you so paste it in your browser and enjoy!


Marketing 101…

Okay…so I need to learn how to use this vast social network that lies before me just beyond this computer screen.  I will connect to other social networks…though in truth, I need to figure out how best to use them and what they are in fact for.  I joined with Tumblr and Pintrest today.  Twitter has me confounded. I liken it to being suitable for an ongoing conversation with self with the hopes that others might join in.  But you’re kind of talking to yourself.

And you would think this would be easy for me because I talk to myself all the time.  I walk around muttering as the neurons fire thoughts through my brain seeking an audience of some worth.  Is this a weird thing to do and something that should be discouraged in the marketing end of things?   Hmmm.

What is it I want to the world to know about the product that I am introducing…which just happens to be me?

In what I thought was my cleverness when I set up the Twitter account, I posted rather foolish and out there comments that may have left the impression that I had escaped from an asylum and forgotten to take my meds.

Again, likely not a good tactic to use in the marketing of oneself.

The thing of it is I’m not bat shit crazy.  I am likely a little eccentric, a little weird, a little unique.  That’s cool.  I’ve found a good balance in my life and calmed that somewhat frenetic side of self that rears up every now and again.

And I guess the point of this post is that I really do want to learn how to market not only myself, but what I write.  I want to develop my knowledge base in this sense.

I rose early.  Up at 6:00 AM today.  Sleeping in one position has become rather uncomfortable.  My lower back begins to ache, regardless of how many pillows I have propping me up.  It will be good when I sleep on my side again.  My dreams have been chaotic ramblings so on this day I decided I need to have some structure.

I  have allowed the body and mind to just relax and heal.  Now I need to get my editing chops out and finish polishing up this book  of mine.  The release date.  July 27th, 2013.  One month after surgery.

New beginnings.

One pitfall I need to be wary of is to not spread myself too thin.  I have a tendency to want to know everything all at once and dive in finding myself very quickly in a quagmire of misinformation, hence I learn nothing but what I should not have done.  In truth, this is something I already do know about myself, so I’ll be careful with this.

It is going to be another hot day.  It is not quite 8:00 AM and as I nibble on my fruit salad the pores have already opened on the body releasing any fluids that happen to be in it. The puffiness is receding.  I am hoping that I will be able to wear my pants once again in six weeks time.  I wouldn’t mind going out and buying a really nice outfit as well.

So I guess the best way to market myself if honestly.  Those of you whom have subscribed to this blog have gotten to know the several sides that exist.  I will not present to this world a person that I believe the public may expect, but just me, the person that I am.

I have already exceeded my expectations in that I finished the book.  That it will be published is the final end of this particular journey.  A year and a half ago, I didn’t know diddley-squat about the publishing world. A year ago I finished my first draft.  Since that time my evolution has a writer has continued.

When you move from stating ‘I love to write’ to ‘I’m a writer’ it is a big step. Acknowledging your passion is huge.  Embracing and surrendering yourself to it… no words suffice at this realization. And so I will work through this task of marketing my work with the honesty and finesse worthy of the readers I seek.  That you will come to know my quiet intelligence and insatiable curiousity about this world we inhabit; that I can share with all of you the beauty that I see daily and I embrace yet another day on this blue marble of ours.

I was thinking of a catch phrase that might describe me in a nutshell.  You think of Nike (Just Do It).  You get the idea.

I could say that I am a survivor, because I am.  But I am so much more than just that.  From each of these challenges comes a deeper understanding of what it is to be human.  And maybe that’s the point.  In any case, this is what I came up with.

Nancy Pilling   (Why Not?)

Enjoy your day my friends.



I went to a fundraiser last night after work.  A young man 37 years of age has cancer.  He has undergone intense and aggressive treatments and then suffered a heart attack in the mix of things.

Steve has a young family.  He is fit, takes care of himself and his loved ones.  By the show of attendees at this event it is evident that he is well-loved.

I have never met Steve.

A woman who I went to school with had posted the invitation on Facebook.  It really just reached out to me.

It’s tough when your world goes sideways and the last thing you want to be confronted with is how to pay the bills.  Yet it happens everyday to people.  And somehow it doesn’t seem fair, does it?  But then life really isn’t about being fair.  You take the hand that is dealt to you and do the best you possibly can.

This event gave me the opportunity also of touching base with a woman I have not seen in some 35 years or more.  It was a delight to see her again.

I have been looking through the shadows of my past and extracting the beauty that did in fact exist in my life at that time.  There are a few gems well worth pulling forward and embracing.  One of the things I have been doing is touching base with some of the people I knew back in the day.  Val was a great gal in school.  No nonsense, real and she still is.

We all had our secrets, our fears that we never disclosed.  Perhaps growing up is still very much like that.  We posture and pose in our insecurities.  Oh, I am certain that some don’t have these little hiccups but for many the growing pains we pass through can at times leave very deep scars.

Still, it is your choice to remain subdued by their impact or grow and expand as a result.

Tonight was a good excuse to connect with someone I had not seen in years.  Just to say ‘hello’ again.  To let them know they mattered to you at that time in your life.  That they were good, they were real.  I think sometimes about how many lives we touch during the course of our lifetime.  Some meetings are brief, some are lasting but they all shape who we become to some degree.

For so many years I was caught in a vortex where I lashed out, blaming whomever was within striking distance of the hurt that I was living with.

The heart bled out, alone, fractured, wanting….

The times that love was offered I treated it with suspicion.  My reaction was often accusatory in nature.

I found later that the wound remained open because I was lacking a certain component in order to allow the heart to heal.  That little thing known as forgiveness.

On Thursday night I was at the engineer’s office as usual working on the books.  My phone rang and my daughter was on the other end sobbing tearfully.

She has been having issues with a certain corporation (BC Hydro…cough…cough).  They wanted to charge her some foolish ‘deposit’ eight months after she opened the account with them.

Receiving yet another ‘Final Notice’ she dutifully called them to try to straighten things out.  The account is paid in full.  There should be no issues.  This time, however, she lost her cool.  She screamed obscenities and various profanities in her conversation with the agent.

The additional costs were waived at the end of it all.  When she called me though she was not upset that they had threatened yet again to cut-off her service.  No, she was upset that she had yelled at someone who was just doing their job.

She felt horrible that she had treated someone in that manner even though she had apologized for her behaviour before the conversation ended.

I felt a quiet pride at this moment.  This lovely woman who I’ve been blessed with raising was feeling grief over something like this.  Her consideration for another just made my heart burst.

God knows I have had such dealings with these organizations in years past and I was far less accountable for my behaviour.  And these days that is what I am working on.

So, yes, I will accept an invitation to help support another person in their battle for life.

I hope Steve survives.  I hope he lives a long, full life.  If I can send this out to him for his well-being consider it done.

We fear death.  This goes without saying and yet I can say will all honesty that I don’t fear it so much as I do feel that my time is limited in all that I want to have done and experienced in the time that has been allotted to me.

And it is not bucket list stuff that I am talking about either.  I don’t want to jump from a plane, race down white-water rapids or run with the bulls.

I just want to get to that place where I appreciate the moment that I have right now and know it.

Have a great day.



writers block

Since December 7th, 2011 when I began this blog, I have talked a lot, yes?

This post will mark the 300th time I have ponied up to ramble about whatever happens to be between the posts at any given time.  The goings on in the grey matter and the rest of this body o’ mine have been common threads throughout.  At times I have been poetic, at times funny and yes, a little strange as well.

The time that has passed as been 487 days since beginning this little project of mine.  I have posted an entry on average of 62% or thereabouts during this time frame.

I have never really figured out how to market my blog all that effectively but I am grateful to those of you who have followed along and found hopefully some benefit to my admissions.  I have always been as forthright, upfront and honest with whatever it is I decide to address.  And this has been an interesting process for me as well.  I see the highs and lows that I have worked through, the different mindsets that I have entertained.

I have never been ‘Freshly Pressed’.  I have never won a ‘blog award‘.  That is not why I began this and it has no appeal, though I do wonder about the ‘Freshly Pressed’ choices and how they are made.  What I have learned, however, is that blogging is big business.  I was talking with a woman who went to a Writer’s Forum where men and women expected no less than 15,000 hits on their blog per month.  Anything below that and they are not happy.  I suppose too what I found interesting is that someone commanding so much traffic can indeed have sponsors who pay to run ads on these sites.

From what the woman told me, they were all business.

I don’t know why I found that so surprising but I did.  If you were to ask me who has such a blog I could not tell you.  Though I have been to and read blogs and that have a high volume of traffic.  They have several links such as Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Linkedin, etc.

Anyone following my blog knows I am currently trying to wrap my head around the Twitter thing.  I have an account, but I don’t go there much.  Last time I entered what I called ‘Sleep Tweets’ because that was where they evolved.  I have two followers.  I am still a little tongue-tied when it comes to Twitter.  And is it just me or do people, famous ones at that, tend to say really silly things on this forum.  Things that they perhaps wish they could take back?

Still blogging is an interesting medium.  And I suppose learning how to market a product will come in time.  I have been researching self-publishing with the assistance and direction of members in my writing group.  I have a lot to learn.  Considering no one had ever read any of my work up to February of 2011, I think I have learned a thing or two.

And so I will continue.

As far as how I am feeling this day.  Better than yesterday.  Oh, I will shake all of this off and move on.  At the moment I am watching an eagle circle up above downtown Vancouver.  We have a few nests about.  The seagulls always chase them.  I guess the eagles will take their the gull’s eggs and such.  They are magnificent birds.

So this is the 300th.  Yay!

Thanks for listening.


In Training (Day 66)….Tweeting In My Sleep

Last evening’s run was a bit of a battle but I felt much stronger than on  Sunday.  We were supposed to do a Tempo run last night but I decided to just do a Zone 1 run.  I figured if I could just keep a steady pace that would be an improvement and I did.  It was raining last night and I did get wet which I don’t mind at all.  I don’t like how heavy the legs still feel, but it’s coming.

Mary was our pace leader last night and she is really cool.  She is in her mid-sixties, looks fabulous and is well beyond my current capabilities.  We chatted on the way back about what running has given us.  For me it is a freedom and so much more.

This morning’s workout was much better as well.  So I am on the mend.

I had some very strange dreams last night.  I was dreaming about tweeting and coming up with intriguing ‘tweets’.  On my way home from my run last night the DJ asked her audience which record albums had the most intriguing names.  She named off a few and I was running that through the grey matter.  Funny I could think of several song titles that were cool.  Perhaps I am not one to note the name of an album unless of course I wish to purchase it.   I think this may well have factored into the dream as well.

Now in my dreams last night I wasn’t even on a computer just expected to come up with mysterious and odd tweets to entice my global web family.  I had one of those metallic white boards with the coloured letters that are magnets.  Do you remember those?  There was an urgency to this task as I paced with several other people.  Then I would run to the white board and begin to move the letters around to form the various ‘tweet’ ideas.

I came up with some of the following phrases.  What they mean is anyone’s guess.

‘Dark Side of the Monkey Cage’

‘Involuntary Orgasms Make Better Lovers’

‘Revolving Doors from the Eastside’

‘Silent Lucidity is Louder than you think’

‘Karma found me gazing at the Moon’

And those are a few samples of the prose that invaded my dreams last night.  I am always fascinated by the dream realm and what it can tell us.  Perhaps I am getting a little bent out of shape about this Twitter thing. Do you think?

What I realize as well is that I need to be plugged into this device consistently throughout the day and at this stage of the game that is not a viable option.  One has to wonder if Barack Obama is actually plugged in all the time or is someone tweeting on his behalf.  Hmmm.

Sometimes I think we are too plugged in.  Everything is instant these days.  I like the email thing.  Facebook is good to a point.  I have people on Facebook who live vicariously through it.  If they fart they tell the world they did so.  I have my blog linked to my Facebook page so friends can read my melodramatic state of mind if they so choose.

I guess I’ve been trying to wrap my head around the Twitter thing.  I can see its value once again, to a degree.

I could get myself into trouble with this tool.   If I were a little inebriated, well let’s just say verbally I have been rather ‘creative’ at times.  I don’t know that I would want it in print able to forever haunt me.  And I guess that’s the thing of too.  I have got to figure out the target for this thing when I do decide to implement its use.  Currently I don’t see the point in stressing about it.

I am back at my doctor’s tonight.  Review all the tests from weekend.  Somehow I have a feeling we may have stumbled upon something.  I will find out later today.

Enjoy your day everyone.  Peace out.


Can We Be Kinder?

I have ritually packed up my gym bag for a Monday morning workout every Sunday night for the last month, however, I have felt my muscles were a bit too tight still from my long run on Sunday morning and have begged off.  Monday has now unofficially become a recovery day.  Such was the case this morning.  An odd night of sleep as well.  At one point I thought I heard my phone ringing and then had this dream with a ticker tape running underneath whatever it was I was participating in the dream having slipped from memory already.  Strange.

We had a bit of a howler last night as well.  A lot of wind and rain throughout the night.  I like to keep my window open a little bit to get fresh air coming in, even when it is cold out.  Something quite delightful about being bundled up under the warmth of my blankets.

I was driving in watching the birds wind surf.  I have seen the gulls many times on the shore line just float in mid-air.  They don’t move all that much.  Just a gentle sway back and forth as they ride the air current.  This morning I watched as a crow caught an undercurrent and was suddenly thrown off its flight pattern and was pushed toward some telephone lines.  It fought the current to regain its balance and avoided collision.

The weather is now beginning to calm.

I had a really good weekend.  Again, I have been in a rather introspective frame of mind these days.  I was checking my Facebook page after breakfast yesterday and one person posted a picture of Steven Hawking.  The caption was something along of ‘Disabled?  Smartest man in the world!’  I commented about the labels we tend to attach and that I felt we needed to move away from this.  Steven Hawking is physically challenged but he hasn’t let that deter him.  The response wasn’t quite what I anticipated.  There was agreement then a rant about kids using bullying as a scape goat and parents who are too protective and that school should be a ‘bootcamp to toughen them up for the real world’.   A comment also indicating that we were raising a generation of wimps.

I respectfully disagreed with this analogy.  In my mind words are one of the most powerful tools we possess and they are often tossed out without much thought given to their meaning or the effect they will have.  How many of you have said something in a moment of anger or hurt that you wish immediately after the words have left your mouth that you could take them back?  I would say it is highly likely we all have experienced this.

I pointed out in my rebuttal as well that with the onset and convenience of social media, cruelty seems to have reached new heights.  Why, I wonder, do certain people want to antagonize someone?  To what point?  It makes no sense to me.  None.

Has this instrument known as the internet allowed us the anonymity to become these hateful, wretched beings who sit behind a faceless screen spewing god knows what and pretending to be what as a result, I am not certain.  Does it really make someone feel good to attack someone in such a way?

The other question I pondered was the issue of parenting.  Had the pendulum swung too far?  Had parents become over protective from unseen threats (real or imagined?).

Hard to say really. I know, being a parent and having actually had a rather interesting conversation with my daughter regarding this subject, that one of the keys is respect.  Show your child respect and it will be returned.  Despite the hardships of being a single parent, despite the daily worries of making ends meet, despite the fact that I was fighting unseen demons of my own that not even I was aware of at the time, a profound love existed.  There was never any sacrifice on my part.

On the contrary, I have always treated being given the role of mother and honour and privilege.  One thing my daughter told me, is that regardless of the hardships, she always appreciated that I spoke to her in a manner that made her feel that she mattered and that she had a voice.  I always took the time to explain my decisions and to explain the ways of the world, or at least my limited knowledge of it at that time.

I told her upon her birth I had but one desire.  To become a woman she could respect and be proud of.  She smiled then and said ‘Mission accomplished.’

I never abused her nor could I.  Got mad a few times. Got frustrated many times but she always knew when testing the waters, as kids will do, when she was defeated in her quest.  And I often told her the reasons as well so that she might learn and carry that with her.  To just say ‘No’ somehow just didn’t suffice.

The thing parents need to do more than anything really is listen to their children.  Know too, one of the things my daughter pointed out was that she remembers all the time we spent together…not the gadgets she was given (and there were not very many).  There were families we knew who had a TV in every room of their home and they never really talked to each other.  Kind of passed each other in the halls and kitchen.  Strange.

But I hope that at some point we can lose this attitude of labeling everything. Of passing judgements, of hurting someone with our words because we sit behind a computer screen where no one can see us.  Say a kind word.  If you are in disagreement, reply respectfully.  That was what I did yesterday.  My Facebook friend is entitled to their opinion as I am mine.  Our opinions can be changed through debate and enlightenment and that is what I will endevour to do.

Offer a smile and what comes back to you is just amazing.

Peace out everyone.