Emotion and Bullshit


face pain 1I’m sore and aching.

This is becoming common place now and it totally sucks but I’ve got to push through this.

Hell, if I could work through the ails of chemotherapy and radiation then I can work through the pains of a soft tissue injury a result of the car accident.

I’m feeling a great deal of stress.  I was offered just $5,000.00 for my car.  Yet a part of me feels I should get more.

Why?

The plan had been to trade it in on a new vehicle in a year or two.  That is the approximate value I would have expected.  Still, that was down the road and in another universe.

Headaches have been occurring daily, sometimes a few times a day.  I don’t get headaches typically and these are making me feel akin to a space cadet.  At work I’ve made herculean efforts to maintain my focus and it has literally been exhausting.

There is no choice in this.

Some will say I should stay at home…rest up.  And do what?

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I’ve been blessed or cursed, I’m not too sure which, with a brain that just doesn’t stop.  I look for and try to still and quiet this mind of mine but it isn’t easy.

Even in meditation it’s hard to keep the mind still.

And this job is too important.  I’m committed.

I will be attempting to launch the book this weekend.

And yes, I’ve worked really fucking hard for this.

I have to put my training and running back on hold…again.

This is a major piss off.  A few short weeks ago I joined my running group again and was so bloody emotional that I found myself in tears.  I was so happy to be back, to be re-building.

Now I have to suck it up and push through again.

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It could be worse though and I know that.  Hearing that my vehicle sustained $7,000 to $9,000 in damages was a total shock.  That little of car of mine served me well right up to the bitter end.

I’m pissed off that liability hasn’t yet been ‘officially’ determined.

I’ve pondered the question a few times of hiring a lawyer but that would be a whole other animal.

The thing is I don’t want this to consume my life.  I just want to be well again and carry on.

I simply want to be treated fairly.

I’ve conceded that $6,000 is a fair price for the car. I was pushing for $7,000 but in truth this is not a realistic.

Yes, I feel indignant and I feel shit on in this situation.

I hurt.

body pain

Corporations have that impersonal thing about them that make my skin crawl.

You become a number, a statistic.  Nothing more and I resent that.

And because I didn’t get ‘upgrades’ my car is somehow worth less?

Am I paying for good looks or quality?

Do I need a surround sound system in my car, a TV, a GPS, or any number of the other technological wonders that come with our cars these days?

No.  I need and want a reliable, safe and dependable vehicle and that is what I had.

I didn’t need the bells and whistles. I find them distracting.

And yet I feel I’m being punished for my choice in wanting simplicity.

heads up

And I want to know how having a car that will warm my ass up at a moments notice is an ‘upgrade’.

Perhaps if I lived in a climate that was prone to extremely cold conditions then I could see this as a sought after feature in a car.

The other night I pushed the button inadvertently and well, the warming of the seat induced a hot flash.

Some of the upgrades that are being offered up are of concern.

Cars can now ‘see’ so if your are drifting off into another lane it will advise you.  Cars can park themselves.

So tell me, do these features make a better driver or a co-dependent driver?

Know if you are drifting into another lane because you’re exhausted…coming out of that state can be a little disorientating.

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A collision happens in a nanosecond.

In truth, if you are exhausted you should pull over and have a nap.

I’ve always gone with a base model.  I like to drive and I’m good at it.  Air conditioning is not something I need either and I fact it makes the engine work that much harder.  Perhaps if I lived in Las Vegas, A/C would be warranted but up here?

I roll the window down and enjoy the breeze.

The idea is to take care of your vehicle and I did that.

Not once did my car not start the first time.  Nor did I experience one mechanical problem with the engine.

Oh, the brakes were replaced, oil changes and tune-ups were done.

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Toyotas’ are known for their longevity.  At 169,025 km my little car had a lot of life left in it.

I will miss that little green munchkin and will go on record to state that it is the best vehicle I’ve ever owned.

But I have to take the emotion out of what I’m working through regarding the vehicle. I have to be far more factual.

And I will be.

 

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A Moment Recaptured


clouds

I attended a workshop last weekend based on writing and healing.  I’ve done this one before.  A few years ago when first the pull of the pen had raised its expectations from me, I began seeking out several workshops.  I met Sherry when she was first piecing this workshop together.

I now consider her a friend.

This past year has pulled me in directions I’d never intended and I’ve been feeling the desire to reconnect to this craft that I love.  Not that I haven’t been writing.  Quite the contraire.

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I wanted to take it to another level and share this.

Explore it further. Let it grow, develop and nurture my skill within this realm.

There were nine of us in attendance on Saturday.  Sherry went through the information with a congeniality and passion that always shines through.  We came to the point in the workshop where we are required to write without pause for 20-25 minutes.

A previous exercise had planted a thought for me to explore and I did.  Upon completion were asked a series of questions to which we wrote down our response using our less dominant hand.

Then came the time to share.  I understand the hesitance of sharing the written word for many. Even more so in an exercise such as this because it is so raw, so organic and so revealing.  In a sense we are baring our souls to one another.

I offered to go first simply because I am familiar with this process and it doesn’t intimidate as it once did.

And as the others shared their pieces, I found myself humbled and grateful to be a part of this group.

Each telling gave a peek inside their very being.  The gaiety of smiles previously worn now held that fragility I rarely get to experience with fellow writers.  Let me tell you, when this occurs it is truly a magical moment.

I had arrived at the same time as Eileen and Mitzy.  I would later discover they’ve shared a friendship that extends 30 years.

As to their age I would hazard to guess that they are perhaps in their mid to late 60’s.

Both women were dressed in demure fashions for an aging gal.  They dress for comfort now.  It is I think sometimes a rite of passage.  Both ladies colour their hair to cover the grey.  I guess this too becomes a personal preference as I know many women who’ve opted to just let nature take its course.

And either way that’s cool.

I loved that they’d come to this workshop.  I loved that they were still curious and wanting. Still exploring what’s in their hearts and in their minds.

james_20brown_2012james brown

Eileen began to read her piece.  Shy and hesitant as she read, I was taken into the soul of woman who had a deep love of music, in particular the Blues.  This passion of hers had taken her to many points on this globe.

She spoke of being one of two white people at a James Brown concert.  Of how the tears had rolled down her cheek as he etched the rhythms of his life into her very being.

I felt her love, her passion, her drive which is still very much alive in her.

Then Eileen spoke of books.  Of how the years fell away when she happened upon a favorite from her youth.

Eileen looks like someone’s  beloved grandmother.  You would never have guessed that she once traveled to and rocked it out at several Blues’ festivals, James Brown being just one.

Perhaps that’s the disconnect these days.

More often than not aging is now treated as disease, an affliction.  And there is a ‘cure’ for this or so we are told.

Now that we are no longer in our prime we no longer matter. Yet we do. Our energy, our love, our passions are what we pay forward.  The wrinkles and creases that will inevitably come I for one will embrace.

Then Mitzy’s turn came to read and she was so reluctant to share her piece.  With gentle nudging and encouragement from Sherry she did.

By the end of the piece I had been reduced to tears.

Mitzy had, in short order, poured her soul onto the page. All of her vulnerability was laid bare, raw and so profound.

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The pain of being judged, the extreme hurt at simply wanting to be seen, heard and acknowledged.   To be given that dignity that should never have been in question to begin with.

I could identify with the emotions she’d spilled upon the paper.

There was an eloquence in her words as with the others.

Maureen took us to a union with her love.  She walked us down a path lined with lilacs and sweet fragrances that seemed out-of-place for the prison that she was approaching.  Her love just happened to be in prison.

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The sights and smells that her piece elicited, the surreal quality that it lent, the pain and the hope was all there in exquisite detail.

And Laurie had written about a consuming depression she’d experienced during the pregnancy and the birth of her daughter.  All the stresses in her life at that time and the guilt felt at not wanting this child at that moment in time.  Of feeling so torn and shackled.

Ronald too spoke of the birth of his daughter from a vantage point we don’t often hear about.

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And as I left the workshop, I felt a connection to each person there.  I was again reminded of my roots, my humanity and my deep appreciation for this life.  I left with a renewed conviction to live this life fully, with passion and with love every day!

I stepped back out into a cloudless day knowing the lives that had touched mine will forever have an impact.

That is the reward.  Right there.  I was able to look a little further into the human experience through the eyes of another and make it mine to honour.

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Enjoy your day.

Peace.

 

A Tragic Ending?


I had an active weekend.  I have been squeezing several social functions in prior to beginning chemo as I’m not certain at this point how I will feel during the process. There are so many people I really want to see and get caught up with and so I have had social engagements which began on Friday after work and carried right through to Sunday afternoon.

Next weekend will be much the same.  And I am quite enjoying all of this.

I also went on the hunt for the perfect wig and I may just have found it and managed to get a Yoga session in as well and it felt fabulous.

My energy levels are increasing daily.  Two minor scars on either side of my belly button exist and will likely fade over time.

Yesterday I met with a couple of women I went to school with and we enjoyed a long afternoon lunch catching up with each other.  A photo of a woman that we went to school with has appeared on Facebook.  She is currently missing as of July 22, 2013. Julie relayed a few details that she knew regarding her disappearance.

Kathleen had been married last year for just five weeks when her husband apparently hung himself.  The fear is she never recovered from the shock and that now a year later she may well have gone down that path as well.

I truly hope not.

I know what it’s like to be locked in dark despair.  I know from personal experience how if feels to be in constant pain.  Not the type of pain from an injury either.  No, it is the pain of a wounded soul.  It is a heart that is so completely shattered. It feels as if everything that you ever were is just bleeding out of you until there is nothing.  Just and empty darkness, a void where you feel absolute nothing but a relentless agony that begs to be silenced.

Fortunately for me the times I made the attempt to end it all, and there were a few, I managed to hit the ‘off’ switch.  And yes, I remember well the emotional pain that pushed me to the edge.  And so I can only pray that Kathleen has somehow managed to hit the ‘off’ switch as well and has not succumbed to a tragic end.

I found my way out of there.  I discovered a beauty in forgiveness that was such a gentle balm. I let it in, allowing it to ease me from a parched wasteland into a vibrant and lush energy that began to fill and consume me.  Then I began to heal.  With each new day a love of this world that I inhabit increases.  Hope rains down in abundance infusing me with a love so deep.

If Kathleen is out there I send her all my love and prayers that she will find her way from this unconscionable pain that has consumed her.

In the book that I am preparing for publication, I do talk of these things.  One of the reasons why I wrote the book was to perhaps reach out to those who find themselves in such a quandary.  Knowing that you are not alone in how you feel can help you to reconnect because I know I felt so detached and isolated.

How do you tell someone you hurt all the time and you don’t know why?  The frightening memories that I had suppressed from my conscious self resided in the dark recesses of the soul fighting to get out.  The more I pushed them down the further I began sink as well.

Reconciling the past and then leaving it where it belongs can be a difficult thing.  I read not too long ago that you can not appreciate the light without being in the darkness.  You cannot appreciate being happy without knowing sadness.  It is true.

Today I feel a sadness for a woman I have not seen likely in forty years.  What I have learned recently though is how our energy touches each other and helps to shape each of us.  I would not be the person I am today without the experiences I gone through.

And I love the person I am becoming. Yes, I am still stumbling along but you know I’ve seen the core of who I am.  I’ve had that moment when, in all my vulnerability, I have seen the simply beauty of my spirit.

No, I am not there all the time.  In fact, it’s really tough to get there, to be in that state of being that knows no want, no need…where the soul is content to just be. Always the challenge of this world and the energy and stimuli that surrounds us all impacts me, but just knowing what resides in my person will always be enough to keep me pushing forward and shedding this ego that still haunts me.

To all of those souls that are hurting, I pray that you will know the simple beauty of watching the sun rise or watching the rain; that you will know the power of forgiveness and the pure energy of love.  Be open to it and it will come.

And to Kathleen…please be well.

Namaste.

 

 

Catch Phrases


I went off the pain killers yesterday.  I was getting a little too ‘medicated’ for my liking.  Yesterday afternoon I fell asleep on the sofa late in the afternoon.  Trying to wake up proved to be a bit of a challenge.  Keep in mind that I was only taking T3’s…one every four hours.  The medical staff encouraged me to go with the program.  I did. I need to let the body right itself now.  The indignities that I have celebrating lately are indeed curious.

Of course, being a polite person, I won’t name these indignities.  Let’s just say that as humans, we all have these functions.  That I have been celebrating their return has been amusing at times, but yes, there have been a few high-fives around here lately.

I had thought writing would be as forthcoming as it usually is.  That has not been the case.  I will be tapping away at the keys then suddenly find myself lolling into a state of nirvana.  When I waken, I find the screen now covered with pages of letters that the fingers relaxed into.

Chuckling at this, I pressed delete then closed the computer down.  This has happened a few times.  The thought process has been fleeting. I was checking my email and saw a photo of a VW Van.  In psychedelic, flower power lettering along the side of the van “Make Love Not War” was written in brightly shades of neon.

Of course, as you know I am seeking a catch phrase for my person that will identify me in the same manner that. others enjoy.  Am I asking too much?  Perhaps it’s the drugs talking.

Think of Mr. T.  And what is his catch phrase?  I pity the fool that doesn’t know that one.  My generation really embraced the whole catch phrase phenomenon.

“Have a Nice Day” accompanied by a yellow smiley face was the all the rage.  The new generation now believes Forrest Gump wiped his sweaty face on a towel and uttered those words for the first time.  Not quite true, kiddies.

Still the sentiments that were being shared at that time had a sweet innocence to them.  I really want to embrace that mindset again.  I don’t want to become a cynical nay-sayer who sits in condemnation of the world before me.  I think for a time I was that person.  Not a fun place to be.  I want to know the pleasure of each day despite the hand that’s dealt to me.

Why not?

I found out yesterday that chemo and radiation will be required.  I may be bald for a bit.  Now understand that this is purely a vanity thing.  The hair will grow back. I’ve heard that if you do a buzz cut then it will grow back thicker.  I’ll have to ask my salon about that.  Perhaps ask a few people who do shave their head on a regular basis.  In any case, the thing about these treatments is the fatigue factor.  I was encouraged yesterday to continue with my workout routine and running once the body heals but that I may not be as energized during the treatments.  That’s okay.  The post-operative stuff will take about 3 months.

I am going to do a brief meditation now.  I want to drop down into my heart centre for a bit.  This particular journey isn’t completely over just yet. And I am determined to listen to the body and the lessons that are being imparted.  I am determined to listen to the spirit and set it free.  I am determined to live.

Be well friends.  Namaste.

A Healing Plan


Has day four begins in the healing plan, I am contemplating for the first time how I feel about all this.  Physically I feel weaker. Even the words that typically cascade through my grey matter and end up on this screen seem to be at the bottom of an abyss these days and a part of me feels a little too lazy to dig down and retrieve them.

It could be the drugs, it could be body’s need to rest.  I do get sleepy quite easily.  It could be the heat.  It could be a combination of all of the above.

My daughter asked me the other day how I felt.  Did I feel hollow?  Could I tell nothing was there? I don’t think hollow would be the descriptive text I would use in this case.  Anyway it is too early to give an accurate telling.  I had reconciled that this part of my anatomy would be removed.  I’m cool with it.

A healing plan is in place. I am out walking a four block loop twice a day.  We are eating an uber healthy diet and I am being the best little patient, ever!

Vancouver entered into a heat wave this weekend as well, so part of the lethargy that I am feeling no doubt can be attributed to this.  Apparently I will no longer have hot flashes, which excites me to no end.  Can it be true? At the moment though I feel as though I am a singular sweat gland that has not closed in a millennium.

I am sitting here, eating my fruit salad and trying to stab a grape with my fork…it’s not going so well.

And what can I share with all of you that may be of interest in this experience?  Well,  there is a deeper resolve now to follow my passions.

At the end of this six week healing plan I will take my daughter out for a celebratory dinner and enjoy a brew or two.  I may decide upon a particularly good vintage as well. Vasser Felix Shiraz, look out!

Then I will be introducing the body to the gym again, to running, to movement. I will enjoy the freedom of it in a body reborn, in a body that is clean, in a body that is healthy.

What do I feel?

At this very moment a part of me knows the cancer is gone.  And there is a quiet joy coursing through me.  I am grateful. I am gazing at my secret garden and contemplating what sex will feel like once I am healed.  As the good doctor said, “Don’t put anything in your vagina for six weeks.”  I smiled at this.  “In other words, no sex?” And she smiled back.  “Yes. Exactly.”

In truth, I don’t feel particularly sexy.  I think that’s a given that having surgery may have dampen the mood, so to speak.  The next week I will be focusing on copy editing.  I was reviewing a few blogs earlier that I follow.  One woman is celebrating three months on here.  She has 42,000 hits and 4,050 followers.  This is still a part of blogging that I don’t really understand.  The marketing of it, developing traffic.  I suppose in time I’ll figure it out.  In the meantime, I’ll keep at it.  Much to focus on in the next week.

Enjoy your day all!

In Training (Day 87)….Just Like Starting Over


I was singing John Lennon’s song ‘Starting Over’ and it occurred to me how many times in my life I feel like I have done just that.

I have gone down more roads that have ended abruptly than I care to remember.  The thing is even while having discovered that particular ‘end’ I was persistent in trying to change it and extend it,  before accepting that I had taken yet another detour resulting in self feeling rather suspended and a little discombobulated.

And so I am reviewing the motivation and point of training for the 1/2 marathon.  Oh, I will complete this run.  No doubt there.  But my purpose starting out was to pull myself together, to tie all the loose ends up nice and neat and step out into the world a whole and complete woman, confident, glowing and enjoying optimum health and wellness.

I have just over four weeks before I participate in this race.   Am I close to my goal of the idealistic sense of self that I am seeking?

No.  I am not.  In fact, I feel like I have come apart a bit more but not in a way that in necessarily detrimental to me.  I have had a lot of emotional components come to the surface that I have accepted and begun to work through.  I guess if anything, I am surprised by how many more layers need to be dealt with.  That was my first little reality check in.

Is my vision of the person I am trying to become a little on the naive side?   Perhaps.

I am committed though to being true to myself.  It isn’t as easy as it sounds. And if the vision that I originally had doesn’t materialize then perhaps I am entertaining an illusion of sorts.  The other thought that occurred is that perhaps I am already there only I am moving through different versions of this manifested self.  The discovery of being is an interesting one that constantly changes with the influences and energy that surround and feed the spirit.

Perhaps the biggest lesson I am learning through this experience  is that I should be focusing just on today, not who I perceive will cross the finish line.  It will certainly be me that crosses the finish line.  So why am I so preoccupied with my transformation and its evolutionary path?  I suppose it is yet another lesson learned.

Just as with my emotional healing, my physical self feels as though it is reflecting these internal and external challenges.  And I would imagine they are.  In many ways I feel like I am starting over.  Refining what has been gained and inching forward on this odd little quest.

I want to get to that place where should I look in the mirror and ask, “Are you content?  Have you found your enoughness?”  The answer will be ‘Yes‘.

And perhaps I can’t have that until I let go of all the baggage….all the pain….all the hurt.  What I must acknowledge too is that it took a lifetime to accumulate all this crap, so as much as I want to rid myself of it…there is a process that needs to be adhered to.  If I stick to that, I’ll be just fine.

With every thing that I finish and mark as an accomplishment of sorts, what waits are several new beginnings.

And so even as surely as I finish the race, yet another path will open to be explored.  I’m not hanging around the dead ends any longer.  I recognize how shallow they are rather quickly these days and move on.

And so the process begins again.

 

 

A time to reflect…


I have literally been motoring through my life this past year and half.  I got on this kick of wanting to feel whole and complete and just went at it with wild abandon.  I think its time I came up for air.

This week a few things really came front and centre.  For one of the first times in my life…I really saw myself.

How to explain this.

I have always seen myself with a list of things that I would like to change, have changed, or been in the process of changing.  I have looked at myself with my wish list in hand.  If I just looked like this, if I just had that, if I just felt like this.  I have looked at self with loathing and utter contempt.  I have, quite frankly, been at times very unkind to self.

You start to get the idea. I have never just looked at and accepted myself at any one moment without the white noise in the background reminding me of my imperfections and liabilities.

So the quest, which I started over a year ago was to really address my intimacy issues and my fear of them.  And they ran very deep.  I really had no idea how this would branch off into what has seemed at times like a thousand different directions all with one destination in mind.

I took a rather unorthodox approach in seeking assistance  in that I found a sexual healer and began working with him.   James has been the pillar that I needed to work through all of this.  He has provided constant and consistent support beyond direction.  Now this may sound confusing but by ‘direction’ how I define this is that at no time did he tell me in order to get to a place of full acceptance of self, that this was how I needed to do it.  I am really struggling trying to convey the lessons learned the words that are appropriate to convey this message are not coming at the moment.  The journey is personal…the direction is of my own choosing…the path is mine to explore, as it is for all of us.  We make choices.

Every time I walked back in for another session I was looking for what, I don’t know…accolades?…acceptance?….affirmation?….praise?

But it was always from an outside source that I looked for this.

We would have a session and I would go back out into the world and step back into the boxing ring with self and I would go 12 rounds and it would still be a draw.

Eventually those little battles with self…well,  the good side always wins.  Yes?  Little victories in the beginning.  It has really been quite extraordinary from where I started to where I stand now.  The things I learned about self and about this world that we all call home and our place in it.  All the time spent fighting when all I needed to do was embrace self is perhaps one of the most profound aspects of all of this.

I have opened myself to so many things and I am hungry for it, let me tell you.  Feeling that connection to life, feeling love, feeling lightness, feeling movement, feeling the air, feeling, feeling, feeling….

I am just throwing my heart open and letting myself love and be loved.

This week I had the experience of seeing myself without the white  noise in the background.  What I saw was a being of beauty, grace, compassion and love.  I was truly humbled by this.  All I could do is cry big old happy crocodile tears.  That was incredibly cleansing.

And I savoured the moment.  Let it wash over me.  Let it permeate the grey matter and write itself into my memory.

And in so doing, for the first time in my life I fully understood what it means to love.

Enjoy your day and thank you for stopping by.

PS   I have come back to edit this as I sent the link to James to share this with him. I may have misrepresented or expressed James’ guidance quite a bit out of turn with the phrase of ‘support without direction’ in way that was never intended.   This has been adjusted to more openly express… I don’t know how to thank him for the assistance he has provided me with.  It goes so far beyond direction.  When I embarked on this journey with James, it was originally to deal with my intimacy issues, but it has gone so far beyond that.  And in truth saying thank you just does not seem adequate.  I think this is coming out so very clumsy today.  Words cannot express the way I feel. I will leave it at that.

The shoulder is always open…and I have two of them


Sometimes it is far more important just to very quietly let someone you love know that you are there, and always will be, not by words but just by your presence.  I was thinking this morning how wrapped up we get in our lives sometimes.   Always on the go, always moving.  When someone I care for and love tells me they are hurting, I will drop everything and offer my shoulder and just listen.

Sometimes all we want is to be heard and acknowledged.  There is never anything trivial about someones pain as well.  However inconsequential it may seem, to that person the effect can be devastating.  I know that if someone treats another’ s pain as unimportant or relays the message to ‘just get over it’, this can be very damaging as well.  It makes one feel invisible at times and unimportant.

We are all important.  We all feel.  We all want love and need love.  We all desire touch.  It is part of the human experience, it is part of being the human animal.

We are by nature, social creatures.  Yet we now live in a world that seemingly puts us behind a computer screen, or an iPhone, or and iPad, or some other miraculous piece of technology that we can interact with other humans through.  And yet so many lonely souls.  We are all connected, and it is not the world wide web that binds us.

It is the human emotion known as love that binds all of us.  It does not matter what culture you are raised in or religion for that matter.  They all acknowledge and desire this one thing…love, as do we.

It comes in so many different colours and flavours and shapes and sizes.

One thing that I have learned over the last 1 1/2 years particularly is to not be afraid of it.  Not to fear giving love and receiving it.  To offer it in all its many forms.  I was so afraid of being hurt that didn’t allow myself to be loved in the first place.

The heart is much stronger than I ever gave it credit and the abundance that is there, well I just want to share it.  Funny, I had a conversation with James,  a healer I have been working with not too long ago and I said that I had this abundance of love to give and share and I was afraid that no one would want it.  That is precisely why I have held back.  So I just need to put it out there.

And so I say, “I am here…and I love you.”

Enjoy your day everyone.

Beige on beige


One of those somewhat subdued kind of mornings for me.  I pulled a muscle in my neck yesterday so I passed on the gym this morning as I don’t want to aggravate it and possibly make it worse.  I should be okay to run tomorrow though.

I am wearing precisely how I feel today.  Beige on beige.  Feeling very bland, very one dimensional.  Sometimes I guess I feel that I try so hard, perhaps I try to force the changes I want to make with self.  I don’t know.  Today is just a very reflective day.  We can’t feel on top of the world everyday I suppose.

I guess when you work at something so hard and you just want to be seen and accepted but everyone just keeps walking past you.  Kind of like picking sides for basketball.  You jump up and down waving your hands in the air wanting to scream ‘Pick me’.  Even though you have been practicing and improved your game, you are still looked over.

This isn’t a pity thing, believe me.  It is more of gentle reminder that I really shouldn’t try so hard.  I know where the mentality comes from  That is how I grew up.  Always looking for approval from everyone.  I don’t have to do that, yet I find myself at times falling back into that pattern.

We all have our little idiosyncrasies that we want to change.  I am trying to rewire this particular trait and just pull it back.  No need to jump around excitedly in someones face babbling about something that may only have meaning to me.

I did that with what I like to refer to as my ‘beach moment’.  Last  summer I went for a walk down at English Bay and I had stopped and was looking out at the water.  My feet had sunk into the sand up past my ankles.  I had this rush of energy, like nothing I have felt before, course through me.  In that moment I felt so connected to everything…it was wild!  I pulled out my cell phone and took a picture to try and ‘capture’ the moment.

For about 3-4 months after this occurred I would tell people about it and I would pull out my cell phone and show them the picture and be totally animated in the telling while they looked at a picture of the water.  To them it was just a picture of the water.  Nothing more.  For me it was an experience.  And I began in that moment to understand this matrix, this space-time continuum, this web that binds us.  This energy that is now being acknowledged by the scientific community.  This life force.  It was that moment of awareness, of finally starting to ‘get it.’

There is nothing wrong with being passionate and wanting to share with people, however, not everyone wants to share in this and they don’t necessarily want me shoving a photo in their face babbling excitedly about the fifth element and so on.

This is just a brief example of what I need to reign in on.  Perhaps if I have a more subtle approach and if they ask then I can share.

All I can do is try to be more mindful of this in the future.

I hope you all have a great day.  Thanks for stopping by.