Who am I and why am I here?

Ah yes, that age-old question that we all seek to answer during the course of our lifetime.  This morning I was considering some of my annoying habits.  There are a few that just seem to have ingrained themselves into my being.  The first correlates directly with the above statement.

I have this incessant need to explain everything.  This manic requirement to justify why I feel a certain way, why I said a certain thing, why words that are totally inappropriate slip from my lips, why I laugh when I think I should cry.

And yes, I ask myself who I am and what my purpose is from time to time, though I really try to steer clear of it.  It feels like a question on a test, doesn’t it?  Should there be multiple choices for the answer?  No, this one is an essay answer.  And I guess there really is no definitive response now is there?

I change and shift all the time according to the world around me and what influences my line of thought.  Am I the same person I was a week ago?  Actually, I am.

What I am finding is that at the core of my being I have always been the same.  What has changed and continues to do so is how I respond to the world around me.  We are at an early age molded into the expectations of our society at that time.  When I went to school young girls were not expected to do exceptionally well.  As long as you received a passing grade this was more than acceptable.  I was being groomed to be a good girl and find a man. I was to get married, manage a household and look good all the while.

Being the rebel that I am, I failed miserably and did not live up to these expectations at all.  Indeed, I slept around, never married, had a child out-of-wedlock and gained a horrendous amount of weight and looked just awful and felt worse.  It took me some twenty years or more to figure out how to operate a household budget to boot.

I didn’t set out to be a non-conformist…I just happened to be a run-a-way train that was continually derailing it seemed.

And society continues to make its demands on what it expects from those that want to move through it successfully.  And I have to wonder who makes this shit up?

I am, by nature, very simple.  At birth, I was a point of light, a being enraptured by the beauty and expanse of this endless universe.  Curious and playful with a deep love of all that surrounds me.  And that is me in a nutshell really.

That sense of self was buried for a long time in anger and fear.  Perhaps that’s part of the experience in the human equation. I think about trends.  We are told how to look, what to eat in order to look like that, how to dress.  Books line the stores telling us how to have it all.  Books on the ‘Laws of Attraction’ have become huge.  Follow these simple examples and you too, will have all the riches you’ve ever dreamed of!  I often wonder why they always push the material wealth as a selling point.

Ever wonder why we aren’t all mulch-millionaires by now?

Like many of you I read some of these books.  I did so more out of curiosity than anything else.  I am not a particularly material person to begin with so extreme wealth really has no personal interest to me.  What I found with these books was that they often parroted each other.

It sounds simple enough.  What you put out to the universe will be returned.  Not an easy thing to do though.  Once you start to look at the strings of energy that bind all of us, of the how they vibrate and how they affect each of us not just individually but collectively as well, then the complexities of the theory increase exponentially.  And are you seeking your signature in all this or chasing an idea that has been fed to you?  Hence the question, ‘Who am I?’

Perhaps that’s the key to all of this but I do know it’s not that simple.  I have listened to tapes that encourage repeated use so that you’ll have the messages hardwired.  Several years ago there was a program called ‘In Pursuit of Happiness or Perfection’….not sure which.  A woman I worked with paid $500 to attend this program.

She changed radically, after that week-long program and not in a good way.  One of the things the program encouraged was to surround herself with the people she wanted to be like.  It became very apparent that I was not one of those people.  Conversations that had once been enjoyable began to have a more obligatory feel on her end until I just didn’t bother engaging in the relationship at all.

I don’t know what happened with her.  I know she divorced and from there I can’t say.

I guess I looked at it this way.  I have to like who I am first and foremost and that’s what I have worked on.  As for why I am here?  Why for the journey, of course.  To watch the magic of each day unfold and be a part of it.

As for my annoying habits…and there are a few, I am working on them.

Enjoy your day and thanks again for stopping by.





In Training (Day 73)…..Body Talk

body image“Don’t panic.  Just rest.”

That was the message that followed me into the sleep realm last night.  My rather manic sensibilities have been running roughshod over me this past week.

The fact that I have missed what I consider vital training with my running I am equating with the feeling that I need to write test and have inadvertently fallen behind in my studies.

When I was younger and such occurrences took place I would stay up all night studying.  I would try to cram as much information into this grey abyss (a.k.a. brain) of mine.  By the time I got into my class and sat down for the test it was evident that I was coming in for a crash landing.  I am not one to learn by simply reading.  I cannot memorize the words, numbers, equations or phrases that are on the page.

I am and always have been a visual learner.  Even with mathematics I need to see a visual of what is missing or what it is we are seeking.  It took me many years to understand this about self.  That I could study and study some more only to have the information slip through into the sea of neurons unable to be accessed unless I could find that visual trigger that would resurrect the information and provide the bridge.

I think that is what I loved about reading books.  A good book provides such splendid visual effects for me.  We recently talked about this at one of my writing groups.  As a writer, do you want to provide exact detail as to one of your character’s appearances?  I think not.  Just give me the basics then let me visualize how I see them.  We then described some of the characters we had been reading about and it was interesting how differently each of us saw the characters that we were reading about.  Of course they had the dark hair or eyes. But some of us saw the person as tall and willowy, and others earthy and plain.

It is always interesting and of course I am deviating completely from today’s topic but then I tend to do that.

For a quick recap as I may well have lost you at ‘hello’ , I am equating my training for a 1/2 marathon with studying for a major exam and examining the parallels that exist between these two events and how I am finding myself responding much in the way I would have to a test back in the day.

Makes about as much sense as a mud puddle, yes?  Good!  You are with me then!

The thing was to listen to my body.  If it wants to rest, let it.  Nobody can function on high energy all the time.  The body is much like the tides.  There is an ebb and flow.  Right now the tide is out for me but it’s coming back in.  I just can’t rush it else it will be too much and just as quickly as the tide comes in it will sweep back out.  So a lesson has been learned.

Last week I think I did way too much in terms of exercise having been sick the week before.  I doubled up a couple of days hitting the gym in the morning, running in the evening and doing Yoga in the evening.  So while I was feeling the strength return, I was expending it as quickly as it could accumulate.  By the time last  Sunday came about I had no reserves left in the wellness and energy department and the body shut down.

So this week I will let the body heal and take it a bit slower.  Yes, I will workout but no doubling up.  Yes, I will run but I will really take it easy.  Movement is the key factor.  If I must do walk / run then I will.  I have my first race this weekend and it is an 8 km race.  I need to respect the distance regardless and prepare accordingly.

If I don’t then just as what happened with those tests of long ago, I will flat line.

The body is talking to me all the time and I need to listen better.

Enjoy your day people.  Thanks again for stopping by.

Body Talk