Emotion and Bullshit

face pain 1I’m sore and aching.

This is becoming common place now and it totally sucks but I’ve got to push through this.

Hell, if I could work through the ails of chemotherapy and radiation then I can work through the pains of a soft tissue injury a result of the car accident.

I’m feeling a great deal of stress.  I was offered just $5,000.00 for my car.  Yet a part of me feels I should get more.


The plan had been to trade it in on a new vehicle in a year or two.  That is the approximate value I would have expected.  Still, that was down the road and in another universe.

Headaches have been occurring daily, sometimes a few times a day.  I don’t get headaches typically and these are making me feel akin to a space cadet.  At work I’ve made herculean efforts to maintain my focus and it has literally been exhausting.

There is no choice in this.

Some will say I should stay at home…rest up.  And do what?

sad mouse 1

I’ve been blessed or cursed, I’m not too sure which, with a brain that just doesn’t stop.  I look for and try to still and quiet this mind of mine but it isn’t easy.

Even in meditation it’s hard to keep the mind still.

And this job is too important.  I’m committed.

I will be attempting to launch the book this weekend.

And yes, I’ve worked really fucking hard for this.

I have to put my training and running back on hold…again.

This is a major piss off.  A few short weeks ago I joined my running group again and was so bloody emotional that I found myself in tears.  I was so happy to be back, to be re-building.

Now I have to suck it up and push through again.

pain 1

It could be worse though and I know that.  Hearing that my vehicle sustained $7,000 to $9,000 in damages was a total shock.  That little of car of mine served me well right up to the bitter end.

I’m pissed off that liability hasn’t yet been ‘officially’ determined.

I’ve pondered the question a few times of hiring a lawyer but that would be a whole other animal.

The thing is I don’t want this to consume my life.  I just want to be well again and carry on.

I simply want to be treated fairly.

I’ve conceded that $6,000 is a fair price for the car. I was pushing for $7,000 but in truth this is not a realistic.

Yes, I feel indignant and I feel shit on in this situation.

I hurt.

body pain

Corporations have that impersonal thing about them that make my skin crawl.

You become a number, a statistic.  Nothing more and I resent that.

And because I didn’t get ‘upgrades’ my car is somehow worth less?

Am I paying for good looks or quality?

Do I need a surround sound system in my car, a TV, a GPS, or any number of the other technological wonders that come with our cars these days?

No.  I need and want a reliable, safe and dependable vehicle and that is what I had.

I didn’t need the bells and whistles. I find them distracting.

And yet I feel I’m being punished for my choice in wanting simplicity.

heads up

And I want to know how having a car that will warm my ass up at a moments notice is an ‘upgrade’.

Perhaps if I lived in a climate that was prone to extremely cold conditions then I could see this as a sought after feature in a car.

The other night I pushed the button inadvertently and well, the warming of the seat induced a hot flash.

Some of the upgrades that are being offered up are of concern.

Cars can now ‘see’ so if your are drifting off into another lane it will advise you.  Cars can park themselves.

So tell me, do these features make a better driver or a co-dependent driver?

Know if you are drifting into another lane because you’re exhausted…coming out of that state can be a little disorientating.


A collision happens in a nanosecond.

In truth, if you are exhausted you should pull over and have a nap.

I’ve always gone with a base model.  I like to drive and I’m good at it.  Air conditioning is not something I need either and I fact it makes the engine work that much harder.  Perhaps if I lived in Las Vegas, A/C would be warranted but up here?

I roll the window down and enjoy the breeze.

The idea is to take care of your vehicle and I did that.

Not once did my car not start the first time.  Nor did I experience one mechanical problem with the engine.

Oh, the brakes were replaced, oil changes and tune-ups were done.

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Toyotas’ are known for their longevity.  At 169,025 km my little car had a lot of life left in it.

I will miss that little green munchkin and will go on record to state that it is the best vehicle I’ve ever owned.

But I have to take the emotion out of what I’m working through regarding the vehicle. I have to be far more factual.

And I will be.




This is my forth day since I walked away from radiation therapy. I felt pretty good earlier but as the day as progressed the pain returned and the fever began to creep back up once more.

I went out to grab a nibble as I really didn’t feel much like cooking. Then again, I don’t really feel much like eating. I’ve got to eat though and once done I’ll head home and curl up with some Ginger tea.

It helps a bit with internal inflammation that I am certain exists.

At the moment I praying to God that no permanent damage has been done and I am feeling decidedly angry.

At no point after surgery could I be told that the cancer still remained in my body.

And I am asking myself about my motivations to move forward with this.

Was I motivated partially by fear? Most definitely.

When told you’ve got cancer, there is no time to think about anything really. All you want is for it to be gone and to live. I spoken before of the overwhelming amount of information that is tossed at you and the worst case scenarios are articulated in great detail.

I was thinking about children with cancer today. They don’t have a say really. They can’t, like I did, just say ‘Enough’ and walk away. Really tough to think about.

And I wonder what has been done to my intestinal tract?

Keeping food down is still delicate. I am hopeful that all will correct itself over the next few days.

Another disturbing question rose to the surface tonight. If they found a cure for cancer through a natural and inexpensive remedy, would they tell us?

The business of cancer is a phenomenally powerful machine.

Don’t get me wrong. I know that hundreds of thousands of people work in the profession and volunteer determined to make a difference. God bless them all.

Research is funded by corporate pharmaceutical companies that make a hell of a lot of money. Natural remedies cannot be patented so the chemicals are mixed and offered up in their stead.

Like you, I’ve almost become numb to advertisements on new drugs.

“Abilfy can assist your anti-depressive medication.  Should your depression worsen or if you have thoughts of suicide contact your doctor immediately.  You may have issues regarding internal bleeding.   In extreme cases you may enter into a coma or die.”


Yes, I am feeling a little bitter.  I am tired of the vague answers to questions that most definitely had merit.

“When are the symptoms so extreme that I should stop (radiation) treatment?”

I was told to listen to my body.

“Will this effect my heart?”

I was told no, it should have no impact at all.

Yet I know that had I continued, and I was guaranteed by the doctor that I would NOT feel any better and may feel worse, the fever could well have persisted.  The nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, bloating, fatigue, etc. would as well.

And I am well aware that should these symptoms carry on for a prolonged period of time damage can occur to the organs and / or they could shut down.

Would this not impact my heart?

I will, thankfully, never know the answer to that question.

Some of the issues that bother me are that at no time was I queried about my cycle or about my menopausal experience.  Uterine cancer is caused by an influx of the female hormone estrogen.  Why are we not trying to find out where the imbalance may have occurred?  Why is data not being gathered to create testing that can provide early detection?  Is there not a way to monitor a woman’s estrogen levels?

My daughter told me a co-worker’s mom had some cancer cells found around cervix after her regular pap test. And what are they doing? They are monitoring her.

I guess at the end of this journey I have far more questions than I do answers.

Hopefully this is the typical fallout of treatment. I just hope things bounce back to normal soon.


A Tragic Ending?

I had an active weekend.  I have been squeezing several social functions in prior to beginning chemo as I’m not certain at this point how I will feel during the process. There are so many people I really want to see and get caught up with and so I have had social engagements which began on Friday after work and carried right through to Sunday afternoon.

Next weekend will be much the same.  And I am quite enjoying all of this.

I also went on the hunt for the perfect wig and I may just have found it and managed to get a Yoga session in as well and it felt fabulous.

My energy levels are increasing daily.  Two minor scars on either side of my belly button exist and will likely fade over time.

Yesterday I met with a couple of women I went to school with and we enjoyed a long afternoon lunch catching up with each other.  A photo of a woman that we went to school with has appeared on Facebook.  She is currently missing as of July 22, 2013. Julie relayed a few details that she knew regarding her disappearance.

Kathleen had been married last year for just five weeks when her husband apparently hung himself.  The fear is she never recovered from the shock and that now a year later she may well have gone down that path as well.

I truly hope not.

I know what it’s like to be locked in dark despair.  I know from personal experience how if feels to be in constant pain.  Not the type of pain from an injury either.  No, it is the pain of a wounded soul.  It is a heart that is so completely shattered. It feels as if everything that you ever were is just bleeding out of you until there is nothing.  Just and empty darkness, a void where you feel absolute nothing but a relentless agony that begs to be silenced.

Fortunately for me the times I made the attempt to end it all, and there were a few, I managed to hit the ‘off’ switch.  And yes, I remember well the emotional pain that pushed me to the edge.  And so I can only pray that Kathleen has somehow managed to hit the ‘off’ switch as well and has not succumbed to a tragic end.

I found my way out of there.  I discovered a beauty in forgiveness that was such a gentle balm. I let it in, allowing it to ease me from a parched wasteland into a vibrant and lush energy that began to fill and consume me.  Then I began to heal.  With each new day a love of this world that I inhabit increases.  Hope rains down in abundance infusing me with a love so deep.

If Kathleen is out there I send her all my love and prayers that she will find her way from this unconscionable pain that has consumed her.

In the book that I am preparing for publication, I do talk of these things.  One of the reasons why I wrote the book was to perhaps reach out to those who find themselves in such a quandary.  Knowing that you are not alone in how you feel can help you to reconnect because I know I felt so detached and isolated.

How do you tell someone you hurt all the time and you don’t know why?  The frightening memories that I had suppressed from my conscious self resided in the dark recesses of the soul fighting to get out.  The more I pushed them down the further I began sink as well.

Reconciling the past and then leaving it where it belongs can be a difficult thing.  I read not too long ago that you can not appreciate the light without being in the darkness.  You cannot appreciate being happy without knowing sadness.  It is true.

Today I feel a sadness for a woman I have not seen likely in forty years.  What I have learned recently though is how our energy touches each other and helps to shape each of us.  I would not be the person I am today without the experiences I gone through.

And I love the person I am becoming. Yes, I am still stumbling along but you know I’ve seen the core of who I am.  I’ve had that moment when, in all my vulnerability, I have seen the simply beauty of my spirit.

No, I am not there all the time.  In fact, it’s really tough to get there, to be in that state of being that knows no want, no need…where the soul is content to just be. Always the challenge of this world and the energy and stimuli that surrounds us all impacts me, but just knowing what resides in my person will always be enough to keep me pushing forward and shedding this ego that still haunts me.

To all of those souls that are hurting, I pray that you will know the simple beauty of watching the sun rise or watching the rain; that you will know the power of forgiveness and the pure energy of love.  Be open to it and it will come.

And to Kathleen…please be well.




How Do You Spell Relief?

Had you told me a week ago that the most difficult and painful aspect of recovering from surgery would have been the return of normal bodily functions, I don’t know that I would have believed you.

Still, it is likely very different for each woman that undergoes a full hysterectomy.  I have been consistent with my walks each day.  My diet has been good and I am ensuring that I get the necessary amount of rest.  The proverbial party girl has been sidelined.  Of course, I jest.

I went off the pain killers as they were turning me into a zombie and causing some serious constipation. I found relief and this seemed to be righting itself.

Saturday morning I woke not only bound up but with a lovely little flare up of those darling little things known as hemorrhoids.  As the day progressed I became increasingly agitated.  In a rather dramatic effort I found some peace.  I had taken the mild laxatives they suggested which doesn’t really mean much when a certain part of the anatomy decides to become inflamed.

And I was told not to push because I could rupture some of the stitches internally.  Oye!

My performance on my toilet seat last night likely resembled a death scene right out of MacBeth.  Yes, it was that dramatic.  At the end of it all I’d had enough of result to offer some relief.  Where are those pain killers?  Yes, I did have to resort to having one.  I was informed by a friend last week who has undergone a hysterectomy about some of the positions I might find myself performing during these sessions.

Last evening’s performance began with some brief theatrics that the Cirque de Solei may be interested in.  I am quickly developing a phobia about my bathroom.  My sleep last night was broken throughout with three visitations to the dreaded throne room.  Each time I awoke with the idea of visiting said room, I found myself quaking in despair.

Entering the kitchen Sunday morning I could smell the coffee my daughter had put on.  She smiled at me “Good Morning, Mom”.

I became a beast, I tell you.  I roared my discontent in a heated repertoire while she smiled soothingly at me.  It is likely the first time in a long while that I have not returned the daily greeting in kind.  We sat then and discussed my condition.  I have never had too many issues with this part of my anatomy.

The hemorrhoids were a result of child birth, but then many people suffer from them.  Our conversation began over coffee of how good it feels to relieve oneself.  She made the super shakes we’ve been drinking.  Yesterday we picked up some chia seeds to add to the mix.  I had not even finished my shake when the familiar rumble began.

Off I went and yes, success was mine!  I strutted back into the kitchen singing an operetta.

I have found a new respect for this ordinary function we all perform and can only pray that the healing will quicken and the body will right itself.

Until then, I shall continue to pay homage to any number of thespians as I continue with my recovery.

Peace out, my friends.

An Ending?

This past week I have reflected on many things.  Much as been thought out regarding where I stand currently in this life of mine and what I am working toward.  We all want to be happy, don’t we?  Sometimes I don’t know about that.

There are still people in my life who unfortunately have remained in a toxic state of darkness.  Now I sit here pondering if I need to sever these relationships or do I continue on as I have.  Offering support that is never taken, offering ideas that are always shot down, offering hope that has always been dismissed.

Can I walk  away?

The following poem is directed to a family member.  My wish has and always will be that she find solace and peace.

Dear Lorraine…

You sit alone in darkness,

And wonder why I won’t come in,

I spent too many years there,

It is its own hell for sure,

Now I’m telling you there is a way out,

Yet you embrace the darkness like a lover,

And it’s killing you.

The divide has become deeper,

All you have to do is try,

It really is just that simple,

You have a choice.

You spit out insults with no regard as to where the barbs may land,

An angry epitaph to the pain that binds,

I understand this and know how the soul bleeds out.

You stand before me telling me how everything was taken from you,

All the wrongs that have been done and the list is long,

Real and imagined.

Each word I offer in support is twisted to a judgment of sorts,

Let me ask you this,

Did you ever once fight to keep what you held so dear?

Did you ever once take a stand?

I’ve watched you sink ever deeper in your despair,

Validating every wrong done to you by allowing them the shape you.

And in this dark and forbidding hell you’ve become so bitter and cold,

I see the spirit crushed and want nothing more than to wrap you in love.

It is met with hostility.

Where do we go from here?

We have a choice.

I found the power of forgiveness long ago,

A sweeter balm I have never known,

How do I tell you this is where it starts when you look at me with condemnation,

How do I invite you into the light when you have hung onto the ugly tendrils of a life forfeit?

So many opportunities afforded to you,

Yet you’ll challenge me on each one named,

Like a badge of misguided remorse you remind me time and again of who took these from you,

Yet you could change this,

You have a choice.

Now I sit and wonder,

Can I continue on watching your slow death?

Never have I been angry…just sad.

So I’ll hold my hand out one more time and pray that you will take it,

I can no longer be witness to your demise.

The time has come to make a choice.

It is hard thing to watch a family member who chooses not to help themselves.  More difficult is the decision to walk away.  To let her know that I am always here should she decide to make some changes, but I can’t do it for her.  Always that has been the issue.  I know that this will be viewed as abandonment on her end.  Another mark against me.  That I am judging her.  I am not.  Always I will love her, but I don’t think I can take being in that toxic cesspool she has chosen has her life.

I take one last shot then I must walk away.  Each time I leave her residence, I feel its stain on me.  Yet she has become so comfortable in its carnage, becoming a part of it.

My prayers will always be for her to find some peace in her life.

A Healing Plan

Has day four begins in the healing plan, I am contemplating for the first time how I feel about all this.  Physically I feel weaker. Even the words that typically cascade through my grey matter and end up on this screen seem to be at the bottom of an abyss these days and a part of me feels a little too lazy to dig down and retrieve them.

It could be the drugs, it could be body’s need to rest.  I do get sleepy quite easily.  It could be the heat.  It could be a combination of all of the above.

My daughter asked me the other day how I felt.  Did I feel hollow?  Could I tell nothing was there? I don’t think hollow would be the descriptive text I would use in this case.  Anyway it is too early to give an accurate telling.  I had reconciled that this part of my anatomy would be removed.  I’m cool with it.

A healing plan is in place. I am out walking a four block loop twice a day.  We are eating an uber healthy diet and I am being the best little patient, ever!

Vancouver entered into a heat wave this weekend as well, so part of the lethargy that I am feeling no doubt can be attributed to this.  Apparently I will no longer have hot flashes, which excites me to no end.  Can it be true? At the moment though I feel as though I am a singular sweat gland that has not closed in a millennium.

I am sitting here, eating my fruit salad and trying to stab a grape with my fork…it’s not going so well.

And what can I share with all of you that may be of interest in this experience?  Well,  there is a deeper resolve now to follow my passions.

At the end of this six week healing plan I will take my daughter out for a celebratory dinner and enjoy a brew or two.  I may decide upon a particularly good vintage as well. Vasser Felix Shiraz, look out!

Then I will be introducing the body to the gym again, to running, to movement. I will enjoy the freedom of it in a body reborn, in a body that is clean, in a body that is healthy.

What do I feel?

At this very moment a part of me knows the cancer is gone.  And there is a quiet joy coursing through me.  I am grateful. I am gazing at my secret garden and contemplating what sex will feel like once I am healed.  As the good doctor said, “Don’t put anything in your vagina for six weeks.”  I smiled at this.  “In other words, no sex?” And she smiled back.  “Yes. Exactly.”

In truth, I don’t feel particularly sexy.  I think that’s a given that having surgery may have dampen the mood, so to speak.  The next week I will be focusing on copy editing.  I was reviewing a few blogs earlier that I follow.  One woman is celebrating three months on here.  She has 42,000 hits and 4,050 followers.  This is still a part of blogging that I don’t really understand.  The marketing of it, developing traffic.  I suppose in time I’ll figure it out.  In the meantime, I’ll keep at it.  Much to focus on in the next week.

Enjoy your day all!

The Anatomy of a Runner & the Fears of a Woman

I suffered an injury.  On the last run with my clinic on Tuesday evening prior to the 1/2 marathon this weekend, I pulled a muscle.  I have never injured myself previously.  Yes, I have had a few aches and pains, but nothing of note.

It was a simple run.  Very low-key.  We were running in Zone 1-2 and we ran 15 minutes out and back.  We  turned and on the way back in I felt that subtle twist in my lower calf muscle.  I slowed my running and tried to run it out but it began to burn so I stopped and walked I out.

After a few minutes it felt better so I tried to resume running.  The pain shot through the back of my calf muscle and well, I felt a certain sinking feeling.  So I have been nursing the leg back to health.  At the moment, it feels tight, but not painful.

I will do this run regardless whether I have to walk or crawl.  At the end of the day, it really is about finishing what you started.

Nothing throughout this experience has gone as planned.  What I do know is that I must finish it.

Since the whole reproductive issues cropped up I have been somewhat bloated.  In fact I gained a little weight oddly enough.  And you know, I don’t mind that so much..  What I now understand is that this experience has taken me to a whole different level.  It has given me an even deeper understanding of the human condition.  Why we drive ourselves.  What we hope for.

Running is something we all can do.  As children we did it effortlessly it seemed.  There is just this natural ability that seems to be born in all of us.  I was thinking back to when I became sedentary.  I loved running when I was young.  Loved the freedom I felt in it.  Then life got in the way.  The burden that I accepted at that time was not mine to bear.  Unknowingly I did and in so doing I let the weight of it hold me back.

Many of the runners I have come to know over the last few years tell me how much this simple act has changed their life.  So I know I am not alone in finding a certain spirituality in this activity.

Running has made me look deeper inside myself than ever before.  And when it gets tough, I look deeper still.

I just want my legs to be strong enough to carry me the final stretch of this journey.  This is a marker, a milestone on the continuation of my evolution.

Oh, there will be other races, other challenges but this is my first 1/2 marathon.  At 55 years of age knowing that I can do this still amazes me.  It is because of what my past entails that I feel this way.

I have fought hard for every victory in my life so why should this be any different?  What I do know is that injury or no, I will be out there.  And I am going to let the mind, body and spirit enjoy the moment.  I will let the life source that surrounds me infuse and encourage me.  I will let the spirit of the horse guide me.

The fears of the woman will continue to dissipate.  I can and will do this.  The body is a remarkable machine that is always shedding and renewing itself.  The spirit is the engine that drives me and the mind is what joins the two.  I am blessed to be at this pinnacle in my life, that I somehow muddled through to this point.

The spirit of the runner has taken centre stage now.  No longer will it allow the woman to delay or forfeit a challenge.  And you know, for me running is one the most personal things I have ever done.  When I am out there doing it, I am naked to this world.

Many times I have cried over the exhilaration that I feel.  It is usually when I am on my own.  The cleansing of the soul, the reinforcement of love and the freedom to share this.  If this sounds deep, know that it is.  Because even as I write this the tears are stinging the back of my eyes.

Yes, I have a passion for this thing we call running.  Describing to you what it has given back to me is sometimes difficult because I end up having a rush of words and emotions wash over me when I think about it.

I am excited.  This is going to be so good!

Peace out everyone.


In Training (Day 34)….Essence

Our favorite day of the week has arrived.  Friday.  That erstwhile day we all get to exhale the week’s worth of stress as it winds down and leads us into the weekend.  Or at least that is kinda, sorta the theory behind it.  I slipped out into the dark of morning for my run with the temperature hovering around zero.  A thick frost was on the cars and rendering the blades of grass motionless and white.  Under the yellow street light the streets glistened like diamonds.

Man, I love running in weather like this.  Stars were peeking out at me and I exaggerated my breath so that it came out in billows of steamy white puffs.  Smiling I greeted the world around me and began my run.  I fell into a rather meditative and contemplative frame of mind today.  One thing I noted is that nothing has ever come easy to me.  Perhaps that is the point.  Perhaps that is why we set challenges for ourselves.  I thought about running, of when I introduced myself to this activity again.

At times the physical pain felt was excruciating.  Yet I didn’t let that stop me.  I accepted that the pain was in some way necessary.  With each level of accomplishment completed I would raise the bar a little higher.  Now I have raised the bar yet again.

I have changed the course of my Friday run a bit.  Now the first third of the run is going up a gradual hill.  I wondered if it is more difficult to go up an incline that is stretched out over several blocks than running up a hill that is steeper, but substantially shorter in distance.  The gradual hill at times feels like it is more challenging.  But in each of the courses there is the point where it levels off.  I don’t have to work so hard now.  The body is warmed up, the pores are open and the breath becomes stable and then the run is just pure bliss.  The hard part has been overcome and now the reward is the freedom I feel in this movement and the place it takes me to.

Last night I met with my writer’s group and had an interesting conversation with a gentleman about religion.  We were discussing our writing projects.  He explained that he was, through his writing project, seeking his essence.  He is of the Islamic faith and when he moved to Canada, a host of things presented themselves causing him to question his place in this world, his existence.

At one point he stated that I had ‘closed the door on religion’ because I related a few incidents in that I found religion to be confining and judgmental.  Now at no time did he ask me what my beliefs were and I did not ask this of him either.  Yet there was this assumption on his part that I was in essence denying a part of myself because I had turned away from religion.  Curious I thought.  I told him that I looked at all religions and noted their similarities rather than their differences.  He liked this statement. The other curious thing in this conversation that stood out was that he referred to God in the masculine the entire time.  I left this alone as well.  In my mind it is irrelevant.

As I was driving home last night it occurred to me as well that he did not ask me if I believed in God or not.  So it was an interesting conversation where subtle assumptions were made.  I enjoy conversations of this nature as I can also reflect on my points.  What I was trying to relay to him was that truth is in fact very subjective.  We do have absolute truths as I have discussed before but if there is one thing I love, it is engaging others opinions regarding this.  It is our humanness that is so unique to each of us that I delight in sharing.

And as I ran through the morning I gazed at the point where the parallel lines of the sidewalk seemed to meet.  It occurred to me that while my eyes tell me they are in fact joined at a certain point, I know this to be untrue.  I know this is just perception and that the lines will in fact never meet.  Yet the eyes see a different reality.

How we interpret information may vary and what we take from it can direct how we live our lives.  At some point though, I think we will all find that absolute truth that we seek, that is our essence.  Perhaps that is the just the simple of joy of being human.  Embracing the journey we have been set upon that will ultimately lead each of us to where it is we need to be.

Happy Friday everyone!

In Training (Day 31)…Expectations

Good Morning!  This day started with me being pulled from an incredibly deep sleep.  The alarm was making its typical rude sound but even as the eyes opened and focused on this intrusion, it took several more seconds for the illuminated numbers to register as the time.   When this acknowledgement finally came a thought struck me as to why I would want to get up at 4:45AM.  Finally being pulled from slumber I begrudgingly muttered, ‘Gym‘.

I hit the snooze button.  Definitely needing the extra 10 minutes this day just to wake up.  The body was still in a dream somewhere experiencing the sensation of water and hands moving over it.  The mind was still partially there as well and I wanted to slip back to that place.  Even as this thought occurred I knew I could not.

There was a gentle rain falling on the drive in.  I got to thinking about how I had spoken of my physical limitations the other day.  Then I wondered why we note what we can’t do rather than what we can or what we have done.  Perhaps I was thinking restrictively about my physical well-being.

Just because my hips locked up on me should not cause me to abstain from physical activity on a Saturday.  I just have to ensure that the body is given the rest it needs before I challenge it yet again.  I have already far exceeded what I thought I would be able to do physically again.  So why not see just how far I can go with this thing?  I want to be the healthiest I have ever been in my life in every aspect.

Why put limits on what I can do?  If I experience physical pain then of course I need to pay attention.  This is simply a signal that the body isn’t quite up to the task I had set for it and that I need be back up a bit.  Perhaps stretch a little more; prepare a little more.  I need to get to know this vessel that I house.  I need to nourish, replenish and respect it.  God knows, at times I have not been kind to this body of mine.  And yes, I have certain imbalances that need to be compensated.  I have a crooked foot so running for me has my right foot landing on the outer side and rolling inward on an angle.  Makes the gait a little awkward but that’s okay.

Let’s blow the lid off of the limitations shall we?  I can’t think like that anymore.  What I need to adopt is that I have the expectation to be fully engaged in each moment of my life as it occurs.  To appreciate the rapture and just let myself drown in it.  To open myself to the energy that surrounds and become it.

And even on those days when reaching certain goals proves more of a challenge than others then I will just do what I am able to at that time.  It is not a limitation and I can’t view it as such.  There are days when I feel like I could run forever.  Does that mean I should?  It is never the same on any given day.  Nor should it be.  So I will move forward with this evolution of mine.  Who knows where it will take me?


The Midnight Hour

As of late social justice and that place of equality and harmony have invaded the grey matter. The desire to reach out to my fellow beings who are experiencing their life during the same time period as I am and wanting to see us get to a place of….

And I wish I could fill in the blank. I wish I could say where we need to go, what we need to do and how we need to do it to get there. But wouldn’t that spoil the journey if I did know? The delight in discovery is the best part so please, don’t tell me the ending, if there even is one.

It’s just this idea, this vision, this thought. It excites, gets the neurons fired up and wanting to experience…what?

I want to throw it open and collaborate and exchange ideas and thoughts and emotions and feelings and….I want to expand and grow.

It’s been a quiet day for me. Solitary. Editing. Contemplative. Alive. Ruminating. Planning. Desire. Want. Need.

All these things running through me. The simplicity and the complexity running parallel to each other. At some point they join together, or do they?

And I think about this thing we call social justice and I think about this thing we call life and I wonder just what precisely do I want from all of this. Interesting thought really. But you know, in the midnight hour, which is what I am approaching as I write this, I want love. I want this to invade the very core of my being. I want to emulate this in all that I do

Does it sound silly? I don’t know. Can you find an equal plane for all of us?

I think about the world order, I think about homelessness, I think about gun usage, I think about war, I think about unemployment, I think about energy, I think about being alone, I think about fear.

And I wonder how to fix all these things. How to stop them. How to correct them. How to change them. Can it be done?

And who am I to think that I could possibly influence such a movement. But then I thought it has to start somewhere. Yes?
That idea that we can come together as a people, as a global family. That we can forget about our gods, forget about our differences, forget about hate, forget about hurt, forget about class, forget about race…and just come together as humans.

And what do we all want? After the basics are met. Once we are fed and are clothed and dry in a warm bed at night. What do we want?

In the midnight hour as the man a few doors down curls up in his sleeping bag in the enclave of a doorway, as the hooker gets her fix to help her forget for awhile why she’s there, as the child covers her ears from the onslaught of the yelling coming through the walls and as a thousand hearts break at the news of yet another shooting. What do we all want?

A woman passes with her dog in tow. Out for a midnight pee. She is absent from this. Mechanical. The dog is sniffing, exploring, wanting and she is oblivious…gazing in windows, the expression listless, somewhere else?

Voices create a sound, with no sensibility. Music plays over the hum. Words ignored in their plaintive wail. They beg, plead for what we all want.


And why is this so hard? Why is does this seem so monumental a task? To open our hearts…to a just be.

Twenty-six people lost their lives. Twenty were children just beginning in this world. The President brings up gun control and the masses head out to the store to stock up on their assault rifles. Why? Please explain this. What am I taking from you if I tell you cannot own a gun that can release a magazine of 30 rounds within a minute.

In the midnight hour I wonder how we got to this point. And I wonder what we are afraid of that we need to house such things as guns. Do they make you feel safe? Have you ever thought how you would feel if you shot another being?

I don’t know. I am trying to wrap my head around this mindset. Trying to put myself into that sense that I have this ‘right’ to own this thing that kills. Oh, I have heard the statement bandied about. ‘Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.”

And what pray tell, is the purpose of the gun? And just to remind you, there is a person at the other end using the gun.

Put down your weapons. We don’t need them. We never did. We are creating these fears to do what? Keep the masses inline? For what exactly?

This only separates and divides us further. And I know that I am not the only person that has this line of reasoning.

And in the midnight hour as I make my way home with the rain now falling in earnest, the umbrella providing this shield from becoming completely soaked. I walk through the deserted streets of New Westminster to my home and curl up in my bed alone. And I think how nice it would be to have the warmth of someone that I love and that loves me reaching for me. And I wonder why it is that I am still alone. And I wonder when this will change. And I wonder how I can make this change. And I think about the man curled up in a doorway and the hooker getting her fix.

I think about the hurt we all have felt and how we all want acceptance. How we all want love and has sleep claims me I hope that we will all find it.

Goodnight all. May all your dreams come true.