Just Checking In: Re-Boot the Mission

dreams 2

A few years ago I was gripped by an awakening of monumental proportions. I was certain there was no going back.  I had found the path to enlightenment and I was dancing dizzily into the light. I wandered along merrily dipping my toes into this modality and that modality.

I was intoxicated with the energy that ripped through me on a daily basis.  The mind was so fertile just waiting for the seeds I had so carefully planted and nurtured to blossom. Thoughts were turning into ideas and these began to just explode.

How do I contain this or is it even possible?  How do I channel the energy into factual results?  How do I take this and turn it into life?

There is something to be said for such awareness.  It’s rather static in a sense.

Having mapped out where I thought I was on this life journey of mine, I began to focus on the areas that I really needed to work on. I jumped into a vacuum of workshops designed to help me find the directions that were necessary to continue on in my evolution.  Many of the workshops I first checked out held very little purpose for me personally.  Eventually though I found the ones that targeted the areas that had me all tangled up.

And as I puzzled my way through, I had some stellar moments of clarity and insight.

I had this sensation that everything was new and fresh.  Things that I saw and experienced everyday suddenly seemed so very different.  I was looking at everything in a way never before.

For a good year I basked in this warm glow of discovery.  Every morning held a sunrise never before witnessed and every night held dreams never before imagined.

I derived joy from the simplest of things.  Yes, I was definitely way up on the happiness scale.

It is, however,  highly unlikely for anyone to remain in such a state of perpetual happiness.  Oh, you can be content and balanced and experience the quiet joy each day brings you.  Of this I have no doubt.

When that year of incredible awakening began to wane I didn’t panic and try desperately to hang on to it.  I simply let it go.  Everything moves in cycles, including me.

I’ve been considering how to deal with my verbal expressions.  Time to peruse some workshops that are beneficially in this regard.  I think too, I wouldn’t mind improving upon my listening skills as well.

I am good at listening.  Too often though, I’ll jump ahead and begin offering up solutions that were never requested.  There is this innate desire to fix the issue, correct the problem, have the remedy all laid out with a set of instructions to boot.

So the challenge is to take these well meaning ways of mine and turn them into something that is a little more solid and subdued.  A little more grounded maybe.

I don’t have to save the world. And if I did, would everyone like it?

And then a rather intriguing thought slipped in as I was writing this post.  Perhaps, just perhaps I was becoming too focused on my self perceived shortcomings and blockages. Seemingly I got the idea that there were just these few things that still needed ‘correction’ and then I would simply shine like the North star on a cloudless night.

Before me a thousand images moved randomly.  Each began as a pinhole now emerging as a collective that danced across the spans of time.  Forward they moved restlessly, transposed, disposed, changing constantly they melted into each other.  And I stood breathless, mesmerized.  The images flowed into my being, merging now to become one.

And I was whole.

Time to re-boot the mission.


And there I was at the finish line but really I was at the beginning…

I have been reflective as of late thinking about all that I have managed to do in a relatively short period of time.  Despite the health issues that have come up, despite the emotional house cleaning that was necessary (and man, was my emotional closet ever a mess!), I have really toughed it out and pushed through.

When I started this blog no one had ever really read any of my writings before.  I had been expressing myself via the pen for the majority of my life.  This had been my voice for a very long time.  What I could not say verbally could be found bleeding onto the page.

I started this blog the day after having heart surgery.  Those of you who have been with me close to two years now may recall that I spoke of this in the beginning.

Yesterday I read back a few of my posts.  They are interesting as they capture my mindset at a particular moment in time.  Somehow I navigated into some more emotional revelations and then into this whole cancer thing.  As I have said early this week, I feel as though my life is righting itself and yet, as chemotherapy looms around the corner, I wonder how long this sense will remain.  I hope it sticks around for a bit.  Think I am going to need it.

I went back to my first post today.  A hopeful woman was sitting on her sofa that day tapping out her imaginings. Here is the opening statement from that post.

‘What I hope to share with everyone who decides to share in this experience with me is the sense of renewal and the excitement of the road ahead.  And I have no idea what that looks like but the idea of it is exhilarating none the less. 

The Power of One…that connection…how many people do you come into contact on any given day?  What energy are you parlaying to them?  Are you reaching out for that endearing sense of human contact or are you drawing back from it?  It is amazing if you stop and think how many people you actually interact with on any given day and even more exciting is what you can perhaps share with them. 

Think about it.  We will never be in the exact same place at the exact same time in the course of this world turning ever again.  This moment will never come again. There will always be variables that have shifted even if you were standing in the exact same place 24 hours later the energy and the light source coming to us will have shifted. And while we are hurtling through space at 600 miles per hour on this planet that is wobbling its way around the sun, we have this source of energy that just permeates our very being…ours to accept or reject.  We are never still, though we feel we are and there is never true silence in terms of the definition we have provided. Also, we are never alone.

Very recently I have begun to discover this energy and for me it is magic. I will provide a definition shortly but I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself, not just yet.  Right now I am feeling quite giddy and excited and wanting to share all of this….I want to reach out and connect with everyone and everything…and this seems as likely a place to start as any.’

There you have it.  It was at this time that I was accepting myself as a writer and not just someone who loved to write.  The book that was I was just beginning to piece together is now complete soon to be published.

I have run several more races since this blog started including a 1/2 Marathon.  I have continued to reconcile my past leaving the pain of it where it belongs but taking the lessons learned and allowing them to feed and nurture the soul.

I have put posts up that have been extremely emotional.  In all this time I have only removed one as I felt it was far too vulnerable and raw.  Those that subscribe to my blog would have received it.  Perhaps that was a time when I was having a hiccup in terms of behaviour and allowing emotional reflexes to throw me off.

I continue to try to make sense of things that are at times completely irrational.  Perhaps I should just let them be.  And I continue to grow and evolve.  I work to be a kinder and gentler being each day.  I work to be guided by my heart and not my head.

And regardless of the ailments and illnesses that I have been afflicted with I continue to work through them.  And yes, there are times when being the ‘strong’ individual I am is less than appealing.  I would like to have someone who could at times take this burden, even if it is for just a little while, from me.  Just let me cry it out, you know?

It is never a question of saying that it’s ‘not fair’.  Life doesn’t work that way.  Just gotta roll with it.  You’ve all heard it.  If life gives you lemons, best you learn how to make damn good lemonade.

I went back to the beginning to see if I am still on track with the original idea of this blog.  Yes, I am.  The idea was to share in my journey and I have done that.

And this is where I am with just a few days before the next assault on my body begins.  I have reconciled the need and prepared to meet the effects.  Have a great weekend everyone and thanks again for checking in from time to time.


A Hot Spell

The hours are slipping by and as of 11:00 PM we will have broken all records for the driest month  on record. The entire month of July with absolutely no rain.  This trumps everything ever recorded. This one goes to the top of the list.

I got to thinking how we mark time, how we record the simplest of things.  I guess it’s just in our make up.  We certainly have become capable of doing so accurately with the technology that is now available.  Still it comes down to viewpoints and perspectives.

This is likely the flaw when it comes to accuracy.  Can you tell if something has been reported factually and without bias?

I am not certain.

At the moment I am on Commercial Drive.  I was checking out a few shops and stopped in at Fets for a bite to eat.  They’ve renovated and painted over the murals.

I wondered if they had changed ownership.

One of the first times I came here was over twenty years ago.  It was in the evening and the place was packed.  I was alone.

I felt in that moment so very conspicuous. The desire to talk and mingle was fighting to get out that night.  It didn’t happen.

I had been working out.  I had taken off a lot of weight.  I looked great and yet I felt so incredibly exposed and raw.

No doubt the awkwardness that invaded me that evening so long ago prevented any one from approaching and speaking to me.  I made it a point to not make eye contact.

This was my ‘hood for the majority of my life.  It no longer is.  Each time I come down here Commercial Drive becomes more of a stranger to me. I used to know it so well.

Slick pubs, Cafes and restaurants are now are opening.  The eccentric shops and worn out restaurants with possibly the best coffees and food items are fast disappearing.

My head wandered back to Wazubeez’s which is no longer around.  I would head up there on a Saturday night after my shift at the Slocan restaurant.  Sometimes I was joined, other times I was on my own.  I’d have an appy and a couple of pints. I got to know the servers and the DJ’s.  At 2:00 AM I’d head home.

The Drive at one time had a host of characters that roamed the streets.  I don’t know if they still inhabit the area.

At times it seems we are being swallowed by trends and appearances..

And here I am fighting cancer.  Trying somehow in my disjointed way to make sense of all this.   Perhaps I shouldn’t.  It makes no sense really.  It just is what it is.

I suppose I am seeking reassurance.  Looking for some form of comfort in the old familiar.  Funny, but it’s not there anymore.  Things continue to change, as do I.

And I am here in this restaurant, alone as when I first came here, yet I don’t feel the isolation and disparity I experienced before.

Still there is that nostalgia, a melancholy sadness I suppose. Perhaps this expression is rather strong as I don’t want to go back.  And I wonder what we are becoming.

I am fighting my fears once again. God, I am sick of this.

I have a book to release and this latest round with all the cancer stuff just has me feeling suspended.

A strange hysteria wants to erupt at times.  As was the case yesterday when I was advised that 25 rounds of radiations were in order.

And I keep trying to right my world while those closest to me look at me with worried expressions and tears in their eyes.

I am trying to focus on so many things and this insipid cancer thing keeps creeping into my consciousness.

We had another firm move into our workspace with us.  We are now sharing 5,095 sq. ft. of office space.  Libby is my counterpart.  She and I share a job title in our respective firms. I stood in her office and looked at how beautifully appointed it was.  Art pieces, fresh flowers, decorative baskets adorned the space.  It felt warm and inviting, unlike mine.

I have inhabited my space for 4 1/2 years now.  It is plain and impersonal.  Paper stacks, a computer, a printer, pens and calendars litter the area. Schedules are stuck to walls and a host of Post-It notes adorn the space reminding me a million little things that I would surely forget.

I don’t have planters lined up outside my office.  I do have several plants around that are always in desperate need of water it seems  I don’t have the latest in technology, and in truth, I am not really appreciated for  the work I do.

In five years I have had one raise and no bonus in 3 years.  Still, because of my frugal nature I accept the insult.  It is a decent paying job at the end of the day.

Could I do better?  Hell yes. But at the moment I have these health concerns and one thing, my office has been very supportive.

I always hope that I will be acknowledged for what I do but at the end of the day it pays the bills.

I hope the book does well.  To transition into being a wordsmith would be sweet.  Only time will tell if this is the case.

My haircut is a hit.  Oddly enough I was thinking of one of my first sessions with James.  After the sexual aspect of the session, I was looking like Frankenstein’s bride.  Yup, a little scary.

James, in his gentle manner, suggested that I look into a new hairstyle. Of course, in my super sensitive and defensive  manner I got in his face a bit regarding his remark.

Hell, if anyone knows I have got shit for hair at times, its me. And after hot, sweaty sex it is safe to say I am a mess.

All of my little foibles are slowly falling by the wayside.  Slipping off these shoulders that have carried their weight far too long.

Emotions so completely all over the place.  Will I ever get to that state of being that is just content?

I just hope once all this has passed, all the cancer shit, I will have grown stronger and wiser as a result.  Let’s hope.

Thoughts of Terry…

Since surgery occurred sleep has become a casualty.  I’ve not slept through the night in restful slumber once.  My dreams have a been a chaotic mess driven by anxiety, along with physical imbalances and likely energy imbalances as well.  While I had hoped to be more stolid in my approach to my meditations, achieving a quiet mind has been damn near impossible.

I am watching my body become what I am not too certain.  The lack of physical exercise is beginning to affect me.  I had thought I wouldn’t be perspiring heavily any longer but it would seem that I am more often than not in a liquid state.

All part of the healing process no doubt.  I tell myself daily as I rise from my bed and gaze at the reflection of a worn woman in the mirror that ‘  I’ll get through this.  Energy is returning each day.  Soon I’ll be back enjoying the full mobility I had prior to and find that level of health I’ve been seeking.’

Last night I had a cramp in one of my legs. I had managed to go through all of Saturday with no painkillers so I just tried to tough it out. At 6:00 AM I rose and took the damn pill.  At 7:00 AM I gave up trying to get any sleep and put the coffee on.

It is beautiful outside this morning. I’ll be going out shortly for a walk.  I’ve been thinking of the things I need to take away from this experience.  The lessons, the insight gained?

Images of a one-legged runner move through my head.  Terry Fox was so young when he lost his life to cancer.  Yet his bravery and motivation to make a difference and find a cure touched not just a nation, but an entire global community.  I found myself wondering if he cried at night the way that I have sometimes. Did he feel angry that his life was being taken from him despite how hard he fought to keep it.  I would think he did.

My life will carry on.  How I choose to live it and in what capacity is to be determined.  My hope is that when I do leave this world I will leave a positive footprint in my wake.  The aches and pains of healing and of growth will continue on and yes, I will whimper my way through.

I spent a large part of my life trying to convince not only the world but myself too, that I was one tough little cookie.  Not so.  I built the walls up to give the appearance of such, but I discovered that in so doing, not only did I keep out the hurt but love could not grow and flourish either.  It was a very lonely place to be.

When I began to tear down that wall of mine, I released myself from the emotional exile I had unknowingly sentenced myself to.  And oh, the moment of reckoning…of seeing my soul for the very first time in all its vulnerability…my god, what a beautiful experience!

Sleep will eventually return to normal, the physical self will heal.  I will crawl from my bed on Friday mornings once more to run with the world that surrounds me, always with the spirit of horse at my side.  I’ll continue to pursue my passions to write and learn the craft of photography. Always I will strive to be a more loving and caring individual.

If I’ve not said it recently, let me thank all of you who follow these posts of mine. While I learn about these social networks, I want to ensure that anything I do post here comes from my authentic self, from my heart…nothing more.

I suppose as I have researched these sites over the last year, I look to my motivation for doing this.  It has not changed.  It is still an opportunity to practice the craft of writing.  It is an opportunity to share a bit of myself with this world.

And as I move past these ailments that have plagued me, know that I still wake each day with the same child-like exuberance I always do, albeit a bit more sleep as of late.  Being given one more day, one more moment, one more opportunity to get to that point where I can look around me and say, ‘I have enough.  Enough love, enough food, enough joy, enough bliss, enough..’

Blessings.  Namaste.


For the Love of…

dream 4I dreamed of a joy so great,

The world could see me now,

Just as I am,

I was not afraid to say ‘This is me.’

I loved who I had become and who I realized I had always been.

Too many years were spent hiding,

Behind a wall of doubt,

Dreasms1Too many tears were shed,

Absorbing the cruel barbs that were thrown out in judgement.

And I allowed those words into my fragile heart,

Let them settle, fester and burn.

Forgiveness whispered softly to let love in,

That moment of reckoning when you look in the mirror,

And see your own reflection, your own truth,

I opened the flood gates then,

dreams 2The universe poured forth an abundance of love and washed the stains of past judgements away,

And in truth, it was not the words of others that had done the most damage,

But rather my own.

The head a harsh taskmaster on a bruised ego,

The heart opened saying ‘Let go.’

And for love I did.

Now joy is mine, no more a dream,

As I surrender to the light.

dreams 3

In Training (Day 99)….The Other Side of the Mountain

I did it!  My longest run to date.  19 KM in 2:32.  My pace was 8:15.  I’ll take it.

This was one of the last training sessions for the 1/2 marathon with my run group today.  It was by far the most difficult course I have run so far.  I do know that the 1/2 marathon pales in comparison to the route Lara mapped out for us today.  At one point there was a steady hill that covered 1 km.  Trust me when I say it felt a lot more like 2 km to this girl.  And this is one hell of hill!  At the top of it you will find yourself surrounded by some of Vancouver’s most expensive houses and the view likely figures into the price of these homes as well.

Of course it stands to reason that if you are going up hills, at some point you have to come down.  Vancouver is made of rolling hills.  And the first 10 km of this course were rolling up and up some more.

I ran today as a 10 and 1 (run 10 min. & walk 1 min. format).  I will likely do the 1/2 marathon in this manner as well.  At times today I considered cutting the route short.  Each time this thought was produced, I dug down a little deeper, fought a little harder, pushed a little further.  I finally came to the portion of the run that was either on grade or downhill.   For me this is the gravy.  The muscles are tired but they don’t have to work quite so hard.

I ran the last few kilometers based on a fartlek format which is an exercise I have done with my run group.  Basically you run a minute then walk a minute, or run 30 seconds and walk 30 seconds.  I didn’t really do the time thing but rather used markers.  Looking ahead I would tell myself ‘Okay, you are going to run up to that tree / lamp standard / sign, etc.’  You get the idea.  Upon arriving I would walk and look ahead and decide where I was going to walk to.

And I feel really good right now.  I actually am really emotional right now.  This was a big one today.

At times I feel like my whole life has been uphill.  And I am okay with that because it has made me a stronger person in so many ways.  Let me tell you too, whenever you find yourself continually ascending, do stop and enjoy the view from time to time.  Today when I got to the top of Puget Drive, I looked out over Vancouver in all her splendor and smiled.  There is a reason why I love this home of mine so much and today’s gift was just one of the many reasons why.

With each step too, I fought through all the doubt and fear that has seemingly been rather prevalent during this training session.  No, I never considered that this would be an easy undertaking.  And the idea of finishing this race as a….God, I can’t even quite remember now what I was shooting for.  What I can tell you is that this has been one the most challenging and rewarding experiences of my life.  Along with all the little health blips that came along I came to terms with the reason I was doing this in the first place.

I love to run.  It is a gift that was offered for my taking a few years ago and I took it.  I might be slow.  My gait may be awkward with my crooked foot, but I have been blessed in this movement.  Running has given me my life back, enriched it and helped me face some of the most difficult emotional issues in my life.  It gave me the stamina and strength to address some very painful memories and lay them to rest.  And just like running up a hill, emotionally I have come to the top and am looking out over the other side of the mountain.  I gotta tell you it looks pretty damn good from up here.

There is a life waiting for me to live it which is what I fully intend to do.

Thank you for stopping by and have a great day.

In Training (Day 26)….The Facts of Life

As I was laying in the steam room this morning after my workout I got to thinking about why certain things are so hard to face up to and other things are just really difficult to discuss.  I have been something of a master when it comes to avoidance.  I will skirt around an issue and brush up against it.  Then somehow I manage to convince myself that I have dealt with said issue.  To give you an example, one of the BIG issues I have been working on over the last few years has been my fear of intimacy.  I was pretty much celibate for 28 years (just two one stands in that time period).  The disconnect to my sexual self was devastatingly.   When I finally decided to address it I thought that just by having sex again and liking it would correct the issue.  No, not quite.

Thus began the journey to sort out my sexual dysfunction. I needed to immerse myself in the why’s and wherefore’s. I had to understand not only why I had developed certain behaviour patterns, but I also had to identify them and then change them.

It was rather strange at first when I did become sexually active again because I sort of picked up where I left off.  I am a woman in her early 50’s, successful and responsible, and I awakened the side of self that was stuck with a teenage mentality surrounding sex.  I never ‘grew up’ sexually you see.  I do understand the reasons why that is and I won’t go into that now.  That is another story all together.

I have been working through these issues and I am in a far better place now than I was a couple of years ago.  When I first started to address my sexual issues I was so off balance emotionally.  And how to tell your boss that?  How to explain that you feel a bit like you’re losing your head?  Well, in my case, I didn’t say a word.  Not to anyone on the job.  Eventually I would confide in a woman I do work with as we have become close, but for the first year I was just winging it.

At times I found it hard to focus on the job at hand.  One of those little ’emotional echoes’ that I have referred to would show up and I would just feel like sobbing.  Did my work suffer?  To a degree.  My productivity wasn’t as good as I would have liked it.  I do have a rather high standard that I adhere in this regard.  Still, I got the job done.  I always do.

There have been times when I still do this little dance rather than just deal with the issue.  One of the reasons that I took on the challenge of running a 1/2 marathon is quite simply that I need to focus on my physical well being.  In doing this I will be focusing on the issues that continually sabotage the physical self.  Those are the emotional components, the sexual dysfunctions that still exist and the acceptance of self in every way that I have discussed previously that I am working on.

No beer will be consumed during the first four months.  There have been times when the painful facts of life have come up and tossing back a few pints has taken the edge off.  I am just avoiding the issues though, and I know this.  I feel strong enough to get through this last hurdle.

I want to be healthy in every sense.  I want to feel liberated.  I want to become that person I was truly meant to be.  And you know its funny, I will motor along and be doing just great and bam!  I’ll hit the proverbial wall.  Lately I have been hitting it quite a bit.  I am four weeks into my training now and one of the biggest things I need to focus on is trusting myself and being strong enough to show my vulnerability in all its strength.
As I was turning pink in the steam room it occurred to me that I have a tendency to try and win the affections and approval of most everyone I meet and if they don’t take to me, then I will at times make an additional effort to try and win the person over.  What I need to understand is that not everyone is going to like me and accept that its okay.  As long as I like who I am becoming and let that shine through, that’s what matters.

Ah, yes the facts of life.  They are not always quite so factual, are they?

And I continue on, one step at a time.

In Training (Day 23)…Changes

Yesterday was a great day.  I went to my running clinic on Sunday morning.  We were running for 60 minutes so looking at 10k.  In the hour we did 9.5k at a pace of 6.47 per kilometer.  Not bad for the 4th week of training.  I felt strong.  Felt like I had more in me and that, my friends, is something I definitely need. It was a grey morning and the rain held off until the afternoon.  After the run I went to my daughter’s home to clean up.  She fed me breakfast and I showered up then headed down to Stanley Park.  I had signed up as a volunteer for the Alzheimer’s Walk for Memories.

My role yesterday was as a route marshal.  It did rain, though it was at least a light rain.  The heavy rain held off until the late afternoon.  I was stationed with another woman at the final leg of the walk so I had the pleasure of applauding everyone for their efforts.  It was a 5k event.

The final gentlemen was an old man on his own.  The other route marshals came along to advise that we were finished and could return to the pavilion.  This fellow was a bit behind us now so I turned back and took his arm and walked up the hill to the pavilion with him.

He told me that he was 94 years of age!  That just blew me out of the water.  Yes, he didn’t move that quickly but hell, at 94 he just walked 5k in about 1 hours and 20 minutes.  That people is very inspiring to me.

When I departed from his company I told him I would see him here next year and I will definitely come out to support this event again and I hope that I do see him again.

I have had a few major shift occur in the last week.  Ones that have challenged me to look inward.  Ones that have challenged my to take stock of where I am at and if I am happy at this station of my life.

Truthfully, I am not happy where I am at.  I am going to have to step out of my comfort zone and take some chances now.  That is the only way that I will continue to grow.

I have in the last few years developed a confidence in self.  It is not arrogance.  Not at all.  If anything I am looking at how I can better serve the world I live in.  The quest is really on now to find my full potential and to live it.  Always it seems I have these echoes that hold on and seemingly don’t allow me to move forward.

It is a mirage, nothing more.  The fears surrounding success are unwarranted.  You may question the statement I have made but I think it is valid.  If you go through your early years being told you can’t do anything, failure is what you expect of yourself.  When success begins to occur, it is a strange animal indeed and if you are like me, you wait for the bottom to drop out.

When that does not happen a funny thing happens.  You begin to believe in yourself, however small.  Then it begins to grow and blossom.  Soon you find yourself looking in the mirror asking yourself why you didn’t embark upon these changes sooner.

I have been given many opportunities over the years.  I have had to work through the real and imagined issues as they have presented themselves.  I say imagined for the simple reason that at times I have created scenarios in my head as to why I shouldn’t do something.

I don’t think like that anymore.  If I do then I adjust the thought pattern.  And so the changes continue.

Enjoy your Monday everyone and thanks again for stopping by.

In Training (Day 21)…Moving Forward

Yesterday morning I had a great run.  I got up a 5:00 AM as per usual for my Friday run but decided to add another kilometer.  So I did a 6K run.  I would like to build up to 7K over the next few weeks.  I want to make running 7-10K distances a normal occurrence.  I want them to feel like they are less of a challenge, you know?

I am going to begin exploring the route I will be running.  I was talking with a co-worker who ran it last year and she was telling me some of the surprises such as a hill at 18k.  So I am going to get to know the route and its nuances so that I can be mentally prepared as well.

Every runner knows that when you are taking on a new challenge it is as much psychological as it is physical.  I say this too because my co-worker made a comment later about really struggling when she hits the 18k mark of a race.  I asked her if she thought it had anything to do with coming upon that hill in her first 1/2 marathon last year.  She paused for a moment and agreed that might well be the cause.  For example, if you know that a hill is coming you can fuel up for it, slow your pace a bit to prepare for the additional exertion that will be required.

I have made it a point to get to know the route I am running prior to the race.  It just makes sense to me.  Now I know we can’t always do this, but if it is at all possible then I would.  This race will be incorporating many areas of Vancouver.  It starts off going downhill.  From what I understand the first 10-12K is relatively easy and not physically very taxing.  I think I would prefer this to be the second part of the run.  Get all the hard stuff out of the way first, but alas, that is not the case.  So I will need to know where the hills are and where I will be most challenged.

Tomorrow morning we are running a 10K.  I am ready for it.  Later in the day I will be a route marshal for the Alzheimer’s Walk for Memories.  Looking forward to it.

I am making changes in my life these days.  Changes that are necessary for me to continue to grow.  Running has certainly given me an internal strength that has developed into a confidence that I don’t believe I have known before.  There is a sense of simply accepting the next road I need to move toward.

I am up for it and look forward to all that opens before me.  And you know, I am very thankful for all that I have in my life now.  The lessons that have been offered up and what I have taken from them continues to help me expand.

And I hope I can get to that place in my life where I can just be. At a seminar last year a woman told me that she had an ‘enoughness’.  There wasn’t really anything more that she needed in her life.  She felt a completeness.  That struck me and I found myself wondering how I might achieve this state of enoughness.  I’m not there yet.  That I do know.  I am moving in the right direction though.

A funny thing occurred this morning.  I had purchased some Yoga DVD’s.  At least I thought they were all DVD’s.  It turns out one was a CD.  I messed about for 45 min. trying to get the image up.  I called my daughter who asked me if it was a CD.  I felt rather silly in that moment realizing that I had in fact purchased a CD.

I have never been talked through Yoga before.  I didn’t try it either.  I was too stressed from trying to get my zen on that I opted for a hot shower instead.

Technology.  You’ve got to love it.

Wel, enjoy your day everyone.  Onward ho!

In Training (Day 17)…Don’t Worry!

I must say it is strange to be entering into yet another day of heavy fog.  It seems to have descended on our fair City and doesn’t appear to want to leave any time soon.  When I first got to the office this morning it actually appeared to be burning off a bit.  I could see the pale blue sky peeking through.  Now the fog has thickened yet again.  Last night driving home the fog was so thick I had to drive substantially slower as visibility was extremely limited.  This would be really beautiful if I was up top of Grouse Mountain or Seymour Mountain.  Up there the sun is shining and below them is Vancouver nestled in a blanket of fog for as far as the eye can see.  It is really quite spectacular to see.

But I am not up in the mountains but down here in the fog.

Had a decent workout this morning. I am adjusting these now to accommodate my training.  Because I am running tonight, I did 25 minutes on the bike and did the random hills setting then did some stretching and squats.  I worked on my hip flexors as well.  I am trying to make each session in the gym specific to a certain part of the body and I always try to engage the core in these exercises as well.

I was thinking last night about my tendency to worry about certain things and about people who are close to me that I love.  This is something I need to let go of as well.  I have that rescue mentality at times.  You have a problem?  I want to swoop down and fix everything!  What I am coming to terms with is that all I can offer is my support.  I can lend an ear.  I can offer suggestions but at the end of the day the person experiencing the issue must ultimately take the steps to find resolution.

I do have problems of my own of course.  And what I am trying to do is actually find out how I end up in certain messes in the first place.  Quite often it is one of those instances where I have followed certain patterns that have been embedded into my thinking and I ultimately end up making the same mistakes over and over, though they can apply to different scenarios.

That is the other thing that is on the table these days.  And while some of the issues I have been discussing as of late may sound like there are a lot going on that I need to deal with, it isn’t as daunting and overwhelming as it sounds.  Right now I am putting conscious identifying markers on things.  This is an important aspect to my personal growth.  I need to have it all out on the table. The good and the bad so that I can respond accordingly.  And as stated previously, re-write the wiring that is in this head of mine.

I am not just pushing these issues back down and making excuses for them any longer.  I am accepting them and adjusting their nature.  For example, there is nothing wrong with wanting to help people.  I just need to define what I can do to assist and stay within my parameters.  No more co-dependence.  Helping someone can have a negative impact and I want to offer assistance in a positive light.

I have a few things I really need to think on these days.  So it continues.  I need to let these worries evaporate and trust in my heart that resolution will make itself known.

Peace out everyone.