In Training (Day 12)….Why?

Guess I could ask myself why I am going to such lengths to find a higher level of expectations from self.  The answer would likely be why not?  Spending a lifetime accepting mediocrity and settling for…well, just settling.   Why not throw down the gauntlet?  Why not see just what I’m made of?

I am gazing out at a beautiful vista right now.  We have a beautiful sunny winter day going on here in Vancouver.  A fog rolled into the Burrard Inlet and this has lent a rather mystical quality to the view before me.

I had a really good workout this morning and took the time to go for a steam afterward.  As I laid there letting the steam work its way into my muscles, I got to thinking about how reactive I still can be at times.  These odd behaviours just seem to erupt.  I really started to examine the reasons for this as I laid there  it occurred to me that this usually happens when I typically feel insecure for whatever reason.  And the thing of it is quite often these days the reason for feeling that I don’t measure up is usually unsubstantiated.

I have mentioned before that I am working on moving about this world comfortably in my vulnerability and from my heart, not my head.  So when something comes up where perhaps I don’t know quite how to react (again the whole boundary thing) then I tend come off sometimes as aloof, brazen, obnoxious or all three.  And this can in fact insult the person with whom I am interacting though it is not meant to be so on my part.

One thing I will say, I have become much better at recognizing these reactions and I do try to remedy them.  Still, it has a way of isolating oneself and that is not what I wish to do.  An example would be at a job interview where I was rather nervous.  The conversation was going well and he made a comment which struck me as amusing.  Rather than just smile and nod, I had to up the ante and ended up blurting out a rather crass retort as a result of the nervousness.  Perhaps for a nanosecond I thought I was being witty.  Even as the words were slipping from my lips I was trying to pull them back.  It was just that fast.

No sooner had they been spoken and the whole dynamic of the interview changed and I knew in that moment this opportunity was lost to me.  So again, the need to reign myself in and establish certain boundaries and protocol.

I have improved greatly over the years in this regard.  Still, it sometimes slips away from me.

If you are asking why I developed these tactics to begin with, I would think that in my head at a young age I saw it as more of a defensive behaviour.  Any feelings of intimidation or insecurity on my part would be displayed with a rather brash and harsh reaction.  This was to cover the girl who was so easily hurt it seemed by a word or by a look.  I had practiced at being invisible all my life but I so wanted to be seen, wanted to be heard.

Again these are some the issues I am trying to streamline into self.

So I guess that is why I am biting off the challenge that I am.  It goes deeper than just a run as I have stated.  In this time period I will be releasing my book.  I will be expanding and growing.  I will continue to let go of ego.  And I am excited at the paths that continue to materialize before me.   To recognize and rise to my full potential.  Nothing more, nothing less.



In Training – The Series – Day 4

I have decided that over the next 119 days, for which we are on day 4, I am going to focus on some of the issues that arise while I train for the 1/2 Marathon on May 5th, 2013.  I am really wanting to get to and past a few major issues.  Some of these could be quite personal in nature, however, I have found writing has been a form of therapy in and of itself.

To be able to articulate in a rather unabashed manner how I am feeling at any one time without concern of whether I am making any sense at all; that for me allows an honesty and vulnerability that I at times have difficulty showing to the world.  The page is not going judge me.  And as I explore, reconcile and purge these emotional issues , spiritual issues, physical issues I hope to find my truth, my purpose and work toward my full potential. And this I see as giving back in some way that is yet to be revealed.

I have in the last few years accepted my sexual being, I have glimpsed the spiritual side that is the essence of who I am and I have been working on being healthy physically, emotionally and mentally.  Now that I have dusted them off and brought them up to speed, time to pull it together.

As I stated yesterday, sometimes it is incredibly difficult to change thought patterns and behaviours and I am improving in this regard daily.  In part I have to trace back to where the pattern began to understand its place in my life and how it served me at that time.  This has happened on a rather frequent basis over the last few years.  When I first began this process, it was messy.  Over time though just opening the heart centre a little wider each day has brought remarkable results.

So why a 1/2 marathon?  How could that possibly be therapy?  Good question.

When I was young I used to love running. There was a freedom to it.  I was not confined by the fears I knew intimately in my home life.  It was just me doing something I loved.  When I reclaimed this side of self and began to run again I felt as though I was reborn.  The spirit still resided within me and still loved the sensation this movement brought to me.

I had my first drink at about the age of ten.  My parents had parties all the time on weekends and my sisters and I were enlisted to clean up and play host and entertain.  Sipping a partially finished drink that had long been forgotten was easy.  I was, by all accounts, the proverbial wallflower.  I didn’t want to be seen or heard.  This type of attention was often met with violence in my home, so at a young age I accepted that to just be a shadow was perhaps that best role to take.  And I did.  The alcohol loosened me up a bit.  My parent’s friends found me funny and I found it easier to socialize as well.

The first time I really got drunk I was about 11 years old.  My dad sat on the bed telling me to ‘go with the spins’ so that I wouldn’t get sick.  It worked.  I passed out.  I was a bit more careful after that slipping a drink on the side.  I had found my ounce of courage and my scape goat all in one shot.  If I said or did things that were inappropriate but that rang true I could blame the bottle.  I have heard it said the only ones that tell the truth are children and drunks.  Talk about a coupe.  I was child and a drunk.

That was a behaviour pattern that I laid down early and it is one I am breaking out of.  Not quite there, but almost.

I am sure you won’t be surprised to hear that for a time drinking was an issue for me.  But I quit for many years and now I just drink socially.  I am very mindful of what it can do and so part of this training is that I will not be drinking at all over the next four months.  I need to deal with all of these things with a clear head.

There are times though on a Saturday night when I am on my own and those memories come out to haunt me, well let’s just say over the last few years there have been times when I have indulged more than I should have.  And oddly there was an awareness as I was partaking in this as well.  What I realize is that this is simply a behaviour pattern I developed at a young age to help me cope.  As flawed as it was, as potentially dangerous as it was, it was an out.

When I stopped drinking for all those years, I began to eat….a lot.  Same behaviour pattern…different effect.

In all cases though I was a young girl wanting to be seen, wanting to heard and wanting to be loved.  I looked for it, everywhere.  I didn’t know then that it starts with me and how I see myself.  How could I?

This is the behaviour pattern I am working on correcting right now.  And when I am out, as I was last night in torrential rains, running….there is a freedom that beckons with step taken.  I see the person that I am and so I now begin the process of acceptance for all that I have done.  I will embrace the frightened child and let her know she is loved then release her to run with me always.

Enjoy your day everyone.

Happy New Year! Let’s Raise a Glass to Boundaries! Cheers!

I have heard so much about boundaries over the last few years and in honesty it’s not a topic I know a great deal about.  I am learning about them though and how to set them.  Sometimes it takes a gaff or two before I begin to see the wisdom in something and incorporate it into my life.  I tend to be rather spontaneous still, rather reactive.  I have improved from years ago where I was at one time completely combustible and volatile.

Now I have gained a great deal of control but still having issues with where to draw the line.  And I guess this only comes with experience.  Of recognizing when something is perhaps going sideways or catches you off guard and how to respond and not get caught up and carried away in it.

I guess that is the conundrum of trying to live in the moment, to live it as fully and passionately as possible BUT to have boundaries.  Oye!

Who writes this stuff?

I do understand the need particularly in my case.  Having compartmentalized myself for years then bringing the entire sense of self together, and with various portions now being in different stages of maturity, well you may get the idea that the boundary thing can be a bit dubious at times.

I am still feeling a wee bit coltish.  I have this odd humour that sometimes really needs to be reined in when I am with people who don’t know me very well.  And sometimes I find myself in a situation that comes at me from left field and I get blind-sided for a moment.

So it is finding balance in this spectrum of self and projecting my personage in a way that I am comfortable with and that those around me are comfortable with as well.  It is curious though.  I am trying to come off a bit softer and so far I don’t think its going very well.  I have been told I have something of a strong personality?  And in truth I know there are times when I am just so caught up in something that I will exude certain energies.  Time to clean this all up.

I am in training officially now.

I really want to pull it all together over the next four months.  I have worked so hard over the last few years to bring everything out and move through it all.  When I cross the finish line on May 5th I really want it to be with a true sense of self.  That these little fragments of emotional string that still linger will have dissipated and I will be in a place that is sound in every sense.

I hope everyone had a great New Years celebration.  I have a few very big goals.  It is time to bring them to fruition.

My wish for all of you is a beautiful year ahead.


Musings and Committments

If you have read any of my posts you will know I have been focusing a lot on personal development and growth.  I have been wanting to address and let go of past fears and inhibitions and have been doing so.  It has been an interesting journey.  One thing that struck me today is just how pervasive patterns in our life are.  All those negative recordings that have been hardwired over a lifetime in my head and now I am trying to change the message.  Now I am trying to change the content and re-write the code completely.

This has been tricky.  At times I miss an important piece of data and get bounced back to the start of that message to begin yet again.  At least with each attempt it gets a little easier.  (I can’t believe I just said that).

I am sitting here on this Tuesday morning looking out at a cloudy sky of varying shades of grey.  I had a great workout this morning  and will be running with my group tonight.  Physically I am almost at my goal.  Yet I still  sabotage this to some degree.  I fall into the thinking that I have been really good with my diet,  so sure I can go ahead and have a few extra pieces of pizza and a few more beer.  The thinking that I need to change is that this is somehow a ‘reward’ for being so good with my diet.

It isn’t a reward.  Not at all. That is actually just one pattern that I want to re-write.  Hopefully from this description you will get my meaning of changing patterns.

I have this image in my head of how I would like to be.  And really when it all comes down to it, I simply want to exemplify love in all its many forms.  I really want to just release that side of self and not feel the fear of being vulnerable.  I want to have that confidence in my being.

Guess the only thing to do is carry on in that direction.

One thing that has popped up at a few of the workshops I have done as of late is that knowing when you have ‘enough’ and are content to just be.  I was thinking about the meditation last week and what direction I was given.

And yet, I am hesitant at times.  Coltish to a certain degree.  I wonder why I hesitate to dive into this beautiful pool of pure bliss and just drown in it for awhile.  At times I don’t feel I deserve to be here.  Yet I am on this threshold and I can’t help but move forward.

So I will carry on with another of my 12 week optimum health plan as before and try not to deviate quite as much as I did before.  With each repetition hopefully the lesson is learned and heeded.

Have a great day everyone!