A Funny Thing Happened on the Road to Success & Happiness…I Failed, I think?

I haven’t been on here for awhile, I know.

If you’ve followed this blog of mine, you’ll know I began writing it the day after I had a heart procedure.

The plan…practice writing daily and become a better writer!

And I must say, I did succeed in that endeavour.  I wrote my very first book, a memoir, and self-published it three years later.

I went through cancer and three jobs.   I gained a massive amount of weight due to the cancer treatment and just as I began to take control a vehicle accident occurred leaving a back injury that has pretty much shut down much of my physical activities.

And it seemed for a time that the rains of hell had found me. At the end of this,  depression ensued and engulfed me.  Much of what I was writing had a victim / poor me mentality to it…and I loathe this attitude in myself.

Thus I did not share and my posts on this forum began to dwindle.  Why should I post that which I despise about myself?

I have notebooks full of my pain.  Pages are lovely things, are they not?  They do not a question and you can express anything you want.  It is your choice to share, and I just could not.

I have people tell me how remarkable I am, what a lovely person I am. And you know, it is strange to hear this and impossible at times to believe this as I look in the mirror decidedly disgusted with who I am at the moment.

Yet it is the love of my friends and family that has allowed me to develop this patchwork heart of mine.  They can’t be wrong I insist to myself.  I must live up to whatever it is that they see that I don’t.

I get that the last five years or so have been tough. And I could well wax poetic on the injustice of it all.

I won’t.

Physical pain has become a daily thing that I manage. And yet I still get to enjoy the sunrise and the turning of the seasons.  I still have this wild imagination that is begging me to write the stories working through the passages of my mind.

I am blessed with the people that I call friends.  And it for them and my family who encourage and insist that somehow I matter that I push on, that I will work to honour not only myself but all those who’ve given me their love to hold always and forever in my heart that I must respect and nurture.

This is what I need to get me through the day.  All the mistakes and bad choices I’ve made recede.   I’ll get through this.

And yes, at times I feel like I’ve failed yet again.  But then I’m not even certain what it is I’m seeking other than some peace of my being.

To just say, I’m happy with who I am. I am complete.  How good would that be?!

I’ve come close at times, or at least I thought I did.   I work at being my authentic self, which I must say continues to reveal parts of me like that of an onion being revealed one thin layer at a time.

Still, gotta be honest to myself first and foremost.  At times it is hard as I take in the world today.  I remind myself that all I can do is walk through this world with the thoughts and ideas that may benefit who we are as a people and hope the love and appreciation I feel will spread.

I’m back.  Coming out of the dark recesses of depression.  Accepting once again that yes, I am a smart and genuine woman.  Accepting that I am a loving and giving individual.

Yup.  Well Namaste my friends.

Thanks for checking in, for following my ramblings. There will be more to come.  Have no doubt. And always I look forward to hearing from you.

Cheers!

 

 

Life in the Fishbowl

 

I rise just before 6:00 AM. I’ve been sleeping just a tad longer these days.  Leaving the welcome warmth of my bed can be difficult at times.  This has been a cold winter and I always turn the heat down in the evenings before going to bed as I cannot sleep well when it’s too stuffy.  Having the air be a bit on the cool side is okay when I’m tucked beneath my down-filled comforter.

Pillows tucked around me,  just so, with just my wee head popped out the top.  When the alarm sounds to rouse me from my slumber feeling the cool of the morning air inspires me to press the snooze button a few times.

And sleep has been odd these days.  Constant waking throughout the night.

My dreams have been fervent and harried.  I wake feeling as though I am coming a great distance to join the waking world.  Even as my eyes begin to open, I am often still very much in the dream state.

Caught between two dimensions, if not more.

I shake the sleep from me by way of a morning shower.  In and out, slap moisturizer on, apply a bit of make-up, brush my teeth, drink a glass of water.  Dry my hair, dress and put my lunch together then dash out the door.

When did it become necessary for me to arrive at work so early?  Usually by 7:30 AM I’m sipping my coffee, going through emails and organizing my work day.

I put this on myself.  And yet, I love the early morning.  When the weather is great I witness sunrises that are breathtaking.  If not, I enjoy the sound of the rain.  The torrential down pours, I must admit, are a bit much sometimes.

As I cross the Queensborough Bridge I listen to the news of the day.  These days a man named Trump seems to dominate the air waves.

And I pause to wonder why it is as humans we can’t seem to find that balance in terms of getting along.

Why is it so difficult?  Is it just our nature to behave the way we do?

Trump is trying to save Americans from what, I cannot say.  He’s sees a threat I suppose and feels it necessary to build walls and keep people out.

I feel deeply saddened by this.  Living in fear is a bad place to be.  I’ve been there. This is what I see when Trump is insistent on building a wall along the U.S. / Mexico border and when he bans people from seven countries housing those who follow the muslim faith from entering the country.

I see fear.

Trump thinks he’s being tough, and sadly tough is not what any of us needs.

In fact, we need compassion, love, understanding and acceptance.

When a country the size of the U.S. elects a President to isolate them to the degree he has already implemented in just under two weeks, we really need to look at ourselves collectively and how it is we all got here.

And sadly the United States is deeply divided as well.

A travel ban has been put in place and a 5 year old boy was detained for several hours and taken in hand cuffs at the Dallas Airport.

Why?

Here in Canada, a disillusioned young man went into a mosque and shot down six people of Muslim faith as they prayed.

Why?

I believe, must believe that we all basically good at heart.  There is a a percentage of human population that is not good, misguided and evil. This is displayed in so many ways.  And oddly enough history has a way of repeating itself.

Still we have in the last 25 years gone through an extraordinary changes.  When industrialization took hold back in the mid-1800 and early 1900’s the response was not good.  Two world wars and then seemingly this world embraced the industrial age with fevered acceptance.

We humans, by our very nature, like routine. And yet in the last 60 years this world has changed so dramatically.

The industrial age quickly gave way to the computer age.  In my lifetime, and I am only pushing 59 years of age, I’ve witnessed the introduction of colour TV to having a device that I can hold in my hands that will connect me world wide.  Technology has moved into our lives at a rabid pace.

We haven’t exactly embraced it.

Socially we turn to our computers, our smart phones and connect in a totally different manner.

We date…online.

We rant…online.

We do everything…online.

Show our intimate bits, and say things typically we would not.

Yet there is this world out there and the space that surrounds us.  A triangle formed by the new Moon, Mars and Venus held me in absolute rapture as it did so many others.

Snow that had piled up over several weeks leaving local lakes frozen over drew crowds that pulled on their ice skates to enjoy skating under a full moon.

And there is a magic to it.  There really is.  When we feel connected to the world we inhabit, it is a grand thing.

When we work collectively as the human race…oh…it is such a beautiful thing.  And it is usually in reaction to a massive evil that brings us together.   These days we find ourselves once again caught up in what appears  a terrible thing.

Let me leave you with this.

There is a small boutique hotel in downtown Vancouver that has been around for a very along time.  I won’t go into the why of it  now, however, across the parapet there is signage that reads:

UNLIMITED GROWTH INCREASES THE DIVIDE

On the Community College that sit across from it a sign went up recently that reads:

LET’S HEAL THE DIVIDE

We have more similarities than we do differences. Let’s focus on our commonalities and see where that takes us.  Let’s heal the divide.

To those who’ve lost loved ones due to violence inspired by fear and ignorance, I feel your hurt, pain and confusion.

Find forgiveness as this will save you.  Continue to love as this will elevate you.

If I could I’d wrap this world in love, I would.

So why don’t we give it a go.

Namaste.

 

 

 

 

A Truth

Sunset in Steveston

I sit before this screen thinking about the things I’d like to talk about.  The rush of ideas come fast and furious.  I could surely wax poetic on any number of things; I could rant on any number of issues as well.  There are injustices a plenty that I could champion.

The screen remains empty.

I make my breakfast and pour another cup of coffee.  I gaze out the window at a frozen world.  It’s beautiful.

The view from my home on Dec 26, 2016

I’m wrapping up a challenging year that was preceded by a few tough years.  I was asked a question at dinner with friends last night ‘What did you take from those experiences, what did you learn?’

Now this was in reference to my bout with cancer and the treatment provided.  It could well apply to the vehicle accident that followed as well.

I responded that we need to ask questions and be kind to ourselves.  And indeed we do. The question remains though.  ‘What did I learn from this?’

And the screen, while I’ve jotted down these thoughts, no answer is readily coming.

Vancouver from the Ferry in September 2016

I entered 2016 in the metaphorical darkness of depression.  I had felt the all too familiar slide begin.  In truth, I’d been fighting this for quite some time.  2015 had begun with promise.

I was working out with a trainer and running with my group again wanting to take back my health after the cancer thing .  The vehicle accident kibosh-ed my progress.  The pipes in my building flat lined and the building had to be re-piped. For 3 months no hot water. I was attending physiotherapy and the bills began to mount.

My job was stressful yet I kept at it.  Despite the pain, despite the overwhelming cost to fix our building I was beginning to slip.  I’ve never experienced a back injury before and physically my condition was not improving.  I would try to do things, but just walking was an agonizing thing at times.

A moon to remember

I was living with pain daily.  I wasn’t sleeping.  And I was still recovering from the effects of chemo and radiation.

‘What did I learn from all of this?’

Still an empty screen to this question.

Fear crept in.  Was I going to lose everything I’d worked so hard for?  In many ways I felt completely impotent regarding the direction my life was going.

Did I talk about any of this with anybody?  No.

In my mind, to give it voice would give these feelings validity.  I was in denial.  My financial safety net was gone to the renovations in my building.

I then lost my job.

The quicksand I call depression was pulling me, enveloping me…my strength was gone.

Sunset December 2016 in Steveston

All of the avenues I’d been exploring…meditation, energy healing, etc. were no longer viable options for me. My head and heart weren’t there.  I was in that all too familiar dark place.

In 2016 I sold my place and recovered some of my costs, though I still have debt, it is now manageable.

I found a condo that is now more of a home than my previous place.  I found another job which I really like.

And a few months back I emerged from the mantle of depression.

What have I learned from all this?

Perhaps this is an ongoing lesson.  Perhaps the answer has many layers to it.

One thing though, despite the darkness I appreciated and admired every morning that I’ve been graced with.

I still stop and stand in awe of a luminous moon rise and always let those who I’ve been so blessed to have in my life know it.

And I will never give up on myself.  I will never give in to the pain of the past.

There is a balance between the dark and the light that must be found and met.

I will focus on wellness in 2017.  I will ask for the help that I do in fact need and look to heal and strength my person.

Happy New Year to everyone.

Peace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In A Nutshell….

 

May the 9th as evolved as rather significant date in my life reaping various challenges upon me.

I’d been successful in selling my condo and was now on the hunt for new digs.

The last few years have been tough in many ways physically, emotionally and its been hard financially as well.

Seven years ago on May 9, 2010 I ran the Sun Run which is a 10 km race in Vancouver. Crossing the finish line had a profound effect on me.  I had also just purchased my first home!

My focus became my health and well being.  I decided it was time to tackle all the issues that had plagued me for a lifetime.  I got back into running in a big way and decided it was time to dive into my passions and bring them to the forefront.  I pursued writing and photography with a rabid hunger.

For the first time in my life I was really letting myself search my potential and even more so I was building upon it.

A book was in the works, I had joined writing groups, I’d taken a photography class and had found some shutterbugs to roam the streets with.  And I was working on some emotionally deep issues as well.

Emotionally I was sideways for a time.  Dealing with repressed issues was a strange balance between how I was and how I am now and putting them together to become the person I wanted to be.

People came into my life offering direction and guidance.  And I was actually asking for help, in a round about way.

The introvert was becoming an extrovert.  Still I was pretty rough around the edges.  The emotional aspects were hard to express as I was living through it and not certain about any of it.

As the emotional storm began to settle health issues began to arise.  The first was the heart issue.  I had a stent put in and carried on. I was encouraged to keep running, to keep hitting the gym which I did.  After being on blood thinners for a year and getting the all clear on my health  I decided to treat myself to the BMO 1/2 Marathon.

Halfway through training I began to falter, however, I ran the 1/2 Marathon on May 5, 2013.

Four days later on May 9, 2013 I discovered I had uterine cancer.  So came surgery and treatment.  I worked through all of it, however, my performance at work was impacted as chemo can do a number on you.  Six months after treatment was complete I was terminated and given 5 weeks notice after 5 1/2 years on the job.

A personality conflict with one of the partners was sited.  The partner in question was a rude, cold individual who commented continually on my shortcomings during cancer treatment. In layman’s terms .  An asshole.

I found another job within 3 weeks.  Better pay and full benefits!

Some things, however, are not as they seem.  While I initially thought this was the job I’d been looking for, it became anything but that.

Working with an antiquated computer system, and this was new industry for me, I walked into the worst mess I’ve seen.  There had been no accountant in the position for 4 months prior.  This had not been disclosed.

The promise of a new computer system that would be implemented within three months of my start date never happened and has still not occurred.

I’m either a fool or a trooper, perhaps a bit of both, but I dove into it, despite the fact that chemo still had me a little foggy.  Perhaps that’s why I jumped in the way I did.

I worked hard.  Really hard.  Too hard.  Rebuilding a company that was in serious relapse with its clients and vendors, restoring the relations necessary to do business in a manner that is balanced and productive.  I worked along side two women who were exceptional and assisted in my efforts in every way.

In the New Year I headed to Vegas to visit a friend.  A vehicle accident occurred.  My car was totaled.

I thought I’d be fine.  I wasn’t.  As the months passed my neck and back were like a vise.

If my ability to remain focused had been a little challenged before now it was painfully so.  Still I toughed it out.  Didn’t take any time off as felt I could not.  With dogged determination I muscled through.  Working with a DOS based program requires you to think about applications differently as well.

Yet I did.

I was so close to having the whole thing brought up to date, so close to having all the checks and balances back in place, so close to completing what had at first seemed impossible when I was unceremoniously released from my employment contract.

This I didn’t see coming.

The other major issue for 2015 was the re-piping of my condo building.  Twelve of the forty-seven units lost their hot water for three months.  Mine was one of the units.  The cost escalated to a ridiculous rate.  I cleaned out my RSP and savings to pay for it.

2015 was a year where I felt that I was running up hill the entire year but not really moving.

In 2014 I’d started my own publishing company in early 2015 I’d released my book, however, with the chaos occurring in my life from the accident and the building repairs I thought it might be best to focus on marketing it later.

I’m nothing if not resourceful.  Unable to run or hit the gym…and spending far too much time at physio I thought it may be prudent to build on my public speaking skills.

In effect I had none.  So I joined my local Toastmasters to work on that aspect of self.  2015 was a tough year.  Depression reared its ugly head and as the year closed out I found myself unemployed and feeling desperate.

I had worked so hard and now it felt like everything was starting to slip away.  I had made some poor decisions.  Shopping sprees that were ongoing for a time.  Purchases of $300 in perfume that kind of thing.  This is simply a reaction, an echo.  It is not who I am.

Still, I found a job.  And I like this one.  I really like it.  The fit is good.

I assessed my situation.  The building was completed, I had my place painted and put it on the market.

And as stated I was successful with the sale and on May 9th, 2016 I found a new place!

A little rough around the edges, like me.  I would make the space a beautiful one.  I would make it a home.

In January I had renewed my mortgage and discussed the plan to sell with my mortgage specialist, who is fabulous.  He set the mortgage up to be  portable.  All was good.

So when the call came that Canadian Housing Mortgage Corp. had pulled out, that I could not get financing…I spent last Wednesday evening in a very dark place.

What had I done wrong here?   Was I going to lose everything again?

I had never missed a payment.  Never defaulted on anything.  Still I no longer had the safety net of my RSP and my savings had been depleted.

The point of all of this was to regain control of a situation that could well get out of control.

The following day I was resigned to the fact that it would be back to renting. My boss asked how I was doing with everything and I told him it looked liked I would be renting once more.  His response would goad me back into action.  “So…you’re just going to give up?”

Calls were made, bank managers were contacted.  My mortgage guy went back to it and put it on the table.  My realtor got an extension on the subjects being removed.  Again it came as ‘No’ on Friday morning.

Well, that’s it then.  I felt defeated, deflated, abandoned.

I wanted an explanation.  Not the debt ratio where I was three percent out of what CMHC considered acceptable.  I was not going to go out quietly.

Someone was deciding my fate without knowing how hard I’d worked to get here.  Someone was looking at numbers, nothing more.  Someone who didn’t know the hardships I’ve overcome to get to this point.

I picked up the phone.  Then they at least had to know who they were saying ‘No’ to I decided.

The first fellow tried in vain to curtail my attempts to take this further.

Not once did I swear or raise my voice, though at times the emotions caused me to have a higher pitch. I insisted that I need to speak to a manager and was put on hold, a few times.

Finally he put me through to Joanne who had been dealing with my file from the get go.  She did not want to talk to me.

I was not about to drag it out, I just wanted her to know what a tough year I’d had and that I was doing the right thing by taking the actions I had.  She spouted privacy laws, she could only speak with the lender, not the person whose life her decision was affecting.

The debt ratio came up.  She had laws to abide by.  Had I broken a law here?  No.  Why was her organization pulling the plug when they had renewed my mortgage for 5 years just a few short months ago?  The debt had been there then as well.  It had been made portable for the very reason we were here today.

And damn!  I’m so proud of how I relayed my message on Friday.  With calm determination I wanted her to know that I was not a number.  I’d made mistakes, yes.  I’d had a tough year, but I’d paid for everything.  I was taking care of everything in a responsible way.  Why was I being cut short here?  You are telling me that a three percentage point is going to alter my life?

Joanne would tell me nothing due to ‘privacy’ laws.  I requested then that she contact my lender and provide an answer to my inquiries.  I didn’t want to hear about debt ratio.

With the money laundering that is currently going in the real estate market…well, I won’t go there.

I think Kenny cringed a bit when he received the message from Joanne.  She wasn’t happy.  Still this had been an action I’d taken on my own.  Kenny called me.  He was going to try one more thing.

Collectively we held our breathes.

I was so very grateful to my boss and his father for encouraging me not to give up.  I was so thankful that I had the  mortgage and realtor guys that I do in my corner.

At 7:30 pm I got the call.

I was approved.

I’ve learned a great deal through this experience.  I made many assumptions prior to beginning this exercise of buying and selling.  This time I got my happy ending.

Now begins a new chapter. This time out I am whole, complete.  This time I will reach for the stars and I’ll get there.

Just watch me.

Namaste.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

F*!*k the Economy!

What is it about this God we call the economy that drives us to worship and follow it blindly.

Big business is tearing across this planet sucking every viable resource it can take to process and sell it to us in any number of ways.

The economy dictates that this be doen.

I can’t help but wonder what happened.  In my lifetime I’ve watched the economy take hold and alter how we live completely.  The industrial, then the technological revolution have had us running on the hamster wheel at breakneck speeds far too long.

Somethings gotta give.

What happened to our values?

I was born and raised in Vancouver.  I now live in New Westminster which is about a 15 minute drive from the city.  I can’t afford to live there any longer and  I certainly couldn’t purchase a home in Vancouver proper.  90% of the houses in Vancouver are currently well over a million dollars.

Condos are crazy expensive as well.

I have lived and worked in pretty much every corner of the lower mainland (aka Greater Vancouver Regional District) at some point in my life.  This beast called development has devoured Vancouver proper and is now beginning to spread its tentacles on the march  to the suburbs.

Towers, towers, and more condo towers are going on up!  Ten are slated in downtown New Westminster currently.  Five have begun construction.

And in truth much of the white hot market is being driven from off-shore buyers, namely Asian consumers.  Governments on every level state insist they have no way of determining how much of the market is being driven by off-shore purchasing here in British Columbia.

That, quite frankly, is bullshit. In a world with technology such as it is can surely determine  who is buying the properties here in Vancouver and where they live.

The trickle down effect has been devastating.  Seniors cannot afford to live in their homes.  Energy costs have skyrocketed.  People are making the choice between paying their utility bills or feeding themselves.

Rents are extreme and the rental market has deteriorated.

Daycare costs are insane.

The Employment Standards Act has been decimated.  A part-time worker here in BC has virtually no rights on the job.

Everything that generations before worked for, fought for is being dismissed rather handily by government officials of the day.  Gotta feed the economy.  Gotta create jobs.  Gotta inspire people to spend, spend, spend!

We need to change how we do business.  We need to change the concept of profit.

We need to consider what our individual footprint is on this world of ours.

I go to work in the morning and pass house that are 4,000 sq. ft and bigger.   I wonder who lives in these homes?  I never ever see lights on.  On occasion I’ve seen vehicles and a person or two. Do they work there or live there?

What happened to us?

 

Rabbit Holes…

Have you ever felt that you’re getting back on track with everything in your life when another rabbit hole appears in the road and swallows you?

It happens.

I enjoyed the holidays.  I kept it very low key this year.  Quiet and reflective celebrations were the order of the day.  I did have a few days, however, where I just felt sad.  I just let myself feel it regardless of where those emotions were emerging from.  They could well just be echoes from the past moving through me.

Time to get back to the grind and get back to life and living.

Pain still exists from the car accident that occurred close to a year ago.  I need to take my health back .  All of it.

I have concerns and more than anything these days I feel tired.  And I’m not going to hide behind the mantle of my age as the notion of this is poppycock!

Age has nothing to do with how I feel.

I’m mulling the previous year’s trials and tribulations over in my head. Oh, there are definitely a few things that I would have responded to differently but as with everything in this life it’s about moving forward not back.

There are times when how I feel scares me.  I’ll have moments of anger, moments of hurt, moments of painful conflict.  There are certain things I don’t like to feel.  I do understand why as well.

When I was younger I had no handle on my emotional self.  Indeed, I was something of a loose canon that seemed to self-combust on far too regular basis.  It’s those extremes that haunt me and perhaps create the knee-jerk reaction I sometimes experience at an overwhelming emotion.  Hence, I try to distance myself and push it away.

I am trying now to get back to optimum health.  This is something that, in all honesty, I’ve never truly experienced.  Optimum health to me is experiencing wellness on every level of being physically, mentally, emotionally, intellectually, sexually and spiritually connected.

Balance.  Being present, aware…

I’ll feel a bit of fear creeping in and try harder still.

Ultimately that freakin’ rabbit hole appears and I find my balance in jeopardy and rather precarious.

Still I keep taking more on and the expectations I hold myself to are perhaps a little bit too much at times.  I stare across the landscape of my being and see a tapestry of repairs and quick fixes as ideas and thoughts assail me from every angle.

“Don’t eat white food.”

“Don’t eat carbs after 12 noon.”

“Walk 10,000 steps daily!”

“Just move!”

“Live in the moment…now!”

“Don’t panic!”

“That person I saw in the blue car had an interesting face.”

“Put everything out to the universe…surrender.”

“Just breathe!”

“Good energy…good energy…good energy…”

“Positive energy will come back in abundance.”

“Just love…love dammit…Just Love!”

“Will this be returned?”

“Don’t think like this! Be positive!”

“Why do I feel like crying?”

“I should be happy, shouldn’t I?”

All of these things ran through my head in quick successeion as I took my Christmas Tree down, boxed up everything and cleaned.

Odd what moves through my mind at any given moment.

I wanted to get the house ship shape so to speak and stopped when the pain in my back was unbearable.

Still I did manage to get quite a bit done.  I pushed forward focusing on some other things that required my attention.

It was back to work and the week has been a productive one.

And I sitting here feeling disenchanted, heavy, obtuse, irrelevant and foolish?

Why?

Placing my fingers against my temples I gently rub my forehead.  “Please, just go away.  I don’t want to feel these things.”

I just want to live and do so fully.

I checked out Banyen Books events page.  They have some interesting spiritual talks coming up.  Perhaps I need to start there.

Often we think that if we start with physical self the rest will follow.  Perhaps I’ll start with repairing my spiritual centre and work on the physical aspect at the same time.

Onward.  Namaste.  Peace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Christmas Wish…

 

I rose early.

I’ve not done this too much over the last month since I’ve been unemployed, however, I wanted to attend the Pan Pacific’s 28th Annual Christmas Wish Breakfast.

So with a book of poetry (local) and a movie gift card in hand, I stepped out into the dark of morning at 6:20 AM.

A fat full moon hung in luminous beauty on a velvety black sky as rows of white and red headlights blinked in unison in the pre-dawn along the highway.

I wanted to wish the gang at Rock 101 all the best as well.  I really appreciate listening to them each morning.  They elevate me.  They are so warm and open.

And wow!  It has been a while since I’ve watched the sunrise from downtown Vancouver!  I watched as the Lions now sprinkled with snow turned a beautiful shade of pink just prior to the sun flooding the sky.

The line-up at the Pan Pacific was long and that’s cool.  All of us in attendance were there to give back to those less fortunate.  May everyone have a blessed time over the holidays.

I will be making my pilgrimage to BC Childrens’ Hospital again this year.  Notification will go up today.

And it was such a pleasure to meet Willy and Kim.  They’ve been a part of my mornings for a very long time along with Alyece who I met earlier this year.

It’s been a tough one.

Now I’m turning my focus toward all the good in my life.  all the little things that make my life a little happier, a little more bearable in times such as these, a little more joyful.

And yes, the gang at Rock 101 does contribute to this factor along with my friends, and bearing witness to beautiful sunrise.  It also helps to know that life will always have its ups and downs.  Your character can well be measured by how you manage the pitfalls in your life.

For me, I keep this heart of mine full to bursting with all the love that it has been afforded.  Indeed, I’m truly blessed.

I’ve a daughter who in many ways saved this soul of mine.  I turned from a path of certain self-destruction to one of redemption and accountability.

And my god, the power of forgiveness!

To let go of the grievances that have plagued me, to rise above the hurt and pain, and release the the fear.

Priceless.

To grow and expand and realize int really isn’t about me at all.

It is about my connection to everyone and everything that I share this planet with.

Its about respect, about love, peace and the human experience.

At Toastmasters I’ve been informed that my speeches touch them on a very deep level.

I am humbled.  This moves me in ways you cannot imagine.

I have fought through the challenges of presenting my person and move toward wanting to make a positive impact and truly make a difference in some form.

I’ll keep trying.  Rick Hansen asked this of all us back in 2012 that were invited to run with him.  I take this request to heart.

I just finished a delightful salad at The Reach and I’m feeling incredibly emotional.  It’s a good thing though.   A release of sorts.

Sometimes reminding myself that I’m part of this collective we call humanity is overwhelming.

I want to embrace and discard all the pain and suffering in this world as unreasonable as that sounds.  I want to ensure that everything will be okay.

The fact that I’m here, alive and pushing toward life, demanding that its essence fill me…

Knowing that I am loved.

Is this not the greatest gift?

So I’ll keep on, keepin’ on.

Expansion will come the more I immerse myself with this world that surrounds me.  In manner that is positive with no expectations.

I can only offer…does not mean what I give will be accepted.

And never is there any remorse or ill will that what I offer has been rejected.

Know it will always be there.  What has been offered will never be removed.

That is the truth of where our humanity lays.

Talking to Myself

 

This year has blown by like an unforgiving force of mythological proportions.  In many ways the perfect storm.

I look in the mirror and indeed the reflection that stares back at me shows the appearance of someone having weathered some rather extreme cold fronts.

But look a little closer.  The eyes are still on fire, the head has a million ideas running through it and this heart still wants to love, needs to love…

I was at my last session with the kinesiolgist earlier this evening.  Jae pushed me hard.

And yet, in my head, I still can’t accept that this is all I can do.

I’m remembering such a short time ago when the exercises I did this evening wouldn’t have even broken a sweat.  I’ve got some work to do.

And I told Jae that I may never get back to the level I was at before…but at least I’m alive and I can move.  Sure, it still hurts but hell, I’ve got to keep trying.

And on the same note I can’t accept what’s happening to me.

I will be competing in a speaking contest of all things.  Telling a Tall Tale.  Never saw myself doing this.  And yet, I’ve challenged myself to speak as well as I write.  To become a storyteller in every sense of the word.  To have fun, to share some expressions, to leave people I’ve shared my ideas with reason to pause and reflect.

My home is still under construction as am I.  Works in progress both of us.  Life being coy and whimsical.  At times I feel so inadequate and foolish.

I’ve worked so hard to move from such notions.  Perhaps its best to just embrace those moments when I don’t feel I fit into my life very well at all.  Reality can at times be a bitch when the dream seems so close to fruition.

Pulled back, teasingly.  ‘Work harder.’

Decisions are made.  Desperate, wanting…

Decisions are reached.  Calmly, with forethought…

And I slip into bed with a sore arm, a back tied in knots and legs cramping.  Stories are rushing through me and chase me into slumber.

And I’m working, working, working…

Trying to organize my time, trying to organize my life, trying to just live, just be.

At the gym Jae instructed me to do crunches but to have ‘fun’ with them.

“Make a gun with your hands.” he instructed showing me and placing his hands over his head.

“Now come up, pause and shoot between your legs.”

This is weird I decided.

“Think of someone you’d like to shoot, that you don’t like.” he encouraged. ” like…your husband?”

“No…”I didn’t mention I wasn’t married.  Mute point.

“I don’t like guns, Jae. And there really is no one I want to shoot…hypothetically.”

I spoiled the fun, I guess.

Still I’m in this odd space these days and like everything…I’ll learn and grow.

Peace.

 

 

The Breaking Point

I’m breathing.  Just breathing.  Remembering that life force that is so necessary to all of us.

This week has been a tough one, just as the preceding weeks and months have been this year.

I lost sight of certain communications at the workplace or so it would seem.  I really hadn’t thought this was the case.

Yes, I’ve had some ongoing issues with attention and focus at times.  Still I’ve muscled through.

And all in all, in my mind, I’ve done a great job.

I’ve had health concerns that have weighed heavy along with a host of other matters that have made life just a little bit more challenging from day to day.

I still have some of the lingering effects from chemo.  My cognitive functions are not completely back to where they were and only time will tell if they will be fully restored.

The accident back in January of this year introduced pain and how to manage it on a daily basis.

In my mind, I could not afford to take any time off.  Perhaps this s a fatal flaw of mine.  I always put my responsibilities first.   As per usual, I’ve toughed it out.

The loss of hot water in my home for three months added yet another strain.  The emotional component has been taxing.

Then an email from our property management company regarding a ‘Special Assessment’ meeting reduced me to tears this past Friday.

The figure being tossed out, which has no explanation or back up, as to why it is so excessive for the ‘re-pipng and restoration of our building’ was shocking.

$465,000.00

My portion to be paid in three increments.  August 1, 2015 – September 1, 2015 & October 1, 2015.

Each increment:  $4226.00

For a total of $12,678.00 to be paid by October 1, 2015.

What – The – Fuck!!!!!

I pulled out the depreciation report that was done a couple of years ago.

I don’t have $13,000 tucked under the mattress.  Sorry.

The re-piping has been done.  They quoted a cost of $135,000.00.  We then received a notice that a company would be coming in to bid on the restoration part of it.

Then out of nowhere a meeting set for July 15, 2015 for this insane special assessment.

There’ve been one too many blows as of late.

The past few days I’ve been tearing up…a lot!

Saturday morning I finished my 20th physio session and I’ve begun active rehab.

I just want to get well.

I just got an appointment notice from my cardiologist.  Another 2 day nuclear test has been set up.

I just want to be healthy.

Thinking I was going to have a salary review resulted in being informed that my job performance was lacking.  How can this be?

I just want to cry.

I’m not one to complain.  I make every effort to understand and move forward.

I just want to be appreciated.

Physio John suggests another 12 sessions.  I’ve made progress but my back is still mucked up.  I concur.

I close my eyes, feeling weary.  Just breathe.

Parts of me are now missing and other parts are not quite working right. Other parts may never work completely as they once did.

But I’m alive.

I know there’s no guarantees and that I only have this moment.

Please, see my value and see my worth.  That is all I ask.

Just breathe.

 

I Do Know This….

Cherry Blossoms over by Queen’s Park 

Over the past couple of days I’ve been very much in my head playing with plots and sub-plots for several of the projects that I have on the go.

They are in various stages of development.  Lately, however, I’ve found myself consumed by the aspect and the very idea regarding time.

A blog post that I’ve been working on recently and that I hope to post over the next couple of days speaks to the whole concept of time and where it may have had its beginnings and our interpretation of it.

I must say that this topic has intrigued me on a very deep level.

Last week I was flipping channels on the TV.  I came upon a documentary of a woman whose work involves trying to decode early forms of written communications.

The evidence is strewn throughout caves worldwide.  The similarities that exist cannot be coincidental.

What their meaning is, now that’s the puzzle currently being explored and may well be the mystery that is never solved.

A few conversations have been sparked this week regarding what part of history we’d like to visit, spy on or observe.  I found myself asking why my conversational combatants (i.e. friends) would like to experience those particular moments in time.

I love getting into conversations with this depth as it ignites something in me.

For me personally, I would go back to the moment that humankind had its ‘Ah Ha!” moment.

Something happened some 40,000 years ago and that is where I’d like to be a fly on the wall or in a cave.

A friend laughed and commented that they didn’t like the idea because it would be too difficult to live in the days of the caveman.  Too much work and being dragged about held little appeal.

I smiled insisting they just may like it, then stated that I didn’t want to stay permanently…I just wanted to take a peek at what caused humans to begin to develop the art forms and rudimentary written symbols all within the same time frame on a global front.

Last weekend I found myself researching the whole notion of time.  Time vs. religion, time vs. creation, and for that matter, how time has been measured.  Right or wrong.

One article written by a member of the clergy discussed the time frame around God’s creation of Heaven and Earth and when we made an appearance.

Interestingly enough his take on it was that God didn’t whip the world up with all the animals and people on it in just six days then took a break on the seventh.  His reasoning was that the span of time it took had been misinterpreted.

He felt biblical time was likely more in keeping with 40,000 years.

This intrigued me.

Now I’m not a religious person.  In fact, I find many religions to be very confining.  Being taught an ideology that does not invite exploration and free thought and where the truths being delivered are expected to be accepted based on blind faith alone is a little frightening actually.

I do know this.  There is an energy that permeates this universe and it is a beautiful thing to tap into this awareness, this consciousness that exists.

My issue is not with the message but rather with the messenger.

Now do you think it possible that maybe, just maybe something has been lost or perhaps omitted in translation?

Humans are by nature and design a rather impressionable lot, are we not?

We can be deviant and downright treacherous.  We are curious beings that are equally gullible and malleable.

Then there is this issue of power.  There are those who hunger for it even when they aren’t sure of what it is exactly.

Don’t you think it entirely possible that an omnipresent entity offered, imposed or bestowed a wisdom upon us and those blessed with this knowledge might well have deviated from sharing all of this to satisfy and/or further their own station in life?

Why is it collectively we cannot come together to, oh let’s say, end world hunger?  I’ve heard it said that there is enough food to feed the masses and that is all of us ten times over on a daily basis.

Why are we not assisting each other when it comes to illness?  Think of the recent Ebola outbreak.  Man, the minute it landed in North America…by God, they found a cure.

What about AIDS?

Why are we still fighting for girls to gain an education?

Why are we still fighting for sexual rights and freedoms?

Why do we still judge and condemn?

Every Christmas, while we all have the warm fuzzies, we wish for world peace.

This notion sells a lot of greeting cards, doesn’t it?

These are just a few things that in my mind I’m often amazed still exist on such a large scale.

Still, we wish for it.  Why?

We’ve known its opposite for far too long.

You cannot know or appreciate peace without having suffered the loss and sorrow caused by the upheaval of war.

Much the same with happiness.  If you’ve known the sadness, and most of us have, then we appreciate those moments of bliss all the more.

And we are so good at killing, are we not?

Images of men wearing black balaclavas’ with guns and machetes don’t strike me as a Godly men.

Oddly or perhaps not, the majority of ‘Gods’ at the helm of our religions worldwide dictate that certain behaviours and actions are unacceptable.

Killing happens to be one of them.  So, I will suggest that perhaps we’re not getting this whole commandment thing right.

 

And as I processed and developed my various characters and plot lines for those books that will soon be enjoyed by the masses, I thought of death and its finality.  At least on this plain and our fear of it. I created a new line of friction and the sorrow and pain my heroine will experience leading her to experience a great deal of anxiety regarding the choices she’ll have to make.

And on that note…

I was here

Welcome to the human race.

Enjoy your day.  Namaste.